"anything you can do, i can do better"

Jan 27, 2012

2012-01-27T09:03:00.000-08:00

I failed. My one resolution for this year was to make daily posts, and I didn't do it. I guess I haven't had much on my mind lately, that I felt were worthy of an intensive self-reflection, or I'm just too tired/lazy to spend the time to do it. Either case, major #fail!

In other news, Vancouver BC - I'll be seeing you real soon.

My first and last trip to Vancouver was before I started working at my current employer, in Spring 2009. I traveled solo. One full week. This time, I'm coming back, bringing my most treasured THINGS - my boyfriend, my best gal pals and travel buddies, and an old time friend from college. It'll be a heck of a good time, and I don't even need to be on it to know it. I'm so excited.

places traveled - ny/chi'cahgo - day by day recount

2012-01-20T08:44:00.000-08:00

For recollections sake, a day by day recount of eateries, places visited, etc etc as deemed worthy of mention:

Oct 20
SMF-MDW-LGA
O'Brien Irish Pub (@134 W. 46th Street)

Oct 21
Grand Central Station
Lululemon (@1127 3rd Avenue)
Kun Jip (@9 W. 32nd St)
Madison Square Eats (@1 Madison Avenue)
Lululemon (@15 Union Square West)
Lansdowne Road (@599 10th Avenue)

Oct 22
Cafe Metro (@466 Lexington Ave)
The Washington Arch (@1 5th Avenue)
Lululemon Athletica SoHo (@481 Broadway)
Dragon Land Bakery (@125 Walker Street)
Brooklyn Bridge

Oct 23
Ground Zero (@Church St)
Occupy Wall Street (@Liberty Plaza)
O'Hara's Restaurant & Pub (@120 Cedar Steet)
Central Park
Apple Store Fifth Avenue (@767 5th Avenue)
The Plaza Hotel (@5th Avenue, Central Park South)
MARY POPPINS at the New Amsterdam Theatre

Oct 24
LGA-MDW
Couscous Restaurant (@1445 W. Taylor St Ste 1)
Dunkin Donuts (@300 E. Randolph St)
Millennium Park (@201 E. Randolph)
Lou Malnati's Pizzeria (@805 S. State St)

Oct 25
Espression by Lavazza (@131 N. Clinton Street)
Argo Tea @ Tribune Tower (@435 N. Michigan Ave)
Sears Tower Skydeck (@233 S. Wacker)
#occupychicago (@Lasalle and Jackson)
Al's Beef (@169 W. Ontario St)
Bennigan's Chicago (@150 S. Michigan Ave)
Pioneer Court Plaza Marilyn Monroe Statue Michigan Ave (@400 N. Michigan Ave)
The Saloon Steakhouse (@200 E. Chestnut St)
Signature Lounge On Top Of The John Hancock Building (@875 N. Michigan Ave)

Oct 26
Bongo Room (@1152 S. Wabash Ave)
Starbucks Fullerton & Sheffield
Sheffield Garden District
Swirlz Cupcakes (@705 W. Belden Ave)
lululemon athletica Halsted (2104 N. Halsted Ave)
Kelly's Pub (@949 W. Webster Ave)
McGee's Tavern (@950 W. Webster Ave)
Crossfit Chicago (@1444 W. Willow)
United Center (@1901 W. Madison Street)
Tapas Bar (@42 E. Superior Street)
Portillo's (@100 W. Ontario Street)

Oct 27
Crossfit Chicago (@1444 W. Willow)
Cosi Simply Good Taste on Michigan Ave (@116 S. Michigan Avenue)
MDW-SFO

Summary
Coffee Stops: 8
Irish Pubs: 6
Lululemon: 5
Crossfit Gyms: 1
Airports: 3

Jan 11, 2012

2012-01-11T10:51:00.000-08:00

I have not been running as consistently as I had hoped, or wanted, since my first, and last, half marathon in December; however, I have been consistently weight-training. I've also started supplementing my diet with various vitamin pills, and as of yesterday, started to change some of my daily staples.

I made protein pancakes, protein muffins, and tuna patties last night for the next couple of days. Veggies and yams are staples that I likely will not change anytime soon. For a week, I had ground turkey patties, and I had over-baked them. They still smelled delicious, but were dry to the taste.

I'm really liking the diet change, and making things that are plant-based good for me is super pluses for me. Slow changes, but maybe eventually I'll consider going vegetarian/vegan, again. #forksoverknives

Jan 3, 2012

2012-01-03T20:08:00.000-08:00

I'm slightly exhausted, and it's only the first day back at work. Break was only a work week, and although it is a week more than most people get... I wish it were at least several days longer.

In other news, I did put in my request for various vacation days off in the next 5 months. My supervisor accepted, honestly, what else can she do? Tell me I cannot go?? I've changed my approach, instead of asking, I just inform. It's so much more effective. All of this "vacay" business just means I have to be extra careful with how I spend in the next couple of months, and in the years to come. There's just no way to make ends meet, if I'm not frugal, and mindful.

"My parents did it, so can I."

Repeat mantra. Daily. Keep written account of daily/weekly/monthly expenses, and I should be a-okay.

Here's to a good workout day, and another day in the books.

Until tomorrow, or next time!

Jan 2, 2012

2012-01-02T18:34:00.000-08:00

No post on 2012 NY's goals...

Something to keep in my journal: Running Tips from Women's Health (tips I'm taking away from the full 101)

(1) Accept the Challenge
(2) Aim to run 8-15 miles per week (Yikes!)
(3) Think in Minutes, not Miles
(4) GOOD Running Shoes - 400-500 miles - BIG and WIDE running shoes.
(5) Talk test
(6) Eat, if you feel like it.
(7) RELAX! Listen to the body.
(8) Make time.
(9) Run AGAINST traffic.
(10) Warm-up THEN stretch. #coldmuscles
(11) WATER (My favorite!)
(12) Set mantras. Set goals.
(13) "Like cross-training, 'cross-eating' adds needed variety to your diet--and life. Expand your nutritional repertoire by trying one new food each week." --Liz Applegate, Ph.D. (My Nutrition professor, YES! - awesome instructor)
(14) Train hills. And lean with it.
(15) Enter races.
(16) Stay slightly out of comfort.
(17) Pace. Better to run slower, than to run fast.
(18) Find a reason. Find a purpose.
(19) Train. Alone. With Someone, Anyone.

Things to Try:
- Three half mile repeats, at 5K pace, end with a recovery jog.
- Fartlek training
- Finish runs slightly faster.

Dec 21, 2011

2011-12-21T14:13:00.000-08:00

I'm so exhausted, I want to go home. Sleep. Not eat. Not exercise. Sounds like a good plan, but not.

Coffee is not doing anything for me... I still have half a cup left... and 2 hours before the end of the day. Someone help!

Dec 20, 2011

2011-12-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

prognosis: a-ok to play

Boyfriend was given the go-ahead to play in contact sports yesterday morning - and so, tonight after his roommate's birthday dinner, I'll be going to his hockey game, again.

I said it once, and I'll say it again... I do not know how much longer I can go to his games - I love watching him on the ice, especially since he makes it look so graceful, but watching him take hits upon hits gets unbearable. My only consolation is he always comes out, albeit sweaty, and greets me with a kiss on the cheek.

Readers, pray for a safe game tonight, sans injuries, especially head injuries.

Dec 15, 2011

2011-12-15T23:10:00.000-08:00

I just got "home" from watching another one of my boyfriend's hockey games... and to opine on my experiences... I enjoy being there, and showing support, as the one and probably only fan the team has, season-round. I do not, however, like that this is the adult RECREATIONAL league, and the guys (some young, and some WAY too old to be acting the fools that they do act like) play aggressive, or in the boys' words "check others against the boards".

The boyfriend has these bumps on the sides of his head, and I'm ready to throw it down... and honestly, I do not care that I'm a girl. Somehow they think that putting on a pair of skates, putting on a helmet and playing in adult hockey somehow garners them the right to play dangerously aggressive. As though that will stop me from hunting the f*cker down... and #$#^%^ing the sh*t out of him. They don't know my hometown, and they don't know me.

Dec 14, 2011 Part II

2011-12-14T17:26:00.000-08:00

The new year is looking good already. I'm already registered for a 15k for March of next year, and have plans to travel to BC - snowboarding at Whistler. #yeahbuddy!

Dec 14, 2011

2011-12-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

Lacking Motivation

So I go looking for it.

And I stumbled upon something that hit a really high note with me: Eliminate Self-Doubt and Fear. I was reading this, and it didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, or feel... but what really stuck were the things the article reiterated:

- surround yourself with positive people
- everyone at the gym is there for self-improvement
- yes, you can!
- have drive, reason, purpose
- train hard

"No one can tell you that you cannot do something except you" is the same message I replay in my head, all of the time. When people tell me I cannot, I tell myself several things "if it were easy, everyone would be doing it" and "no one can tell me I can't except me"... and then I look at how much I've accomplished, and remind myself that everything I gave up to get to where I am is why I am here, and why others are not. Why should I let others dictate how my lifestyle should be and what I should eat, when obviously whatever I AM doing is working FOR ME.

Just because I don't eat 800 calories in one meal does not mean I'm anorexic. And, no, I do not need advice from someone who thinks that working at a supplement store somehow makes them an expert on what does and does not work...

Dec 12, 2011

2011-12-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

the follow-up: Running a Half Marathon with No Training

Is it possible? HECK YES!
Did I do it? Obviously.
Would I do it again? Untrained? Likely. Maybe.

Some pointers:
- sleep. at least 7-8 hours. reason: i slept at 12:30a, to wake at 4:30a to leave the house... i was tired. and cold.
- eat. well the night before - not necessarily carbo-load, unless you feel that helps you prepare, mentally.
- hydrate. drink lots of water (all of the time, but most importantly) the week before the race.
- do not weight train several days before, especially not the legs on the Thursday before the weekend race. reason: i trained my legs... extra hard thursday thinking that i needed to tack on an extra leg workout, since i likely wouldn't do another for the rest of the weekend. boy, was i wrong. they felt like bricks going uphill on mile 7, they got heavier and heavier after mile 8, and fully cramped around mile 9. result: i walked about 98% of the last 5 miles.
- be mentally ready. set your mind to it, and do it. if you start to lose momentum, want to quit, or just stop altogether, remind yourself of the reasons why you're running this race, particularly.
- train, if you can. i did it without the training, and i think it is entirely possible. i ran/walked it in 2h:36m (11:56min/mile pace), but when i finished, my thoughts were *what would my time have been, if i had trained? run the entire distance? or at least run the last 2 miles?*

Reflections:
My whole intent when I initially signed up to run the race was merely to do it. The competitive nature in me wanted to prove that if other people, non-avid runners, can complete these runs, why couldn't I? I wanted to run, and to run well. Since I didn't train, as the day drew closer, my goals changed - I just wanted to finish, and collect my medal. Even if that meant walking across the line at 4 hours, I would do it - so when much older women, twice my size (I'm not an ageist, size-ist, etc etc... personal feelings knowing that I work out consistently and am considered "fit"... high expectations for self...) were running past me I was all too sure that I was close to the 4 hour limit, if not at it. So you can imagine my surprise when I crossed the finish to see the clock read 02:36:...

I'd do it again, in a heartbeat. I only hope, and wish, this time around the bug I've got sticks. I thought I got the bug the last time I ran a race, but it wasn't enough to encourage me to train to run this race any better.

verdict: Trampolines after Running a Half Marathon with No Training

No one thought I should/could successfully run a half marathon with no training. I think it was successful, some people run the entire distance at 11:56min/mi. And no one thought I'd even have the legs to go jump on trampolines... so I did everything possible to make sure I'd make it, and have a great time. I took protein/electrolytes throughout the day, used Bengay, had my boyfriend massage out my knots and any tight muscles, and I stretched a lot. Every time I randomly woke during the night, I would massage the legs.... and the result? I woke up still slightly sore, but I could move, much more easily. I had a protein shake that morning, and by the time we got to my boyfriend's house, I was fully mobile. I jumped with more enthusiasm than most of the people there, except my boyfriend, of course, who exerts an abundance of energy, all of the time. The reason I love him so much (he CAN keep up with me).

Would I jump on trampolines after a 13.1 mile run ever again? Maybe not. Neither my running partner nor I were injured, but we ended up in ER anyway, for another friend who dislocated an ankle. Ironic.

reaching the six month mark
Despite all of the mishaps, and unforeseen incidents, yesterday, I had the best birthday celebration/six month anniversary any GIRL could ask for. My friend dislocated her ankle, and all of my friends who had decided to come jump on trampolines with me, showed up at the Emergency Room with me. I spent three hours there, and all of my friends were there. How awesome is that? I still went out to "lunch" at 3:30P for all you can eat Shabu Shabu, and had ice cream as planned, with the best friends I could ever hope for. Complete with asian sticky pictures to boot. And we spent two hours at my injured friend's apartment after we got the car back, just catching up, and hanging out.

My boyfriend's got the best friends that I could ever ask to be friends with - one, offered to and, drove my friend to the ER while I drove my friend's car to the hospital; the other was good-natured and let us "kidnap" him for the duration of the night, so we could get my friend's car back to her... 45 min away.

What more could I ask for?

Dec 9, 2011

2011-12-09T09:07:00.001-08:00

#hashtags galore

Imagine getting out of the elevator to go get #coffee, and being greeted by #christmascarolers... that's what happened this AM.

Not only is it the day before #mybirthday, #1sthalfmarathon, #inauguralrun... it's also the holiday "party" at work. We're not having an actual #party, but we're having a holiday appreciation event for a couple of hours in our offices. Nice gesture. Just means an #earlydayoff. I can appreciate that.

Maybe I'll do a little birthday shopping... #formyself.

Here's to my love for #hashtags, a great beginning to a Friday, and to an exciting weekend ahead!

Dec 7, 2011

2011-12-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

birthday weekend

I'm excited for weekend festivities! I see some of my favorite people, and I've finally (I'm not sure how many times I've expressed this in the past and it wasn't true...) reached a point in my life that I am proud of. I'm seeing all of the important people in my life at present, and, in the past year, have come to grips with the fact that I no longer share the same relationships I once had with people who were once that important to me. I'm no longer angry, or resentful. I've come to peace with it. Coming to this realization on my own this past year has truly helped me grow as a person. And for that, I am thankful.

I'm stoked for my 13.1 mile run, albeit untrained, and am so ready to prove to everyone that I can finish it, even if that means walking across the finish line, and still have energy to jump on trampolines for an hour the next day. No one can tell me I cannot do something, but myself. I'm saying... I can!

Dec 1, 2011

2011-12-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

favorite month of the year: december

First let me say: Happy, happy December, all! Time for holiday music, festive lighting decorations, ugly sweaters, and snow sports! LOVE!

1RM Deadlift: 76kg

I only just attempted to hit my 1 rep max last night, and I decided to max at 76kg - to stop adding weights after I lifted 76 a couple of times. As this was my first attempt at finding one, I wanted to be comfortable with my form - bar running along the legs as you reach the top, and back down. I have bruises to show for it. Suffice it to say, I've never thought so much about maintaining proper form as I did last night - sitting back and then lifting the weight was much more difficult than just bearing the weight with the back - but I definitely do not feel the stress today.

I hope I get much stronger the next go! Love #CrossFit, and love my Crossfit Chicago tee.

Warm-up:
Tabatha -
jumprope
burpees (star jump)
kettle ball swings
sit ups

Nov 28, 2011

2011-11-28T23:05:00.000-08:00

Running a Half Marathon with No Training

Sometime last year, after the various turkey trots, I got the bug. The running bug. (Bear in mind I had stopped running for about a year to two prior to this...)

For as long as I could remember, I've always run, albeit shorter distances, but I've always fit in consistent runs, topping out at around 3 miles/day, 6-7 days/week. So when all of my friends, most of whom were avid non-runners, started to run half marathons and complete them at a consistent jog-run pace, I felt the competitive spirit in me stir.

Sometime in May/June, I compulsively signed up, and paid for my first half marathon - on my birthday. Multiple factors will make this an extremely momentous event: my birthday has never, to my knowledge, fallen on a weekend date, this is the first that I can remember; this is the inaugural half marathon run for this little town; and I will be running my first ever half-marathon before I turn 30.

I had every intention when I signed up for this race to train well for it, and to run it at my best; now about 2 weeks out from the race, I still have not logged more than a 2 mile run. Will I still do it? Hell to the YES! (Excuse my language.) I believe the body is capable of things that seem impossible! And aren't we always discovering new and fascinating miracles of the human body?? So, oh, YES, I CAN do it! And if you google "Run a Half Marathon with No Training", you'll come across varied opinions, split between "Yes, you can - people have done it" and "No, you should not - you'll surely be injured"... I'm a firm believer in "Yes, you can"!

Here's some inspiration: She did it! And, so did he! Oh, so did this guy...!

Nov 24, 2011

2011-11-24T22:54:00.000-08:00

Boyfriend is abroad, traveling for business, again. Twice since we got together. This is extremely beneficial, for professional growth, I see it, and I think it's uber awesome. Professional. Emotionally, it sucks.

As the days go by, I'm filling it with things I use to do when I was newly single, and first moved into my house. I planned day dates with friends, and went out more... I could do all of those things now, while he's gone... but something about it being Thanksgiving, and wanting to be near him makes it difficult.

Initially I thought it was wonderful he had all of these opportunities, and frankly, still think they're wonderful... but they're disastrous for our relationship. Just as I'm starting to really open up, and let the layers fall away, I emotionally have to distance myself when he leaves for business.

Committing myself to being available for chats has made this especially draining - he and I never set guidelines for the protocol when he was abroad. He would tell me the time difference, we would figure when he awakes and when he sleeps, and would agree that particular hours were best for chatting. We never set a day/time. He would wake early so he could chat, and the assumption was that I would be on the other end ready to accept the chat session. And because we never set a time, I was, and am, always left wondering when he would be signing online to chat/video-chat with me... or if he would at all.

I do think I need to find a coping mechanism for his traveling for business, weeks at a time...

However, I'm not sure this would be a good thing... there are two things that can come of this mechanism. One, I find a way to deal with it, and we're dandy - his absence doesn't bother me, and I love him all the same. Or two, I find a way to deal with it, and start to build layers/walls around me - his absence eventually doesn't bother me, because I just don't care that he's away, and I may love him the same, or not at all.

I hope I find the former.

Nov 21, 2011

2011-11-21T13:55:00.001-08:00

I've already decided on a resolution for the new year. None of this get fit, eat healthy junk that fills everyone else's list(s). And mine for the last decade... Taking from the photo a day challenge, I'm going to attempt to write an entry a day for 365 days.

"What brought on this resolution?", asked the boyfriend.

People are thinking, constantly, throughout the day, whether they be interesting, intelligent, logical, or entirely irrelevant thoughts. People are thinking. I'd be interested to see a compilation of my own thoughts on 2012, what was important, or warranted an entry.

An Entry a Day, for 365 Days.

Nov 19, 2011

2011-11-19T22:55:00.000-08:00

'Honeymoon' Phase, and Initial Attraction - Does It Ever Really Go Away?

I always had this jaded view of love and relationships. Of course, I didn't know this at the time.

I had this perception that love and marriage did not necessarily mean what the movies often portrayed, this lovey-dovey, meant to be with the other person, kind of love. I really thought that most couples just find comfort in stability, and knowing that the other person was someone they could get along with... and sort of settled with the other person. Honestly, true love, as they depicted it in the movies, did not exist. Simple as that.

I was wrong, though. In this other person, I found this comfort, and a sense of, seriously, just knowing that I was meant to be with this person. We had been dating for about a month, and the day he was to leave on a plane to South America/Europe, I had this overwhelming feeling, a knowing that this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. We talked about kids, and how we were raised, and if you could imagine, I was indescribably overwhelmed with this feeling that I wanted children, and this was the person I would want them with. I had never wanted children. I liked them, sure, but the thought never crossed my mind to have my own. At least, not until then. It wasn't because I wanted his babies, or that I wanted babies, period... I just knew.

We've now been dating for about half a year, and I still find myself extremely excited to see him. And I see him every night. I had always thought the spark fading was a normal phase in a relationship, I know differently now. The initial attraction, and the spark never really fades - I'm still extremely attracted to him, and with each day that passes, I find that I grow more and more so. I discover new reasons for falling for him, and a better understanding for why we are so good together. And the more that I discover, the more I feel that he is who I am meant to be with.

This morning, as we were waiting around, he whispered to me, as he does ever so frequently, "I love you" with this look in his eyes, as though he were looking into my soul. Jokingly, I retorted, "Do you really feel it? Or are you just saying it to say it?" He responds, "I don't feel it, I just know that I do."

Getting to this "finding your soul mate" place meant taking detours and long winding roads. The hardest part is recognizing that you aren't there yet, and being able to say that you need to move on to find it. I am so truly thankful for whatever it was in me that told me to keep searching, because if it had not been for that, I would not have found mine. Even more grateful for all of my previous experiences that helped me to better understand me, and to appreciate all of the qualities that is who my boyfriend has become.

Nov 19, 2011

2011-11-19T18:52:00.000-08:00

Here's a little something to take you back to that fateful night. April 2007.

It hasn't been very long since you've been gone... and as afraid as I am to admit, I really don't know what I'm to do without you. Sometimes, it seems we're so caught with filling our day and our goings-ons, that we never really have the chance to live in the moment. Even as the hours slipped away today, we moved forward as though the day would end no differently than any other; it wasn't until we were an hour from leaving that we both agreed that we had wasted our last hours together.

About six months ago, you asked me to be a significant part of your life, I came to the realization that whatever this thing was between you and I would not just be another relationship. I never thought I'd want certain things in my life, but with you all of that changed. I realized that if I wanted them at all, I would want them with you. I can imagine having those things with you, when in times past, I would not have seen myself ever getting there.

Four years passed while we were both finding ourselves, doing some growing up, and since April 28, 2007, and we still found ourselves, albeit as two different people, still having the same spark we had years before. Six months ago, when I asked you to come over, as a comedic event to show how obvious your attraction was to me, I had no idea that I would find myself here. I made a difficult decision that I wanted to make an attempt at what it seemed was a bad idea in everyone else's opinion. I am, inspite myself, very happy that I decided to let all other opinions fall to the wayside.

I am so happy to be here, with you. Happy 5th, 8 days ago.

Nov 14 2011

2011-11-14T10:51:00.001-08:00

After a much needed three day weekend, I have had some new thoughts on this whole bridal party ordeal. Although I'd like to be asked, I'm not sure I want all of the financial responsibility that comes with it. Committing to something like this would mean attending all wedding-related activities: engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party... and all of this will add up...

I'm at peace with any decision she makes - honored just to be considered close enough to be asked to attend the ceremony/reception (guest list of 200).

Congratulations, friend!

Nov 10 2011

2011-11-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

I neglected to update since my vacation.

I am back. I was slightly motivated. Then.... my aunt visited. I've been off the last couple of days... hopefully I can steer relatively clear today, and I'll be ready for the weekend.

I have a good friend who is getting married next fall. We had conversations, in the past, before she was engaged, that if either of us were to get married, we'd be each other's bridesmaids. It was a very definite thing. Now she's engaged. And she's torn. Her sister in law got married a couple of years ago, and had a friend, Alice, who coordinated everything day of the wedding. My friend now wants an "Alice", someone she trusts to coordinate and ensure everything goes according to schedule, or as planned... and she hinted, and has stated that she wants me to be that person. She also still abides by wanting me as a bridesmaid, but also mentioned she has a long list of gals she'd consider for her bridal party.

Honestly, I'm honored she considered me, trusts me, enough to want me to be that coordinator person, but at the same time, I really want to be a bridesmaid. I know I'm really good at planning, and coordinating, and I'm sure just about everyone who has considered me, in the past couple of years, as a potential had this thought cross their mind. It may be the very reason most people want me to be there, because they know they can count on me to be there when they really need me, and know I'll do my best, and do it well. It's a huge responsibility and to be the first person considered is a true reflection of perceived character. And it's a good one. I just think I can do it, while also being a bridesmaid.....

Oct 28 2011

2011-10-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

First day back at work - and like many other days these past couple of months, I get very little done. I don't really have an excuse other than that I couldn't find my focus. I've lost interest in what it is that I do at work... there's little motivation to do better, because it seems the company doesn't recognize the effort. Recently I've been pulled in multiple directions, and it's good in that upper level management sees potential in me, and therefore has requested that I participate in more development and workflow projects/activities... however, it comes at a time when I have neither the time, nor the mental capacity to do it. Very few people recognize that I'm being pulled in these directions, both within my group, and without. I got a 4.5% salary increase, whoopdeedooo.

I wonder what will happen when....

Oct 19 2011

2011-10-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

Southwest sent an email yesterday morning advertising another low fare deal, and I was booked for a trip about an hour after that. Instead of weighing the pros and cons of going on the trip, I booked it, and said, I'll deal with the logistics later. Later being after my week long vacation/trip that starts... tomorrow.

I'm living "on the edge". And I like it.

I credit this in part to the relationship I'm in. I'm with an individual who encourages me to live a life apart from him, yet is never afraid to tell me that he'd want to see me daily. He's athletic, so recognizes my need to exercise, even if it means spending more time away from him. He understands that I need to nourish my relationships with my family and friends, and in turn encourages me to engage with them often, separate from him. Yet, he never fails to include me his activities with his friends, and his family, and lets me know daily that he appreciates me. All of this has made the relationship easy, and life less regretful.

Oct 17 2011

2011-10-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'm pent up frustrated. If my head were a balloon over an overheated glass bottle, my head would have exploded just now. I've learned over the last couple of years that I can be very vocal about what I need in order to get my job done - I do not have the patience to listen to, or sympathize, with whatever the excuses may be. I'm the person people think they can use/abuse mostly because I seem nice/innocent, but if I have a job to get done, and if an individual puts me in a position where I'm the scapegoat, I will put that person on the block - and let them know what's what. I don't play favoritism, and I don't particular want to play nice, and frankly, I don't care to be liked by everyone - I just want to get my work done and go home, and not have nightmares about what I still have yet to finish.

People better watch out, mid-November is not the time to mess with me... Angela on a rampage is not a pretty sight.

Oct 13 2011

2011-10-13T20:00:00.001-07:00

Today was my second day of crossfit. Second day of a regular crossfit class. Basics gave me a short and sweet taste of the exercise program, but did not fully prepare me for the intensity that is CrossFit. Part of the intrigue is that I'm challenged beyond my own perceived limitations, and the best part is the encouragement that you do not get at a "conventional" gym setting. People will run the extra 400m with you to make sure you finish your timed workout for the day (from here on out, what I'll refer to as WOD), and compliment on good, proper form. It's the type of setting I need: the structure of a classroom setting, and the people to push me to go the extra repetition, and struggle through the same workout.

At the standard gym, most people turn a blind eye when they see someone struggle to figure out proper use of exercise machines. Crossfit is bare basics, barbells, dumb bells, body weight exercises. I'm excited, because I'm challenged, and I think I love it. I'm hurting in places I didn't think could hurt, and I'm not crying to quit. It's a beautiful thing to be so enthusiastic about something I know I'll stick to, and I know I will perform well at.

Tomorrow will be a day of rest, hopefully this numb left arm will heal by then, and I'll do a Saturday morning session. I cannot look at the blog anymore, because seeing the WOD beforehand makes me fear going to class. No cherry picking here!

Oct 12 2011

2011-10-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

I don't have time... but I do have time to rant.

If I say "no", it really doesn't mean try to convince me otherwise. If I tell you I don't have time, it really means I don't have an hour to spend sitting through a demonstration for something I'm really not all that interested in.

You're trying to convince me to take my lunch to go see a demonstration on facial products, when I specifically said I don't use anything other than sunscreen, and a mineral veil, if that even. To make matters worse, the very individuals presenting this information do not have skin I'd covet, so why then, would I willingly spend my one measly hour away from my desk (if I even decide to step away from my desk) to sit through an hour presentation on how to care for my face, when really, it doesn't seem like you do? I started using sunscreen religiously about two years ago, anti-aging night creams, and elixirs in the last year because it's never too early to reduce the signs of aging, and you're trying to tell me there are other products I need to slather on top to make it better? If you comment on how my skin looks flawless, and I tell you I use nothing, why would you suggest otherwise, when it's fairly obvious that the more products you use, the more likely my skin, if not yours, will react to them, negatively?

(I use the term 'you' to refer to the broader universe, not the specific person who brought about my need to convey my thoughts on the subject of my face, or facial products...)

Oct 11 2011

2011-10-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

On the cusp of my twenty-eighth birthday, I feel it necessary to reflect on the short life that I have lived. Just last night, sitting at the dinner table, I started a statement with “when I grow up”, and quickly realized that in my late 20s, most would view me as already grown up. In my mind’s eye, with living parents, still very able-bodied, I continue to cry to my parents when I struggle with things that I figure they would be able to “fix”. I have a mortgage, not like many of my peers, started to save for retirement in my early twenties, and calculate to the penny how my monthly paycheck will be spent in order to “make ends meet”. Even with these responsibilities, I feel I’m too far behind. This week saw the passing of the visionary behind Apple Computers, Steve Jobs – someone who forged a path that affected the lives of many.

I, too, want to make an impact, but I allow fear to be my crutch, to be my excuse for every inaction. Steve Jobs once said, “You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever…. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it… Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

As with life, I think I have years and years left to live. In some respects I want to save some part of myself, my savings, my adventures for later, for when I have time, or the means to do so, but Steve Jobs’ commencement speech at Stanford sums it up well. I should live each day without fear, and as though it were my last, because I don’t want to be at my deathbed wishing I had done something different. As sad as it is to admit, I fear I have wasted a portion of my life, doing what others wanted me to do, making decisions based solely on the opinions of others, instead of listening to my own intuition. I’m happy to say that I finally found my own voice, and I’m going to listen to it.

Lastly, to the one person who has made me strive to be a better person, every day - Happy 4 months. It seems like I've known you for an eternity, and I don't really wonder what life would be like if we decided not to start this journey together. Because, honestly, I cannot imagine what everyday would be like without ending it in your arms.

... the homeless man

2011-08-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm getting off at my usual freeway exit to work in the morning, and I see the same older, homeless man at his usual posting spot. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Today, though, was different. As I stopped for the second time at the same light, I see the man hurriedly stash away his sign behind some shrubbery along the fence, and dash across the street. Seeing this as a bit unusual, I continued to watch him. The man had crossed the street to take a call... on his cell phone.

... to get a cell phone with service, he would have had to set up a billing address, and probably had a credit check run.... probably not homeless...

Holy Guacamole!

2011-07-15T21:22:00.001-07:00

I love busy schedules:

AIDs Walk Orientation - 10-12P
Race packet pick-up - before 2PM
Garden BBQ - @ Parm's - 2PM
Airport - 5:30P

YES!

Me loves

Sunday will be nice and relaxed, 6AM to get to AIDs Walk at 7:15A... then home.

What a great weekend. I cannot wait.

It's only Friday night.. and I'm at home. Loner status, love it!

Come on Get Higher

2011-04-09T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm 28 this year, and I feel like I'm just starting to figure out what I want from life. I've spent too many years of my life constantly trying to please other people. Always too afraid that who I really am would never be enough. I always need a second opinion, always wanted to get confirmation that my decisions were okay. I've always prided myself in being independent, someone who did not need to depend on others, yet I second-guess every decision I make, needing confirmation because I was never sure what I would be doing would be okay (with other people). I am just someone who never got comfortable in her own skin. 28 years of life, and I have yet to be comfortable. I've never been good enough. I needed to be... Smarter. Thinner. Fatter. More outgoing. Less talkative. All contradictions, just to say that I was never just enough. And just shy of my 30s, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like I am fine the way that I am.

I'm starting the rest of my life today. And I don't want to waste another moment believing that the only way to happiness is pleasing other people, or tiptoeing around their feelings as though mine were somehow less significant.....

2011 - full of something...

2011-03-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

It's already March, and about a year and 3 months since I started at this current position. Would it be horrible if I tell you, I feel like I'm suffocating here. For the past 4 months, I've covered two positions completely, I inquired about a raise, and was told that I could probably get it, but only until they fill the position... it would be a temporary raise. From all that I've heard, gossip or other, there's really no growth here. Most of the employees are lifers, and looking no further... not for education or other... I like that they're paying for my classes as I take them, and am grateful for any monetary assistance I can get... but I still think a raise would be nice. I want to be challenged, but not with just more paperwork, something fulfilling, not something that just takes more than 8+ hours to complete... something rewarding. I want more work, more thought provoking work, not work that someone else gave me with "just copy the previous work it never changes"... and cannot explain to me why I'm doing what I am doing.

... a position opened up at the local energy company, and the position is in a group very similar, if not the same, as the one I'm currently working in. I have a friend who has been at the company since we graduated, and he seems to enjoy the work culture very much, has even tried to coerce me to leave previous positions to work there with him. I think it's time to consider this move.

Pennies, pennies, and more pennies...

2010-08-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

It looks like them lucky pennies really are lucky. Let's hope for another couple of non-problematic weeks ahead, and a clear shot to finish! =D Will update again when it's all settled.

wish me luck

2010-08-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

it could be a new beginning, life is brilliant - let's keep it going in this direction! i'm excited for what all of these new adventures will bring. heads up pennies for good luck!

fiscal year close begins

2010-06-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

Besides today being June 30th, not much else is exciting or new in my life. It's been two full months since my last blog post, and although my journal is void of visitors, I still find that writing into the open cyberspace comes freely.

In the last couple of months, a lot and very little has happened. The school has finally posted my final grades for my Spring class, and yes, oh yes, I got that A that I deserved! Class aside, I go about my day-to-day the same as always, but at the same time find that I am starting to find ways to incorporate more in the little time that I do have. Daylight savings might be the real reason though. I love that it's still light out at 8:00PM, and that the sun is peaking through at 5:30AM.

I'm not taking any courses over the summer, there's so much to do outdoors when the weather is nice, and the days are long, I definitely don't want to spend them indoors trying to memorize formulas and definitions. Unfortunately it will be back to the grind in another month or so. I want to take 6 units for the fall in order to get the discounted student's season pass to Northstar and Sierra (in the Winter), luckily one of the required courses is offered as a 6-month course. I can start a little early and get as much done as possible, then when my Fall class starts, hopefully, I won't have too many exams scheduled for the same day/week.

I'm definitely planning to take Intermediate Financial Accounting, because I've just finished both the Intro to Financial and Managerial Accounting courses this past Fall and Winter, so while the information is fresh, I want to complete all of the Financial Accounting courses, couple this with the taxation course that takes 6 months, and I'll have 6 units for the season's pass. Now, I should talk to my supervisor and manager about getting reimbursed for the accounting courses I'm taking through the Berkeley extension for the Accounting Certificate, and to sit for the CPA exam!

On a side note, I have an acquaintance-friend who has taken two parts of the CPA exam already, and has passed. Two more for her, and she's licensed... wish I had been more attuned earlier on! Imma keep on truckin'! =D

Health and Fitness

2010-04-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

Health. Fitness. Fitness. Health. Health. Fitness. Both go hand in hand. Some people I've encountered seem to think they can do one without the other, do one to an extreme to compensate for a lack in the other, or in the most extreme of cases do neither, ie eat minimally, and excercise infrequently. I say eat minimally in the sense that they rarely eat breakfast, if at all, infrequently fits in lunch, "don't have enough time" or "I forget to eat", and eat a very, very small dinner, along the lines of "soup". This last option worked to an extent. You see the person's ribs, but no true definition, or tone.

Obviously for someone who has excercised from over-obsessively to a more well sustained schedule, I sometimes envy those who have the capability to deprive themselves to that extent, and are still able to sustain. This, though, is really a discussion for another day.

I've come to love exercise, and eating right was just something that I always wanted to do. You can almost say I have OCD when it comes to fitness/exercise. I've found a way to eat, what I considered, "right" - something like eating packets of oatmeals for lunch, lots of fruits (6-8 fruits before I even go home from work), and strictly veggies/tofu/white meat/fish for dinner. I did this for months, and ran 3-6 miles daily, obsessively. I went from a 115-120 frame to a 108-112 in a matter of months, but something didn't work. I was going to the gym during my lunch hour for pure cardio/weight training, and running an extra 3-6 miles at the end of the day, I was spending so much time focused on exercising that I often found ways to incorporate it even if I had a busy schedule....

... imagine taking 2 classes making near full grade points, working full time with a 1-2 hour commute daily, and still finding time to go to the gym for at least 1.5 hours a day. I woke up at 4:30AM each morning to work out just so I could get to work on time, and went to bed around 9-10PM. I spent a lot of time at the bookstore/coffee shop, and napped anytime and anywhere I could. Those 10 minute commutes to the train station... asleep in a minute.

There was even a time in between those two when I was unemployed... where I went to the gym once in the morning, and once in the evening, at least 1 hour per session, lifting and cardio. I developed some major calves from the machine assisted barbell squats/ leg press machines.

In all of this craziness, I think I finally found my medium. I try to go during lunch when I'm not studying for exams, and I definitely try to go after work/class to work in an hour of lifting and/or cardio. The way I eat has changed drastically in the last two weeks. I decided to go vegetarian. Lacto-ovo-pescatarian. I eat eggs, dairy, and fish. Some wouldn't consider that vegetarian, but that's what works for me. Putting a label on my preferred diet makes it easier for me to choose the foods I put in my body.

Assume makes and ass out of u and me

2010-03-10T23:28:00.000-08:00

I talked to some friends, some GOOD friends tonight, and I feel much better, much, much better. I couldn't convince myself to talk to other people, nor did I want to burden people with my sorry situation, but really I didn't know who else to turn to.

One after the other, they sympathized, understood, and wanted to help. One offered sympathy and understanding of how I should feel, both angry and upset, another understood on a deeper level what I was going through, why I am justified to feel the way that I am, and offered without realizing it, sympathy that I really needed. She reaffirmed thoughts I already knew... but told me, without my telling her, what I told other people about our relationship. Yet another, offered, suggested an alternative solution, something I wouldn't have even considered, but the fact that he offered, I am grateful.

He has great friends, and I'm grateful that they are mine, too.

2010-03-08T21:55:00.001-08:00

A part of me knows that this is the end. Another part is hoping that this is just a phase.

We've had situations like this before, and we were somehow able to fix whatever it was that bothered either of us.

This time though, without cause or reason, he is ignoring me. It's been a whole week since he last spoke to me. He has not returned my phone calls, my emails, or my text messages. He didn't even send me a text expressing his annoyance with my 30 phone calls in less than 10 minutes. I know I sound like a crazy obsessive, I really am not. The last time this happened, at about the 10th or so call, he at least sent me a text message telling me to stop calling. This time, nothing. No response.

Can a three year relationship really just end like this? Without any real argument, or disagreement, can it all just go down the drain because he's decided to start ignoring me for whatever fault of mine he has discovered over the course of a 24 hour period? I haven't cheated, and we haven't had an outright, argument with lots of yelling....

He's ignored me for a whole week now. If you've happened upon my blog, you're probably wondering why I would even consider subjecting myself to the sort of torture this has seemed to cause me. At a week, I do think that it is rude, and disrespectful, regardless of his feelings/emotions. If he thought anything of the relationship, he should have the decency to at least let me in on his frustrations, whether they are with me. It isn't fair for him to treat me this way, but I don't know what going on in his head. I do know that when he gets angry, he tends to shut down, and becomes very isolated. He won't talk to anyone, and won't see anyone. Usually with time, he comes around. And usually, I don't have the patience to wait around for weeks for him to figure out what is bothering him. I want to know, and I want to know right NOW. He's very passive-aggressive, and I am very forward. We're kind of complete opposites when it comes to our personalities, but for the most part we've been a very good pair.

Every time I consider just letting it all go, whether he calls, I plan not to do anything about it, but I am reminded of the saying that "for anything worth having, it's worth fighting for". And when I think about the overall relationship, I am content, I am comfortable, and no, not just settling. I have the confidence in myself to know that I can find someone else, but I really don't want to, even if I could. I like what I have, and I plan to make it work, if I can. I just think I deserve a chance to put in that effort, and I don't think ignoring me, or the situation necessarily solves the problem, or gives either of us a chance to work at it. I'm sure he'd agree that he's happy with us, a majority of the time, it's those random moments that he'd really wish for us to be more exciting, etc. I think he expects us to be the couple that is always infatuated, but that's seldom the truth. There are very few couples that are constantly in a state of infatuation... some, but definitely not the majority.

Anyway, if you're reading this, pray that things will eventually come around. Thank you.

2010-03-08T15:16:00.001-08:00

A little part of me has been dying every day since the last time....

Just sometimes....

2010-03-08T10:48:00.000-08:00

I feel very out of the loop. I don't often feel this way, but when I do, I find myself in a frenzy. I go insanely mad in my head, and I don't mean literally.

I'm a thinker, and always have been. I ponder the wonders of the world, the why's, how's, what if's and everything in between. My mother use to tell me, with happy reminiscence that when I was young, my aunt's father in law, who they lived with when I was a tiny tot, would go outside to garden and what not to tend to the yard, and they would leave me in a room with a small bowl of grapes, and they would see me, through the window, play with those grapes for hours on end. Fascinated by them, I'd presume. I was very much self-entertained. My mother had worked in a sewing company in my pre-school years, and at the time, my parents were unable to afford daycare, or maybe it was that they didn't know about it, didn't trust it... well whatever it was, my mom would take me to work with her, but children weren't allowed at work. This may have been more legal than anything else, so they would leave me in these huge garment bins, on top of fabric or something, and when people came to do their quality control checks on various orders, they would tell me to be very quiet, and they would cover the bin with cardboard - everyone loved me because I was especially obedient. I was, in my mother's words, very easy to take care of.

With all of that being said, this last week has been really difficult for me. My boyfriend of almost 3 years has for no obvious reason(s) has stopped returning my calls, emails, and texts. I guess I only became aware of this when he didn't text me as usual when he got home. I figured he just forgot, as I usually do, so I sent a text to inquire. No response. I had a vague idea that he was upset, but I didn't think it was anything serious. You see, he and I live in different cities, about 80-90 miles between, so our relationship is very much a long distance relationship. Of course, we've had our routine spats, usually from his discontent, that I live too far, and at the end of it, he's gone back to his contentedness with the relationship. We don't have many fights, but as all couples, when we do it's BIG. Most of them are due to miscommunication on one or both of our parts, but after many consistent phone calls, one of us usually decides it's okay to talk again. I've stopped the ignoring phone call bit since the very beginning of the relationship, but since I've stopped, he has picked it up. I suppose as a sort of revenge, and what not, but over the years, it's become something per usual whenever he's angry.

You see, my boyfriend is very much a shy person. He has many friends, but most of them are friends of other friends, and by association his. He has never been one to be center of attention, or does he want to be, very often he's the one guy in the group that doesn't really seem to belong. He's always been that way, and is content with this. Sometimes, my friends and his friends' friends see this as being snotty. Those who know him better know that this is just his personality, not his display of feeling superior to others. With that being said, when he gets angry, he tends to shut people out, he doesn't get angry/upset very often, but when he does, usually it's with me. With most other people, he doesn't think it's worth his time to even ponder being upset. In his words, he could care less what he/she thinks of him, and that he reciprocates.

Now take into consideration that we're long distance, and his tendencies to hide when he's upset, and you have, in my opinion, a formula for disaster. Now couple that with my tendency to do mental somersalts, and you've got a crisis.

It's kind of funny how this whole thing is happening. I see myself doing one thing, but ultimately find myself talked out of it, and doing something entirely different. I guess I should explain, else you'd be confused, and wonder whether I've already digressed from my original topic. When these events happen, especially ever since he's decided to pick up that poor habit of mine of ignoring his phone calls whenever I was angry, I promise that this only happened at the very beginning of the relationship, when I was very much still an immature individual, claiming to be otherwise, I tend to go over every event that could have caused the situation, but this usually starts with every possible worst case scenario that you can think of. My very first thought, unlike my good friend/high school bud/excollege house mate/current coworker, was that he had decided without any obvious reason to break things off. This thought comes with justification, this has happened before and he would ponder why I even wanted him around anymore, because it seemed obvious that I really didn't need him in this relationship. My friends and coworkers, both past and present, zero in on the fact that the situation seems to have risen out of the blue, and their very first question, verbatim "Are you SURE everything's okay? Did he make it home okay that night??" I kid you not, this very sequence of questions were posed 4 different times by 4 different people who had no idea I had confided in others.

I guess I'm really just looking for an excuse, a reason to believe that maybe there is hope. I want there to be hope. I've spent the last couple of years with this person, and have felt more comfortable in my own skin with him than I have ever felt with anyone. I never feel as though I need to be on my toes with him, nor do I feel like he consciously judges me, or compares me to other women, or even wishes me to be more like other people. Save for those rare occasions where he's bugged by the fact that other friends' girlfriends are extremely outwardly affectionate, and he wishes I would be more so. The only caveat is that he and I have never had a serious relationship about our relationship, about how we truly feel about each other, or where we want our relationship to go... except for the times when we get into an argument/disagreement/fight where we are forced to confront those feelings. I think what he and I really need is face time, and to discuss these things. After this time of reflection, I feel as though he and I need this time, outside of argument/fight/whatever this is to discuss. When we're both in a good mood, where things aren't said just to be said to verbally hurt the other person.

March 1: fitness update

2010-03-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

I've been on and off active, if that's even possible. For the most part, I've been pretty consistent with this Insanity workout program, but on the weekends, I find that I give myself an excuse to fall off the wagon. I call it... my cheat day. This will usually drag for a day or two after, until I realize I really should not be eating that way for being almost entirely inactive.

The last couple of days have been rough on my body, I find that the 8-9 hours of sleep that I am now allowing myself (albeit, instead of getting up at 5:30 in the morning to go through the hour long Insanity workout) does not do my body the justice that I thought it would. I plan to leave work quasi-early again today, and perform the workout that was scheduled for Friday. Instead, I'll push back my fit test that is scheduled for today for my off day on Monday, and continue on. Hopefully the lack of exercise does not set back any of my gains, I fear the chocolate binge recently will have definitely done its harm.

Lots of water, and hopefully I will come out a winner!

Fitness Update - STOKED

2010-02-22T15:44:00.000-08:00

Since my early February post, I have found that I had lost the motivation to go to the gym, probably because I was overtraining my muscles, and was fatigued from the workouts, so instead have opted in on the Insanity workout program. I started about a week ago, and find myself thoroughly challenged. Prior to the workouts, I had been a gym rat - 1-2 hour sessions, after a daily 3 mile trek to and from my car to work, plus a relatively restricted diet, sometimes I would add in a 2-6 mile jog on the treadmill.

Now that I have started the workout program, I am eating more frequently, including more foods that I had once restricted/craved, and find that I am still losing the weight, fast. I am about 9 pounds from my short term goal weight, and am hopeful that this will happen before my goal date, in June.

Tomorrow is the beginning of week 2, Cardio Power and Resistance! I am excited for the arm workout portion. Have been looking forward to those v-pushups!

2010 Update

2010-02-03T15:58:00.001-08:00

It seems two weeks is enough time to fully transform oneself - with the added bonus of 2-6 mile daily jogs, coupled with moderate to vigorous resistance training/weight lifting, I had lost 4 lbs in two weeks. My waist trimmed from a 29.5 to 28.5 in that same time, and with the help with a little brown bikini, I was able to gage whether I had any actual fitness gains in the past weeks.

Despite all of this, I had a piece of chocolate, poppyseed cake over the weekend, which led to a 2 day binge on all sorts of fat injested foods - 5 chocolate candy bars, 4 cupcakes, 2 slices of pizza, coldstone ice cream, in two sittings. I started both Monday and Tuesday on healthy notes, apple with non fat milk, followed by nonfat lattes from Starbucks, but by the end of both evenings, I wanted the sugar. Maybe it was the over-consumption of the foods that made me crave it more, and the more that I craved it, the less I was able to fight it off. I caved both nights, and felt awful afterwards - mentally I wanted to beat myself up for having put so much effort into getting this summer ready physique, only to have it all undone with a couple of cakes that weren't even satisfactory!

I have a strong will, and like they say, if there's a will, there's a way. I am planning to make an attempt at the gym again tonight. Let's hope the cupcakes do not call to me tonight, make that the cupcakes, pizza, cake, ice cream, or bread, and then I'll be a-ok. Just one day, and I will be home free!

2010 Resolutions

2010-01-18T19:54:00.000-08:00

I don't to make a statement about my lack of updates; however, it is good to note that since my fast, I had something of a fast food binge for a month or two straight. I started to reconcile those habits over my winter break from work. Working for the university system provides that sort of comfort, and it was much needed - after a quarter of classes, a lifestyle of unemployment to contract work at Genentech to move to a full time position much, much closer to home. Before I move onto more important goals in life for this year, and beyond, I want to reflect on the year past.

I started the year as an Associate at a financial services corporation, one where I truly believed in the ethics and morality of the company and its executives; however with the changing scope of the industry, as well as re-aligning the company with future goals, internal changes left me with a tough choice between moving to a new state to stay with the company, or to not move but at least a compensation package. You may have already guessed, I chose the latter. Looking back, it was the best decision I have made thus far. I had the pressures of a boyfriend about 100 miles away, plus the conversation about where the relationship would be going if I should decide to move - courtesy of a little birdie about choices I needed to make regarding my career. Ultimately having my boyfriend and my brother with me in the new location for a holiday weekend trip to Texas helped finalize my decision when I walked in the following Monday with my decision on a pre-drafted questionaire from Human Resources.

Since then, I have traveled to Vancouver, Canada, to the Midwest, and to Japan, all in a whim, all in a two month period. I had the opportunity to do the traveling, without taking time off, and I was being paid to do it... I saw the world, traveled alone, and had a great time doing it. You hear people say that they'd do it when they got the chance, but the thing is, chances don't just happen, you make them happen. If you wanted to do it, you create the opportunities to do them. When I came back, I realized, again, that my life's goal is to travel the world, to see the world, not just the monuments, or the things books tell you that you must visit. I want to see the world as the people see them - on a day to day basis. Of course, without money and security, I would not be able to do them, so here I am again, back to the grind, building what I hope will be the foundations for my next trip to the unknown.

For now, though, I want to set some goals for the new year - I want to lose all of this junk food weight that I had gained from my rather unsuccessful fasting period, of 1 week, and to gain a much more toned physique. My boyfriend once said that I should stop trying to compare myself with everyone else, all of my friends. To be honest, I don't try to do it, at all, it happens. I have it running in my head that these people were once much, much bigger than myself, and if they are able to lose weight to the point where their waist is much more trim than mine, then I, too, could do it, with some discipline. Without the constant reminders, from facebook, myspace and the like, really anything that updates me on their physical features, I would have no motivation to really get myself going. After binging on fast food for a month, getting out of bed, early in the morning, can be extremely exhausting, but with the motivation, I know that within a month's time, I'll be on my way to a bikini-ready bod. I know I can do it, I just need to stay focused.

2009-10-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

It's only October, but I cannot wait for December. Not just for my birthday, but for the holidays, the thought of snow, and Christmas songs, and movies. I use to dread certain months of the year, but having acclimated to the professional life, and growing up some, I'm starting to enjoy all seasons of the year: green grass, fresh flowers in the spring, summer sports, and camping weekends, with long summer days, followed by autumn, fall colors, and leaves, and finally, the thought of snow, and the impending winter sports, snowboarding, and weekend cabin trips. It seems I've finally hit a really good groove with life, for a moment in time, I have a clear direction of where I want to be, and I'm loving every moment of life. Of course, California doesn't see much of the distinct four seasons, but the idea that should I want to visit the East Coast, I can surely surround myself with something of a lovely winter season. For once in my life, I'd love to be in New York City for the Christmas holiday, I just don't know if this year will be the year.

Post

2009-10-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

Since the post fast about 3 weeks ago, I have not ceased my poor eating habits. I'm certain at this point it has nothing to do with the curse, or that time of the month, but in any case, all attempts to rid my bad habits with the help of the fast has gone down the drain. My bud during this experience has had much better luck with maintaining good eating habits, as well as overall lifestyle changes since the experiment; I, on the other hand, have had little to no luck on that front. To paint you a better picture, I have had nothing BUT fast food in the form of sweetened coffee, pineapple buns, cocktail buns, loads of bread, ice cream, burgers, fries, cakes and just about any other not-so-good for you food post fast. I actually started feeling really crappy as of late, and want not to leave my room, only on the occasion of getting to and from class, any extra activity that seems relatively unnecessary I have stayed away. I'm even lacking the enthusiasm to go see my significant other as a result of this lapse in healthy decision making, which I had once been an avid believer, to the extent that you could not talk me into eating fries, even if you paid me for it.

For whatever reason, I have had very little trouble in talking myself into eating a burger, or a burger, fries, soda and dessert, immediately after devouring a pineapple bun with mini pork buns on the side. As of today, that all has to stop. Not only am I starting to have a negative outlook on the outside world, but I no longer seem to want to be in it. I use to wake around 5-6AM on weekend mornings just to go for a jog around the lake, or spend an hour in the gym. I'd even try to schedule in time during boyfriend visits, just to make sure I got my exercise in. I'd count calories subconsciously and tell people I really wasn't, at least then I had some sort of control over my life. I feel as though these past couple of weeks I've lost all sense of control. The same control that I had been wanting to gain as a result of my experiment with fasting. I let fasting become a small part of my lifestyle, and reverted back to old eating habits, without thinking that the whole purpose of my fasting was to get that control, and to maintain it. Instead I harbored fantasies about all the fatty foods I would eat after. It probably was not a good idea to do this experiment with someone who constantly talked about eating pizzas, and cookies after the fast, but I admit part of that blame is my own, and I should fess up to it. I was easily persuaded away from the way I liked to eat, and now fancy that eating unhealthy is really the manner in which I like to eat. Sad, really.

I must gain control, and fast! (No pun intended.)

Obama and the Nobel Prize

2009-10-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

First, I think it's absolutely wonderful that he was awarded. There, obviously, is a lot of controversy over whether he deserved it, and although I highly value others' opinions, I also feel that the Nobel Prize committee was not doing anyone any favors by any means. It would be a bit more suspicious had it been a U.S committee, but that's not the case, so the idea that Obama is not "yet" deserving of the award is preposterous. I also think it's a joke to all other Nobel Prize winners for criticizers to say that he is undeserving, had the committee simply made a decision for reasons other than which makes Obama the qualified winner, it is to say that all past winners should require a second critique. To end, Obama was rewarded for his accomplishments, and efforts, and his ultimate reward was a result of those accomplishments that the Nobel Prize committee believed to make him the winner of the 2009 award, I do not think it is anyone else's prerogative to second guess that decision.

Fasting, Day 2

2009-09-16T23:37:00.000-07:00

It's the end of day 1, and the beginning of day 2. I ended up eating until near 12AM - so hopefully I'll stay the course now that I've started over. I now have a fasting buddy, and this should make this whole journey much more bearable to have someone to talk to about the process, and what's happening with my body.

I've been feeling relatively good today, no lack of energy, or feeling crabby, I tried to steer clear of too much overexertion because of my trial run fast, and I think it definitely helped that I moved around only minimally. I can definitely see this getting tougher as the days go on, as I'll be in the company of others who will make note of the fact that I am not consuming as everyone else. As this is all a journey to reacquaint with my body and its real needs, I'll hopefully learn to conquer my cravings, and not let others' influence me too much away from this journey I've chosen to embark.

My stomach has started to sink in, and is starting to feel as though it is eating itself, major movements do seem to prove difficult, and muscles are starting to feel slightly sore, and overused, my tongue is also reverting to this grimy/clammy feeling but my hopes are these feelings will subside as I get through the first 72 hours.

It's just another 48 hours, JUST another 48.

Fasting, Day 1

2009-09-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

Fasting (1-30 days)

Day 1 (Sept 6 - 6PM)

I had started fasting Sunday evening, not eating after 3PM - I ended that last night when I impulsively decided to eat junk. Talk about not overcoming my impulses. Fasting, I hope, will help me control my food cravings. I definitely do not eat to stop hunger, I eat because I crave food, I crave junk. I can eat tubs and tubs of ice cream, nonstop, or until the tub is devoured. I'm not obese, or am in desperate need of losing weight, but those cravings will be the death of me, if I do not control them before it's too late.

Some stats to start with:
118lbs
11.25" upper
29" around

My main goal would be overcoming, and getting in control of my poor eating habits. At least enough for my friends and family to stop being amazed at how much I eat, and how much bad foods I can consume in one sitting, or over a one hour period. Losing some BF along the fasting journey would be a big positive, as well, it'll definitely give me more reason to maintain good habits. I'm not so much concerned with the actual weight difference, but a change in my circumference would be nice.

Current feeling: =)
I'm full from lots of protein drinks, spread throughout the day, loads of bread, pineapple buns, and nuts. I'm not sure why I eat to the point where I feel like this, but hopefully fasting will debunk it.

2009-03-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

Irish Traditions
There are many Irish traditions people follow to celebrate St. Patrick's Day and other Irish occasions, although not all of them are historically accurate. Some of the Irish customs people are more familiar with include wearing green, eating Irish food and drinking beer. Actually wearing green is strictly a U.S. custom, as the color green is considered unlucky in Ireland. Green is connected to the old green flag and a time when Ireland was not free. Americans have embraced their own St. Patrick's Day tradition of drinking large amounts of Irish beer or green beer, which has no real historical Irish references at all. Another new St. Patrick's Day tradition started by school children is pinching classmates who don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day. This tradition has grown with the times, and even if you aren't a school child, beware on St. Patrick's Day if you aren't wearing green!

I fell off...

2009-03-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

... and lately, it's been too difficult to get back on. I've been eating more carbohydrates, mostly in the form of bread/pastries, and lots of chocolate, and piles and piles of tortilla chips. I partly blame my monthly friend that I've fallen - my cravings - but really it's a lack of strong-will, or a will enough to overcome the huge cravings I have whilest on le rag.

I will persevere - check back in another week or two.

Change of Plan 2009

2009-02-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

I'm probably the most informed person many of my friends know. Tasked with a difficult situation, I question, prod, research until the subject tires. As is the case with my recent traffic ticket, but that's not the subject.

I've been exercising for over two years. Whilest in college, I went to the gym on an almost daily basis, for some scary three hours. Long by the standards of those who only try to make it there for a measly one hour. Even now as I've become more skilled in training, etc, I'm still bordering two hours. Of course, I've become more specialized in it, and even male friends ask advice when they see me.

Not only do I research, I observe those at the gym who have bodies to prove success. I mirror my own workouts after this female I often see at the gym. Beginning to incorporate her workouts into my own, or tweaking mine to adjust to my own needs. (I really don't want biceps as huge as hers.... bigger than most guys at the gym that I've seen thus far.)

Really, though, the point of this post is to track progress... and here's what the changes are:

2-20-09

- begin weight training before cardio
- start with 10 minute warm up on rowing machine
- perform standard weight training regime used previously, in reverse order
- incorporate side bends, and torso twists with 35lb barbell weight
- incorporate dumbbell raises, on slanted weight bench - 2-3 sets of 10, at 15lbs each
- incorporate machine lateral pull workout - elbows resting at sides, pull from shoulders to sides; arms raised to shoulder height, pull down to sides; 2-3 sets of reps of 10 at 20lbs
- perform romanian chair leg raises for abs
- incorporate crunches on ab crunching machine
- perform standard plank for all sides
- incorporate floor crunches - legs facing either left or right, with body facing towards ceiling, sets of 10 crunching upwards
- incorporate floor exercise - body facing either left or right, leaning on hip bone, perform scissor like movement with legs for sets of 30, on left and right side

Progress: Body still aches from workout from yesterday morning. Good sign.

Current measurements:

Waist
Above belly button - 28.00"
Below belly - 32.00"

Hips - 34.00"

Upper thigh (2" from bikini line)
Left - 19.75"
Right - 20.00"

Lower thigh (2" from knees)
Left & Right - 14.50"

Calves
Left - 13.25"
Right - 13.50"

Upper arms, at armpit
Left - 11.00"
Right - 11.00"

Middle arm
Left - 10.25"
Right - 10.50"

Lower arm, above elbow
Left - 9.25"
Right - 9.00"

Weight - apprx. 118lbs, daily fluctuation between 115-118lbs

....

2009-02-12T14:27:00.015-08:00

Pet Peeves - when someone brings in snacks, and random guy that BARELY EVER talks to you, comes over, and hoards the snacks. Worst yet, the only time he comes over to chat is to get more snacks. No issue with eating the snacks, that's what they're there for, but when you come over, wait for the person to start doing other things, and THEN start taking the snacks whilest they're looking away = annoying.

A cannister of snacks, each package has about 30 pieces, he'll take about 1/4th each time he comes around. And another note to mention, it's not just once a day.

This is the same guy who constantly claims that he needs to lose weight by a specified date, doesn't eat breakfast, or lunch, yet he'll drink coffee, eat pastries, and eat all sorts of high in saturated fat snacks. I don't know sounds like this guy has an issue.

He'll even come over with comments, like "You're going to buy me a [enter sports utility car here], right?". Guy's married, and about 35 years my senior.

There's something about...

2009-02-03T12:23:00.023-08:00

... it that is creeping up my pet-peeves list. Not that I ever kept record of things that bugged me, but lately (actually, not so lately - rather ever since she went back to Austin) she'll call with this roundabout starter line that "eases" into her issue; however, being pressed for time as a whole, I need her to get to the point - instead of wasting my time. Most frustrating is that after I give her a response to her mostly common sensical questions, she responds with a trailed off, ".. that's what I thought, but I wanted to make sure!" You can expect it, almost everytime she calls. I've begun to wonder why she even calls to waste time, for matters to which she apparently already knew the answers. Of course, everyday, it's the same routine, I can expect her call just about for everything that she should have picked up since late last year, at least having taken those responsibilities since late September - she's getting real close to that half year mark. The same time in which I was able to fully grasp the Non Market responsibilities and duties, and take on full responsibility for Month End dividend processing, including, but not limited to, clearing daily dividend breaks in order to ensure that all funds are paid out correctly on month-end.

Course I cannot expect everyone to function on the same mentality and capabilities as my own, yet I hope for it; just for ease of mind, and transition.

Inspiration, Part II (2009 Resolutions)

2009-01-27T21:12:00.000-08:00

It's funny how the mind works... lately, and I'm not sure why exactly, but I've mentally set goals for myself. Maybe it's part of the whole new year's resolution(s) ideology - but I've never fallen prey to the following. Most people set these ridiculous goals for themselves, and come mid-February most people have broken whatever promise(s) they have made for themselves.

It's especially evident at the gym. I've had a gym membership, almost immediately, after my car accident - the first full week of starting at CSTC. Initially, when I started going, I would probably make it to the gym about 2-3 times a week, and often I had to convince myself to go; but in the two years that I've been, I've been a frequent visitor to three main gyms, all within close proximity to either work, or home.

Being an avid gym-goer, I've come to recognize the patterns of other people. On a weekly basis, you'll find lines and lines of people Monday through Wednesday, occasionally Thursday; however, come Friday, machines are essentially all free, and the weight/machine areas are nearly deserted. Probably because people give themselves breaks over the weekend, and they start anew at the beginning of the week. This is especially true at the beginning of the year when people make the resolution to go to the gym more often to get fit, or whatever the resolution may be. Give this resolution until mid February, benefit of the doubt, end of March, and a lot of the space starts to clear up. Lines die down, and wait time zeroes.

Despite seeing this, I've set some goals for myself for this year, in no particular order:

· perform sets any number of UNassisted chin ups, or pull ups (this is closely related to my resolution to exercise like Jessica Biel),
· become less drama prone - i.e no shit talking about other people, even if it's not meant to be shit talking,
· when laid off, take no more than two weeks, before beginning to actively search for a job,
· save more, spend less (sounds tough for others, but I know I can do it!),
· research into purchasing own car insurance, eventually paying for my own, instead of relying on my parents to pay - can do monthly payments if not able to do the annual payment!

I think I've set relatively reasonable goals for myself, and am faithful that I can fulfill my goals by year's end.

Wish me luck!

INSPIRATION

2009-01-23T14:08:00.005-08:00

"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." - President John F Kennedy, Inaugural Address (Jan. 20, 1981)

As usual

2009-01-21T12:05:00.030-08:00

It's about more than half way through the first month of the year, already. I told myself that I would begin to work on my resume as soon as it was near November, two months later, I still have not started.

I'd like to say that this is because my resume/cover letter style really just caters to specific job descriptions - so much so that each individual resume is detailed for it. I could just as well be making an excuse for myself so I wouldn't have to start on the thing until it's absolutely necessary - which ultimately means I probably would not begin to utilize my countless resources whilest still employed. As this is a mass layoff, of sorts, my various superiors, as well as superiors from other teams have voiced their desire to help me perfect le resume, yet, I still have not begun to reconstruct it.

On another note, since the cabin trip two weeks ago, I have not been up to par with my relatively clean eating habits/exercise regime - I've fallen far off the wagon. I rarely want to go to the gym, and I'm eating way more than necessary. There are people who argue that I don't eat enough, but I believe I eat enough of the nutritous foods, necessary for day to day functions, not too much excessively, and because I'm not eating like everyone else, I get extreme criticisms for it. People who over enthusiastically tell me that maybe I'm overdoing it, or tell me that eating hearty is healthy. I'd argue that eating hearty is not altogether healthy, especially drenched in sauces that are not necessary for clean eating. I think for sustenance, all that is necessary would be foods high in nutritional value, and only eating what is self prescribed as enough. Not by everyone else's definition of what is needed, or enough.

Long month, longer New Year's Eve

2008-12-29T08:13:00.008-08:00

Almost a month has passed since I last posted any updates on anything, and everything affecting my daily life. Since then, I've become ever more conscious of my daily food consumption, over obsessively. I'm trying hard to stay the course, but often find that weekends tend to take a damper on my "diet", or normal eating habits.

The last two days have been pretty good, considering I've up-ed the amount of water I consume while at work, compensating for the lack of hydration once I return home, keeping track of all physical activity, and food consumption. I'm doing a much better job steering clear of the junk I'd consume otherwise.

I meant to create this blog yesterday, but due to the never-ending work that needed to be done, in order to fully prep for today, there were only brief moments of freedom. Today, though, is all about making sure everything that needs to be corrected, are corrected - so it's a lot of pressing various buttons on a macro. So far, I've had to re-run two macros to capture things that were evidently missed, or corrected on the broker side. The down side is that there are actual out of balances that I have to research. At least once those are done with, I'll be better able to prepare for tonight's processes.

Just a side note: since I've started drinking a whole heck of a lot more water, my skin has gotten reallllly smooth. I'm not sure if it's the water, or if it's the working out until I'm sweating bullets that is the real cause of the smooth skin. Whatever it is, I like it.

2008-12-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

25th in 9 days - and I just want to sit at home, and not do anything. I don't really want to see anyone, and I definitely do not want anyone to say anything to me about it. Sure is a pessimistic view on it, but that's how I feel. No night of debauchery, or staying out late, because I like/want my sleep.

Anyway, maybe I'll change my mind, maybe I won't - we'll see.

Thanksgiving 2008

2008-11-27T20:21:00.000-08:00

2.

The number of times I've made the turkey for Thanksgiving.

1.

The number of times that there was almost no leftover Turkey.

The difference? Trial and error.

----------------

Turkey Preparations Timeline:

Two nights before Thanksgiving, brine (soak in salt water/mixture of choice) turkey.

Brine recipe:
1 gallon of Vegetable broth, boiled and cooled to room temp
3/4-1 gal of water (pref. ice)
2 tablespoons thyme
2 tablespoons basil
2 tablespoons italian seasoning
2 tablespoons parsley
(optional-2 tablespoons salt)

Turn turkey about every 8 hours, to ensure that turkey is brine completely.

Early Thanksgiving morning (apprx. 4, or more, hrs before baking), drain all brine. Pat turkey dry, with hand or paper towel. Rub herb generously all over turkey.

Herb Rub:
2-3 tablespoons of each: thyme, basil, italian herb seasoning, parsley, salt, pepper (or any herbs of your choice)
1-2 tablespoons of olive oil (can use butter to substitute)
*oil is used to help seal in moisture while turkey is in oven

For a more even turkey, stuffing is cooked separate of turkey. Rub pepper/salt mixture (2 tablespoons of each, or until desired) into cavity. Squeeze half lemon into cavity. Place in cavity: several stalks of celery, carrots, one apple - chopped in cubes, one onion - chopped.

Truss (tie) the turkey. Sit turkey in position for baking - breast side down. Let turkey sit in refrigerator until baking time.

**breast side down yields much more tender turkey (tastes like chicken!) by allowing breast to soak all drippings during baking.

1. Preheat over to 400ºF for 15-20 minutes
2. Tent the turkey (with aluminum foil)
3. Allow turkey to bake for first 30 minutes at 400ºF, then turn down to 350ºF for the next two hours
4. Turn turkey tray a quarter turn, every half hour.
5. Baste turkey every hour, or when deemed necessary. (I basted turkey only twice the entire time)
6. Final hour, turn turkey breast side up for browning, and temperature check.

Breast - approx. 160ºF
Thigh - approx. 175º - 180ºF

Let turkey sit for half hour before serving to allow moisture to redistribute.

Use drippings from turkey to make gravy.

Gravy:
1 cup chicken broth
6-8 (discretionary) tablespoons all purpose flour
1/2 cup whipping cream
turkey drippings
(optional: can add other ingredients, i.e apple cider, herbs)

----------------

The meat was extremely tender, and had all non-turkey lovers raving about how delightful the turkey turned out. I was asked more than a couple of times what I had done to make the turkey so juicy. I'd say the amount of leftovers (about a plateful) for a 16lb turkey, for a family of 11, including a 2 year old, speaks to the success of this dish! DELISH!

Election (of the century), 2008

2008-11-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

Obama v. McCain

What everyone already knows, or will know:

Obama is the first African American president-elect of the United States of America, the 44th president of the USA.

Obama won majority electoral votes, making him the first national president, since Lyndon B Johnson.

Obama was announced as projected president-elect at 11:00PM EST, on November 4th.

Obama has run, according to many news anchors, strategists, analysts, etc, the most organized, and well-run campaign anyone has ever seen - utilizing the internet, and his experience in grass-roots campaigning, utilizing early voting.

Obama identified over 600,000 registered Democrats, who did not make the election in 2004, to go out and vote in this election. Actual turnout is unknown, but could prove to be a factor, as black, latino, and younger voters obviously turned out to elect him as our next executive.

What you may not have known:

RocktheVote! made personal calls on election day to mobilize young voters to turn out at the polls.

... and I had been sitting in front of the tube since 3PM PST watching the poll results roll in, and waiting for CNN to make their projections.

It's been a long day.

Food Logging

2008-11-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

For the past week or so I've been logging most of the food that I eat... not obsessively so, I thought. Then last night/yesterday, it being month-end, my coworker, Shuwei's last day-in SF until he relocates to Austin, TX for the next couple of years, and Robert's friend Rodney's Halloween/house party, it was hard to say no to it all.

I started the day as usual, not really craving much, but then came all the festivities. Month-end lunch, Shuwei's cake, our company's Fun, Uplifting, Invigorating(FUI) event - cookies/cupcakes/candy/pretzels, and then the Halloween party- where I was not drunk enough to chat up everyone, but bored enough to stand near the food table to eat non-stop. Sounds like a fat person talking, right?

Well, here's the food log for yesterday:

.5 cup of Cheerios
.5 cup of Honey Bunches of Oats
1 cup of soy milk (100 cal)
1 whole, large, orange (85-90 cal)
.5 bowl of Donburi-1.5 fillet of Salmon, 1 cup of rice
1 serving of Synder's pretzels (50 cal)
1-2 servings of roasted peas (130-260 cal)
2x4" slice of fluffy, Asian-style cake
1 chocolate frosted, chocolate cupcake (100 cal)
7 pieces of chocolate drizzled macaroons
1 nutrigrain bar - apple cinnamon

Halloween party-
4 shots of presidente/captain morgan
1 pecan chocolate chip cookie
2 slices of salami, rolled over cream cheese
20-30 white corn tortilla chips, and some cream cheese/salsa dip

I wonder how many calories I ate last night... since I had been so good about it all week long - including those long walks at lunch....

Obsessively so, I bet I've undone all the detox I've done. WAAAAAH!

Another 15 Days, and Still No Progress..

2008-10-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

So it seems the economy really isn't looking too much brighter, despite the highest gain since '33 on Monday, after European leaders, of the Group of Seven, G-7, met over the weekend and decided to inject into the economy to help save the bigger banks, etc. The biggest gain: up 900 points in a single day of trading. Crazy.

Other than the economy, nothing uber exciting has happened, except to say that I met a totally rad Austinite, and she's changed my initial perception of Austin, TX. The fact that we get along so well is pretty cool, too.

2008-09-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

They called today the single worst day of trading in the last 2 decades. DJIA plunged over 700 points - and most investors are in a rut.

The house rejected the bailout plan today with about Republicans at 2-1 against the proposal. Those who voted no now face forewarnings of the consequences for not helping the economy when they can prevent an economic downturn. It is this very sort of foreWARNING that bolsters my own fears that maybe the economy won't recover as quickly as they had hoped. Things may not look any better in a year, or two.

Worrisome, to say the least.

You don't even know.

2008-09-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

In the last two weeks, I've been in situations that have made me question a lot about everything in my life. Maybe not everything, but a few key things in my life. My manager, a bitch of a woman, who thinks she somehow knows more, and is more experienced in life, in her what? 2-3 years seniority over me, thinks that what she learned in class is somehow relevant to my life.

She has the audacity to dig deep into my life, after deciding that she would dump onto me the duty of training someone, when she knows full well that I have no room for it. Training. Not a problem. Telling me on a Thursday afternoon, 3 days before the training. Idiotic move. In what she believes to be a calming statement, says to me, that she should have been more considerate in realizing that I don't know the functions as well as she does, and that had she been the one to perform those tasks, she would complete them much faster than I, several hours faster.

This isn't the only bit that enrages me. She thinks that by giving me advice... she is somehow becoming my friend. Yet, really, all she has done is stack on the work. The work, again, not a problem. Stacking on the work, while knowing full well there are members on the team who do next to nothing, having time to watch full segments of live TV on the web, and toggling the screen as soon as someone walks by. It bothers me that she knows full well that she works two members of her team, and the rest are just idling away the day. She knows that we barely eat, because we don't have time. Yet she has the time to take half an hour each morning to go out to buy coffee. She takes on responsibilities, and then turns around, in a private one on one, and says "you do it". She says one thing in a one on one, and turns around and says another in a team meeting.

She even had the audacity to tell me something about a book I was thoroughly into, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I had even taken a one day course on the subject. She had the audacity to give me advice about how to deal with my brother, and that my emotions over how I feel, and what I've experienced is a result of my not doing anything. Then proceeds to tell me how she fairs with her sister, giving me minute details of a surface of a life, and expects, or assumes in this case, that it is one in the same. The girl has no idea. Big eyed, and half brained.

It's one thing to have fully experienced what another has, and to say I've been there. Yet, at the same time, no one really ever takes away another's grief by saying, I've been there, and done that. It's unsympathetic, and entirely dismissive. If she's trying to be a friend, she needs to try a bit harder.

It's funny she's trying to add me on those random social websites. AS IF! DENY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try having an oppressive, 1 year younger brother, that your parents favor to no end - who turn their head when things are done, and then tell me you know what it feels like, biyatch.

Every now and then...

2008-09-09T13:59:00.001-07:00

It seems I become evermore aware of how mentally and physically abused I am....

.... at work.

Not often though, I get uber upset, I'll complain, etc, just to vent out all of this suppression of what has long been overdue. Yet, despite realizing the detrimental harm this profession, or this particular job, is causing I am still enduring.

People are often telling me to look for another job, yet having made a commitment, I feel more obligated to stay, especially for the retention bonus. Besides I don't mind the banging around if I can utilize it in my resume.

Saving, saving, and saving.

2008-08-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

With trying to save for the games in 2012, wanting to save for other things, credit card debt, and loans, there's much to juggle. It all can be done, had my salary been more than just slightly over the current tax bracket.

I have set an ambitious goal to save a set amount to my regular savings, a set amount to my Games account, and to payoff my debt/loans before the end of the year... I know there are people who are even less aware, and are not saving as religiously as I, but it seems I will have no more than $100 to play around with per month, and I don't even pay rent!! I need a job with a higher salary!!

UPDATE: London 2012

2008-08-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

London 2012, Jul 27 - Aug 12

Pound (£) to the Dollar ($) = 1.8175

Search Results:

One week in London

WWW.LONDONNIGHTS.COM
July 27, 2009 - Aug 2, 2009

** Latest Hotel Deals**
3 STARS - 4 STARS
£30-141/night (from orig cost of £400+)

Kensington Court Hotel :
£930/room (Quad)

Holiday Villa Hotel :
£800/room (Triple)

Holiday Villa Hotel :
£514/room (Twin)

Holiday Villa Hotel :
£1080/room (Family)

WWW.DISCOUNTHOTELS.COM
June 27 - July 2
**cannot book over 330 days in advance**

The Gresham Hotel (3)
£154./night

Hotel 87 (3)
£138./night

Orchard Hotel (3)
£158./night

St George Hotel (4)
£240./night

Belmont/Astoria Hotel (3)
£142./night

XML.CHEAPHOTELS.CO.UK

**only book until end of current year**

Generator Hostel London
£16.20/night

Ascot Hyde Park Hotel (2)
£85.60/night

Belmont Astoria Hotel (3)
£105./night

Hilton Dartford Hotel (4)
£115./night

WWW.HOSTELSEUROPE.COM

**Can search up to 2 years in advance**

Academy Hostel, Florence, Italy

GOOGLE

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=hostels%2C+europe

Hopefully everyone agrees on our accommodations, I'm sure I'll have a couple of girls who wouldn't do the hostel thing!! GAH!

London 2012...

2008-08-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

I loved Beijing, and regret not planning to go for this Olympics, being that it was SPECTACULAR, and it's a wonderful place to be... but here's to London in 2012!

Estimates go from 2-3K for a three week trip, to 5-6K. I had estimated spending to around $10K for hotel, flight, and all spending, including London/Olympics.

In basic terms:

$10K over 4-5 years
$2500/year until 2012, over a 4 year period
$210/month, but I'd round up to $300/month ~ $14,000.

So far, it's Von, Phuc, Robert, Lauren and myself for 2012.

The list of countries, include but are not limited to: Greece, Italy, France, Spain, Denmark, Germany, and of course, England, London, England at that.

I'm going regardless, so I'll plan for myself until 2010, and see where everyone else is in terms of going. I can do it, can they?

Another month come and gone.

2008-07-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

I used to have so much more random, free time to rest my mind, and recuperate. It hasn't been so for quite some time now. I'd even try to scrounge up my own free time to just sit around, so as not to overwhelm myself with all the constant work. Lately, I haven't seemed to be able to. Maybe it's a preoccupation with everything happening, or maybe it's just wanting to seem as if I'm constantly busy. I can't be quite sure which it really is.

I'll admit that the main reason for this post is not so much to relieve stress, but to point out a supposed obvious. I made a terrible mistake at work, because of the preoccupations, or what have yous... whatever the preoccupations were, whatever it was that I thought I was busy with caused me to make a mistake I'd inevitably been trying to avoid the first 12 months of my employment here. Being in the financial services doesn't help. I've been pulled aside a couple of times to discuss this mistake of mine, and the massiveness of it has been downplayed by those senior to me, as a mistake anyone could have made, and will possibly be made again, and again in the future, as though it was unavoidable with the checkoffs/signoffs that had been put off for other obligations, for all parties involved; however, even with the downplaying of sole responsibility for the mistake, it does not change the fact that having been a part of my new job description in the month's since Jessica's departure from the company, it was no one's mistake but my own. I can't help but think that the blame falls only on myself, no matter how much everyone claims that it is not.

I did learn a deal from it. I wasn't nearly as meticulous about my work as I normally would have been, going forward, however, will be a different story. Starting with last month's recon, and I will be dating ALL the way back to whenever it first went out. That's right!!

Out of Context

2008-06-24T20:05:00.001-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when people are in an extreme emotional state of mind, they take the message out of context?

A message might have been conveyed, as an FYI, or 'did you know?', but can be taken to mean something entirely different, and regurgitated to make the person seem brash and uneducated.

As an example, a statement could be made to express a dislike, or unfavorable characteristic of another person. A situation is presented to convey this characteristic, or dislike. Yet in speaking you realize that the person you are telling has a more intimate relationship with the person of which you are speaking, and is thus unable to picture why this characteristic, or dislike is unfavorable. This person takes this piece of knowledge to heart, and is unable to see it from anything but his own perspective. Of course, it is also at this moment, that you realize... you're not only speaking of another person, but this very person you are speaking to displays this very characteristic. (No wonder this person doesn't understand, wouldn't understand.

He takes this piece of information that you presented to him, in anger, and regurgitate what you did not say, not even once. This piece of information then becomes not just a piece of information, but an act, an act that is unfavorable. Yet at no time during the conversation did you suggest that it was an act that you were speaking of, but only the characteristic which was conveyed that is unfavorable, and utterly intolerable.

At this point, the only thing you can do is let it go. The other person is already angry, and any other explanations you give will only go in one ear, and out the other.

Tell me, how often has that happened?

Words. Not everyone understands them. Not everyone listens.

AND we live in America.

Words

2008-06-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the top floor of my office building, staring out the giant windows across the San Francisco bay during my supposed lunch break - at 2PM. About 15 feet away sat two women, one Caucasian, another Russian. Their training course was taking a 15 minute break, and most people had stepped out of the room to stare out into the abyss.

I paid little attention, or tried not to anyway, with a lukewarm, medium cup of coffee with a mix of soy milk. I was only 20 minutes into my break, but already I was starting to feel like I was sitting back at my own cubicle. The people chatted as though everyone up there was dying to talk, while I, on the other hand, had gone up to escape all the noise.

At first the two women didn't seem to be talking about anything in particular, anything worthy of being overheard. As they trailed into the conversation, one of the two, the Russian, exclaims, thoroughly proud, because you really could hear it in her voice, "I'm use to doing 10 things at once, now I just sit in my cubicle all day - bored." She trails off a bit, and the next thing I hear is, "People in my office complain when they have one problem, I'm use to juggling 10 problems at once, and I think 'man, that's nothing'." The woman seemed only to think that she's the one able to juggle ten things at once, and I presume, and I'd presume almost correctly, that her ten things is really just a mere four or five, but in exaggerating she used ten, because ten sounds good. Maybe she didn't think that there are various sorts of people of all caliber in the work world, some able to juggle a million things, and others barely able to handle one. Yet her tone of voice seemed to suggest that she thought she's the only one able to juggle more than one, because she use to be a real estate agent. As though being a real estate agent meant that she's that much more capable than say anyone else.

If she had been talking to me about being a real estate agent, I would have proposed that being a medical doctor, physician of sorts would require that much more attention to detail, and ability to handle madness. I mean, for all it's worth, our office/cubicle work is much more tamed. The chaos that people imagine, or think they can conjure up are all within scope, yet I truly believe that nothing is more tough than having to work all shifts to save the lives of people - not being able to predict the injuries that people suffer, to come into work not knowing what you'll face. At least office work has some guidelines, or a general pattern to follow, but with medicine - everything goes.

This wasn't the only topic they breached, somehow they had changed subjects and how the "universe gives them [the negative people] what they deserve". The Russian woman again exclaims with extreme pride that she reads a lot, if the other woman couldn't tell. And she repeats a bit of knowledge, and proceeds to explain why she didn't agree with the author's logic that people don't get to choose what is dealt them.

To that I say, the woman's choice of words did her no justice.

In all seriousness, when people have a negative view on life, their views are biased towards that, so instead of, as the Russian woman would say 'the universe gives them what they deserve', the people choose to pick out the negatives in life, instead of seeing the positive. Everything in life is about choices, whether they be how people react to situations, or how they deal with failure.

People can see failure in two ways:
(1) that they've failed and that they were stupid to have tried at all, or
(2) that they can alter the way they handle a situation, so that a better outcome results - something of a second chance

This works with everything in life, as the saying goes, "if life gives you lemons, make lemonade".

The woman might have thought about it and maybe meant to express it the way that I thought she didn't, and I'm not saying she's entirely closed-minded, but her choice of words did not convey that ultimate message.

Words matter.

Traffic jams and assertiveness

2008-06-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

I think there is a correlation between traffic jams and assertiveness, of course give or take the mindset of the people involved.

I was coming into work this morning on my usual carpool route. 10-15 minutes of waiting at the curbsite in front of a Longs Drug pharmacy, and 2 cars later, I jump into the front seat of a silver compact car. The driver, a woman, says, "Bad traffic on the bridge, there was an accident".

Most of the time you'd presume what's told to you to be true, I mean why would someoen consciously deceive you about something like that at 6 in the morning. Yet, I had a side thought, like "yeah, RIGHT.", but only in mind.

What was different about today was the large number of people waiting for carpool, never had I seen that many people wait when I get there so early in the morning. I didn't take much notice to it, other than that I wouldn't get in at the time I had hoped. The same was true of the traffic on the freeway. I had never seen so many cars at 6AM, let alone close to 7AM, yet there were plenty of cars. I thought it was strange, but brushed it off. We're cruising along, and as we approach the crazy maze, cars were sitting at a standstill.

And this is where the thought of assertiveness came into play this morning.

We're sitting on the left most lane on the freeway, the one lane that moved about 3 car lengths every two times that the lane next to us moved 5 car lengths. I'm sitting there, and I'm literally watching the cars zoom by me. Yet, it never occurred to the driver next to me that the lanes next to us were moving much faster. Maybe it was that she liked sitting in traffic, but the argument is that most people wait until the very last of minutes to go to work, to get that extra 5 minutes of sleep. I'd assume no different for a lot of people. Not only is this woman sitting in the same standstill traffic as I, but she would have to drop the two of us passengers off, before finally heading into work. Possibly much later than when I woudl get into office, especially since I work literally across the street from the passenger drop off.

The woman never moved. She sat in the traffic, listening to slow music that almost lulled me to sleep.

Maybe that's not a point by point paper on why traffic jams are correlated to assertiveness, because maybe the woman wanted to sit in the traffic, and didn't have to get into work until 10AM, and was really enjoying the traffic. Yet if that was not her mindset, then it could potentially suggest that she was not assertive enough to take charge and change lanes. It might also suggest that she was not bright enough to realize that the lane we were sitting in wasn't moving nearly as fast as any of the other lanes.

Whatever it was, it definitely had my antennas up.

So I learned something today...

2008-06-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's okay to be nice to some people, but then you approach every other person you encounter with that same demeanor, but they don't yield to that same courtesy, and YOU don't get the same results.

So what do you do?

You adjust.

You become more brash, and more demanding as a result of being denied. And with each following inquiry that receives that same rejection comes an equally demanding and assertive attempt, if not more so, to get what you didn't get in that first failed attempt. A reminder of how it had felt in that initial attempt.

Angered, and entirely NOT clear-headed.

----

You start to plot aggressively for the other party to become subservient, so much so that you start seething in the mouth. Only to calm a bit after listening to a good song or two. Of course, this wasn't the only thing making you seeth at the mouth, your superior has decided that she'd test the waters.

She sends you a message via an office messenger for you to see her at her desk.

It sounds important!

So even before you decide to go on lunch, you decide you'd head over after all your other mandatory tasks. You feared that it had something to do with your performance or something equally frightening...

...only you get over to her desk, and see several stacks of paper-clipped papers.

She pulls one. Flips the pages, and explains the scenario for which she will next task you. She tells you about the recent conversion, and what had been done.

Aha! You realize - it had nothing to do with you. It was about her, so, you agree. That's what good subordinates do. And that's what good managers do - delegate. Delegate all of their own tasks, so they can sit on their loins while you work for them, and THEY can sit and chit-chat in so-called "meetings" all day. That is how it works, isn't it??

You, too, flip the pages she has just handed you. You're relieved. It's only 4 pages. Four calls. Four different companies. How hard could it be?

----

Yet, you didn't realize that when you decided to fully commit yourself, that you pulled yourself into something that would make you even more angered.

----

You hang up with the last of the four companies.

Head over to let your superior know that you've accomplished the task, and declared the results of the task.

But wait! There's more...

She starts, "I wasn't able to...", and you knew it. She pulls a second stack of papers, and hands them to you. It's 12:55PM now. You figure another stack couldn't hold you too much longer, so again you approach this stack as you had the first. You bring the papers back to her, and you're fairly confident you'd head to lunch soon.

Ah.. you underestimated her, again.

She pulls yet another stack, and uses the same line, "Seems, these weren't on there either... could you...". This time you're thinking you're an idiot to not have said no. What could she have done?? Nothing. Because although she is your superior, she cannot demand your time, when you, too, have your own daily tasks.

Why, then, did you agree?

The only way to learn more is to take more.

What was surprising was that you didn't realize all the while that she would give you just one more stack, each time you returned, using the same line. You're almost convinced she intended to give you all 4 stacks, but to make the task seem lighter, she had given them to you one at a time, for a good hour and a half. When you finally had a breather it was 2:30PM. What's the point of going to lunch then?

So if you don't eat, people pretend to care that you didn't eat, but do they really? Did SHE care that you didn't eat much all day? Not particularly, and MAYBE the only reason she cared at all was not so much that you didn't eat, but that since you started working there you had been consistently losing weight, looking more and more lean, while she had been putting on more, and more, AND more weight. She only cared enough because next to you, she looked less healthy.

It's the crab in a bucket theory. You step too far ahead, and the other crabs grab at you, until you're in line with the others. Brilliant, no?

It started with a day off...

2008-05-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Shortly after dinner Thursday evening, I drove my sputtering car to Sacramento after work. As soon as I was in the vicinity, I was made aware of the circling helicopter, and the blaring lights coming from the police car blockade of the very street I needed to drive into. Forewarned that there was an armed suspect, I circled the block, ultimately parking two houses from the blockade.

Twenty minutes later, we were on our way to a hookah bar in downtown Sacramento to meet up with Phuc and I was invited to hang out with the gang at Dream Ultralounge/Avalon nightclub the following night.

Friday was a whirlwind of a day, consisting entirely of shopping, and taking my car into the shop near the state capitol.

5PM and $850 dollars later - 90K service, check.

Service included replacing the timing belt & 2 others, air filter, oil, oil filter, brake check, tire rotation, topping off of fluids, and the list goes on. I couldn't tell, after driving for 5 minutes on the freeway, whether the sounds my car was making were ordinary. I can say that after driving the distance back home, the car no longer feels as though it is dragging when I hit the pedal to speed up, and it no longer jolts when starting the ignition, which is all around good news. It was worrisome.

9:30PM rolled around, and dressed in a shirt as a dress with charcoal gray stockings, I was out of the door and we were on our way downtown. I invited Lauren and Diana to accompany us, mostly because I did not want to be the only girl in the group. Turns out, Canary tagged along after Robert spotted the couple (Hung and Canary) walking back from Safeway on their way into their apartment.

Assembling the group took an hour at the least, and totaled 2 cars holding 10 people. Not including Lauren and Diana, or the 5-8 other people who arrived on their own. Cover prices at both places were about $20 dollars, and in both cases, we were able to go free of charge, because RODNEY (the promoter) hooked it up!!

Night was fun, including some friendly flirting between various people, including and not limited to Phuc, my boyfriend's friend.

Let's not forget the big puff of mj.

I had fun.

A change of plans.

2008-05-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

After much deliberation, I've made almost a 360º decision to relocate with the company to Austin, Texas.

I'm flying out to Austin in two weeks to check the area out - I'm taking along with me precious cargo: my younger brother, and my significant other.

Schwab Relocation Plan - Q2

2008-05-01T09:35:00.001-07:00

Schwab to relocate as early as June/July of 2007.

It's been in the works since late last year, rumors about the "other" Trust in Phoenix, and whilest Phoenix will be the primary location for CSTC, Austin Texas was also rumored to be the mirroring Trust, mainly because the acquisition of the 401(k) Company in Q1-Q2 of 2007 had left us with a half transitioned merge between the two companies.

It's all a part of the grand Corporate Relocation Strategy for the prospects/future of Schwab, and it's been rumored that Chuck Schwab will retire one final time in 2010, the same time that this relocation strategy is to be fully completed. Coincidence? Maybe.

So the big question is: Do I stay or do I go?

What would I be missing out on if I stayed, if I went? Would I maintain a healthy social lifestyle, outside of work? Am I being compensated enough to relocate for a number of years? Would it be too long, too short? With increased inflation, and housing prices dropping, as well as feds cutting rates, a San Francisco salary in Phoenix would be decent, but would I be equally compensated in the following years after I've moved?

If I took severance, I'm entitled to at least 2 months formal notice(
the pink slip), and the severance of at least 22 business days or more depending on salary. I have 66 business days, on top of the 2 months, giving me a whooping 5 months of paid leave, not including my vacation time. If I'm lucrative/highly demanded enough I would think 5 months is enough to find another secured position, and I'll have gotten so use to getting up at 6AM that I'll probably start looking as soon as I can, and still receive the full benefits.

Another thing to consider would be the company environment/philosophy/philanthropy/mission statement, and how they really behave in the industry, etc. It was a big reason I became so in love with Schwab that I worked my a** off to get in. Would any other companies give me that sort of warmth, and would I still wake up every morning and love being at work?

Sadly I won't know until I've been there, and I'm going to choose especially wisely now that I've been, in a sense, pampered and spoiled by a good company. I do know one thing, I'd love to be able to come back in a couple of years with more experience to this company.

So farewell to Schwab at least for a little while.

The boyfriend on weekends.

2008-04-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

I'm annoyed, angry, irritated by my boyfriend. Constantly. As long as I see him, I can go from happy-go-lucky, to down-in-the-dumps within a matter of minutes.

Lately it's things like how he likes to point, and gesture with his hands, excessively, in place of using words, as though whilest he's driving, I'm staring at his hand movements, or when I point out things like his bad driving, he'll suggest that he overlooks my flaws, as though that should be reason enough for me to not be irritated by it, or that by pointing out my flaws, it negates his.

To all that, I say, it means nothing, because my irritation is still there. If for any reason he is not bothered by my shortcomings, then great! but that does not mean I'm not still bothered by his. It's quite possible that his annoyances with me aren't quite as repetitive as his... we're not talking about my one bad driving experience, with his driving habits, and my annoyances with a couple of people, when they happen, not his constants...!

It feels like I'm arguing with someone who just doesn't get it. And maybe I should just overlook it, but if I'm annoyed by it THIS much, then maybe it's not worth it.

It

2008-03-28T07:33:00.000-07:00

I started reading it a little over a week ago, and since then I have not given myself much time to put it down. Outside of work, and sleep..., only on the bus ride home, or during dinner (great family values, right?).

I started to see a very different me, through that book, the "me" that I always knew existed, but was in one way or form put second to an accustomed mannerism.

Growing up with parents who had deeply integrated mindsets of how things should be, and how my life should follow the same path which they walked was frequent, common, and typical. Yet, from reading it, I realize that their mindset, as a result, affected, and influenced how I view, and deal with others, often not to anyone's advantage.

In recent events, mostly as a result of the readings, I'm ever more aware of my faults and misconceptions, and how my life to this point has negatively affected my formerly rosy view of everyone and everything. I've become, like my significant other claims, too involved in other peoples' lives, whether it was my business to know or to think, and I treat others' negatively as a result of those views.

The most difficult obstacle is mentally battling those conceptions and following a certain path of reaction(s). In my minds' eye, I see the multitude of options, and the challenging part is weighing the pros and cons of each reaction/action. Of course, the difficulty lies not in seeing, because that's already embedded in me, but in the decision I often make to follow the negative reaction path, and being aware of the ensuing consequences.

My challenge will be to see the options, and be able to make the decision for what is beneficial in the long term.

Happy (unofficial) St. Patrick's Day.

2008-03-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

So by now, we all know, or should have been informed that St. Patrick's Day was officially moved to March 15 (in Ireland, at least), sanctioned by the Pope, because it conflicted with the beginning of Holy Week.

Anyway, on to more personal items.

So today was a glimpse at what a workday would look like, if two of my coworkers decided to be out for the day. I have one on vacation, and another out sick, and yet another to be out in two days for a week. Funny thing is I'm the primary backup for most of their functions while they're out... thrilling to know that I'm so highly valuable now, though obviously replaceable, considering they did the same to a friend of mine.

Just one more year!

Highly unstressed

2008-03-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

If that doesn't sound sarcastic, I don't know what does. I went into hiatus after a semi-hectic year end, and year beginning, and did not get back into the normal groove of things until relatively recently.

Of course, if you know me, you'd know nothing's really normal.

Since my birthday in December, I have not seen my friend/exboyfriend at all. Sometime early last week, he sends me a text message, and asks me to lunch with he and his roommate. It was a good time, and since I had not seen the guy in over 3 months, I thought I'd stick around a little before doing the disappearing act, invited the guy to go running with me, and he in turn invited me to the Warriors game both Friday, and Sunday. I declined the Friday offer, and went to the game on Sunday. I had a good time, and there was no anxiety or romantic interest on either of our parts. It was good to hang out with someone who's good looking, and being able to merely be friends, etc. Of course, the rest of the world, excluding my friend and I, don't see it that way. It's automatically deemed wrong, and people start to question everyone else, "And the boyfriend's OK with this?", etc. Yet, despite all the negativity, the more that people object, the more I'm holding onto the one thing that people continually make the topic of conversation.

I won't lie, I had a lot of feelings for my friend when we dated, and with the sequence of events, everything was polarized, and he became an invaluable friend to me, for all his experiences with me, his insight and his frank and forthright attitude about everything. He's not afraid to set me straight, or to tell me I'm the one to have screwed something up, contrary to the dealings with other friends either too caught up in the positives in life, and how everything is fine and dandy if I can look to the other side of the fence. The sad truth is.. I want friends who are able to sit on this side of the fence with me, and be entirely blunt about the dump that I'm in, instead of always hoping I'd eventually get to the other side. As sad, and as self-deprecating as it sounds, I need it to be sane. And I only really have two friends who are able to do that, without much bias. With that, I'm not interested in partisanship, or how ones' opinions affect the sort of advice they give, and how they give it... I'm interested in cold, hard facts, seeing it entirely as an outsider, and that's entirely my two friends, JH and WF.

We commonly accept that there are deeply ingrained morals affected by societal "norms", which is why homosexuals have such a hard time getting rights. It's not because they're any different than any other person walking down the street, but having everything polarized and then to have courts argue whether it's right or wrong to legalize gay marriages, creates the idea that it's potentially "wrong". Yet, despite what is and is not right, I choose to go against what society deems as correct and incorrect. People often ask, why we're still friends, despite all the hardships I had been through, and often question whether it's an entirely platonic relationship. To that, I'd exclaim with a resounding "YES!", but I find myself having to defend the friendship from the mere fact that it is not the norm. And the funniest thing is, that's the very foundation of my wanting to keep the friendship alive, and thriving, not necessarily to prove a point, but because it is different, and almost unacceptable.

So anyway... here's to hoping I don't lose contact with him. And here's to hoping my boyfriend will eventually be okay with it.

Cataracs - Baby, Baby

2008-03-04T21:12:00.001-08:00

Had my annual performance review today, the last hour of the my work day, for the 6 months of 2007. Was a really good review, despite the numbers associated for such a review. Manager acknowledged that she sees the effort I put into the work that I do, acknowledges that I ask a lot of good questions, am ambitious, am confident in myself, confident enough to ask questions when not knowing, am someone who has picked up a lot in the short amount of time with the company, am someone who analyzes everything/goes beyond just what is told, am someone who takes on a lot, who despite a large amount of work can work under stress, and am someone who sees the bigger picture, and goes beyond just the day to day, am forthright in trying to create better ways to do things.

Goals she sees for 2008, besides the standard set ones: better communication, making connections/relationships with more people, making more suggestions/implementing possibly better processes, taking on more and more responsibility

On route for potential promotion in 2008. Here's to hoping this stays the course!

Yes to a all around good review, despite the numbers associated.

Feb 24

2008-02-24T18:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a little over a month, and I have no legitimate excuse for why I failed to blog even a sentence in the past 4 weeks, but to say that I've never had this much fun in my life.

Since my last entry, I've gone on two separate snow trips, with two different small groups of people, went on a weekend trip to Las Vegas, for the first time since 2-3 years ago, taken up an increasing amount of responsibilities at work, due to Susan's decision to leave Schwab, just all in all a very good time.

With all the madness at work and at home, the last couple of months, I found very little time actually being able to read a good novel. I have a row of some thirty odd books, all purchased with the intent of being read at some point in my life, and sadly, have not had a chance to lift a single page of any of the novels. Along with that is my juggling a full time boyfriend, who lives about two hours away... constant chatting, and feeling in a sense obligated to entertain and to keep entertained should he fall out of intrigue with me. Though it's been said (contrary to my beliefs) that it would be hard to become bored with someone so full of energy, mystery, spontaneity, randomness, and overall "spunk".

Thankfully after so many months, my SO has become increasingly caring, and more willing to drive to see me, every week, of course to the dismay of his mother. Least to say, he never visited home much, or often, so knowing that he comes to see me as much as he does... makes it extremely hard for a mother. I understand.

A couple more things to glaze over, the spring season and lastly being physically and financially fit.

So with spring just around the corner, there's an increasing desire to be more fit than I had been in a bikini last year. Of course with all my weight lifting and jogging last year, I'm in much better shape than I had been a year ago, today; however, despite that, I'm in worse shape than I had been at the beginning of November, before the holiday season. I just started going back to the gym, on Friday, and made occasional trips to the gym once or twice every two weeks or so. Not frequent enough for my abs to take shape, or to lose any amount of weight. Last June, I had found myself in a car accident, and ended up opting for a personal trainer, because my chiropractor told me I shouldn't run anymore. I got into relatively good shape, with a slight definition in the abdominal area, since then I've gained around the midsection, and my waist seems to have gotten a bit wider than my hips, so I almost look pear shaped, or something like it. Hopefully the weather doesn't get too cold, and I'll be okay with all the excercising back at the gym.

So to brush on this next subject, since I started working in a financial firm, I've become more aware of my future, forty to fifty years down the line. Though I'm probably not as informed as I'd like to be, I've become aware of a lot of aspects of the business. I've taken a more active role in my retirement planning, checking on how my investments are doing, etc. Of course the egg is still harvesting, and is decent sized for how old I am, I'd like it to be much, much larger. So a couple of days ago, I increased my contributions to about 26%, with 20 going into a roth, and 6 going into a regular... I think I'd like to reach 35% to max out the limit... but I think I'm going to hold off a bit until my raise comes in another month. Hopefully it'll be enough of an increase for the contribution to not seem to take a toll on my supposed "spending" habit. Though I think I save much, much more than most people... it just seems that with all that I am able to purchase.. I could potentially be saving a LOT more... but what of life, and happiness... if I'm constantly hoarding, there'd be no $$ left to make myself enjoy what is life! So hopefully the raise will be a sizable one, though from what I've heard, the raises are so small, that around the time that people find out about their raises... or reviews, most people leave the company in search of better financial possibilities. I'm hoping that won't be the case for me.

With much of the responsibilities that I will be taking over come Monday morning, I'd hope that my superiors, team lead, manager, director will see what a big role I will be taking this coming year. If they want to lose yet another employee, then they can go ahead with the small increases. Those stingy scrooges, and they talk about OneSchwab, and Schwab values... I'd think employee retention and low turnarounds would be a high priority...

Here's to almost a year in the job!

2008-01-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

March 19 and May 30 mark the 1 year anniversary of Jennifer and my, respectively, hire date into the business/working world. We plan to celebrate/commemorate the day by having dinner on a date in between the two, on April 26th... the day of my twin friends' birthday! Celebrating ON their birthday, and congratulating my roommate for a year completed! Kidding.

Anyway, with the celebrations of our one years coming soon, comes news of my coworker Susan's job offer at Citco. She apparently was offered a position sometime yesterday afternoon, shortly after her interview earlier that day. She'll be in the area of fund accounting, with a base salary of 50k + overtime + bonus + 401(k) match of up to 4% annual base salary - vision plan. All sounds super better than what she is currently making at our establishment.

The irony of this news is that I was so unhappy yesterday with our relationship, and her boyfriend's relation with my own, and was so disengaged from it that I had taken it out on my significant other. I had disposed all my negative feelings, and went as far as to want to sever all ties to him, solely because of a disagreement out of his scope of control. Today, after I finally engaged in some civil conversations, she finally relents and tells me about the job offer, and her intent on accepting the offer. Ill-will, or not, I feel that despite all the negativity, I'd rather work with her than not, because the burdens she carries, or in a couple of months, carried, will fall on the rest of our already short-staffed team, and that means mine. I'm not sure exactly how much burden she carries, but I am sure it is quite a load, considering she is able to support so many various people when others do call in sick. The only way to do it is to take it all one day at a time, and start to acquire other tasks, and ask to shadow to learn as much as I can before she leaves, so that I would not be burdened when she is finally gone.

The good thing is that she'll always be my friend, and will probably continue to be until we marry, considering our significant others seem to have taken a particular liking to each other. We'll probably still try to hang out, and with that said, our first real trip together happens this Saturday, up to the snow, for a one-day trip to Northstar at Tahoe. Just so happens that it's Burton Demo day, so people can demo new boards and such for free, and even get free lessons on how to ride. Best news: there's been about 4 feet of snow in the last 7 days, and it's been raining on and off all week, so new powder when we go, so our behinds won't ache as much when we do happen to fall flat on them.

Annoyed and bitter

2008-01-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

In the past 6-7 hours at work, I have been in a semi-dreary mood. I haven't talked to anyone really, only when I had to, and responded to emails in the same plain manner. I suppose the most irritating emails I received were from a co-worker's significant other, who is entirely tactless. I am irritable, but nonetheless, I find that the couple has gotten more and more on my bad side. It started with these comments about being "spontaneous", then getting credit/receiving acknowledgment for bright ideas, not their own. Sounds a little like I let people walk over me, huh? Well quite the contrary, it's more that people take my suggestions, and call it their own, the bright side is, I know the truth, and I know that if they were to suggest something equally random, it would be next to impossible!

This car rental business is fun, though!

Update on the Primaries

2008-01-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

So it seems in the past month or so, since the primaries started, the race has become especially heated, pitting senators against senators, and in recent news, pitting family dynasties against each other, with Senator Edward Kennedy and his niece, Caroline Kennedy, endorsing Senator Obama, of Illinois, while the Townsends, children of Ethel Kennedy, apparently have voiced their support of Senator Clinton, of New York. Not only has there been an onslaught of senators officially endorsing a presidential candidate, but there has been a reference to racial politics, with references to Jesse Jackson's candidacy some years ago. And with the Kennedy's public support, it seems something like a bad thing for the Clinton camp. Super Duper Tuesday comes next week, so here's to the best presidential hopeful!

New Hampshire Primaries 2008

2008-01-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

The funny thing about this whole primary process is... I didn't use to care. Something changed though, maybe it was the political science major my last two and a half years at Davis, or maybe it was something else. I started to pick up more presidential novels, bought political propaganda type magazines, and read mostly, if not entirely, politic-related news. Maybe it was just feeling as though having majored in the area, I should just want to be around it all the time. I had even seriously considered law school, for lack of independent thinking. It just seemed like the course to take. To note, I had worked as an election poll worker my last year in high school, and had been emotionally taken aback by how naive I had been about the work-world. At the time, however, whatever my parents endorsed was something I seriously considered. I had even campaigned a bit my last year at Davis for the Davis Democratic group, for a measure that I had known nothing about prior to the campaigning. All that aside, it feels good being more knowledgeable in an area that some are only mildly aware of, because of the media.

Of course, with picking up For Love of Politics, the novel about the Clintons while Bill Clinton was in presidency, I had taken the opposing view of what seemed to be a negative aspect of the Clinton administration. Maybe the novel was meant to be a truly realistic look at how the Clintons governed, but it seemed evermore negative, and made me feel as Hilary felt. Or maybe it was a strategy, to have the book out when it really mattered, when Hilary Clinton would consider running for the presidency. With all that aside though, it seems, this presidential election should be especially exciting, considering that we not only have a woman running, but a black man, as well. Both democrats, so I feel it should be an especially groundbreaking election, this year, no matter the winner. Though, I must say I am still rooting for a Clinton, mostly because despite not having the actual experience, she has seen what it's like in the presidency, so I feel she would be better prepared for it. And it's not to say, she couldn't always use Bill as a reference, which she really could! So it'll be an interesting run.

In either case, I hope they end up on the same ticket, no matter the role.

The 1st Meeting

2007-12-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

I was heading out the door around 3PM, Saturday December 22nd. It's the day after my brother's graduation (coincidentally my best friend/3rd cousin Angela, and my boyfriend's graduation, as well), and I had a relatively quiet evening at home.

Andrew's graduation was fairly low-key. It's a winter graduation, nonetheless, and though I never really knew SJSU to be a college campus to be known in the area of Health Sciences, it seems he was in good hands, all along. I met with his dean (also, a professor in several of his courses), who had mentored him throughout most of his stay at the college. She had nothing but good things to say about him, and it seems he is on a clear path to success, after much soul-searching, he's found his calling. In Dean Roe's words, "I mean, who wants to hang out with a middle-aged woman?"

And so the night ended with a 10 course meal at Mayflower Seafood Restaurant in Milpitas, with about 20 guests, half - family, and half - his friends. The bill total: 762, exactly. One expensive, expensive meal, that my mother deemed entirely worth the $$.

Saturday morning, I ran around and did a little bit of Christmas shopping, but I've never been especially good at shopping for gifts, mostly because I can never decided on anything unique to give to people, and usually end up with a generic giftcard, for fear of getting people things they neither want, or need, but are too afraid to say otherwise. I think I've played safe for the most part. I think next year, I'll go a bit farther out on the extremes...! I was heading back to Sephora, and I was in the parking lot, when I realized it was already 3:30PM! I wasn't exactly sure what time diner would be, but! considering it was the weekend before Christmas, I assumed all sorts of madness trying to go home for the holidays. So instead of parking, went back out the front, and paid $0. parking, and got on the freeway. Let me say, thank goodness I left when I did, because I was in traffic for a good 2-3 hours, mostly stop and go traffic. I made it into Sacramento with enough time to stop in at the malls, and headed out to Florin to meet my boyfriend. He, of course, was neither dressed or near ready to leave the house.

10 minutes later, he was driving my car down a long stretch of dark road. And several minutes after that, we were there. I wasn't meeting the family at home, in Stockton. I was meeting them in Sacramento at a restaurant pre-determined. It wasn't until we were walking towards the restaurant that I voiced my fear, "is this a surprise dinner? And they don't know they're meeting me?" To this his only response was, "I didn't tell them specifically, but I think they know." I had left my greeting gifts in the car, especially since my first meeting would be at a restaurant, but as the time came, my dearest walked out with my keys, only to return some seconds later, "Hey Angela, could you come out for a second?". In the back of my mind, I realized that I would greeting his parents in the cold, yet I still had a lightness of heart. Sure enough, as I turned to face him, I see his parents standing by the door, as though they were about to walk into the restaurant. I had been fooled to think that they looked as old as my own parents, having married at a much later time than most other couples, my mom was 30.

His parents looked a bit younger. His dad's hands- rough from work, with slits of black having settled between the cracks of his toughened hands. His mom adorned a festive white-pastel colored jacket over an equally festive shirt, topped with a very short, lace-like scarf (if you can even call it that). I had imagined a couple much like my parents, and semi-mirroring my boyfriend's own physique, something that would suggest "I'm their child", but this was not the case, at all. They were much smaller in frame, in contrast to his 6'1, medium build figure.

Dinner went well, with occasional silences, where my dearest failed to fill in the gaps, instead focusing all, or most of his attention to the Chinese version of Dancing with the Stars. So his parents would quiz me on various interests of mine, and were bold enough to immediately ask, upon his brief leave of absence from the dining table, his dad jumped on the opportunity to ask how we had met. I told them the gist of how we met, leaving out the details of our 6 odd month courting, and they seemed satisfied with how coincidentally we had met, and how lucky we were to have found something that stuck. All of this was said just as he returned to the table.

Throughout the night, surprisingly, I spoke with relative ease in somewhat fluent Cantonese, and all the more surprising is how my fluent-ness contradicts one of his earliest statements, in which he coupled with extreme laughter, "Your cantonese is worse than mine". This, at the time, was especially disconcerting, considering I had spent a good part of my teen years studying Cantonese, and graduated my junior year in High School from what the Chinese would consider elementary school.

The night ended well, we presumed, his mom while saying goodbye exclaimed the usual it was good to meet you, and both re-iterated that I should go to visit them in Stockton, but most notable was his mom's open embrace, something that no one expected, me, least of all.

Hopefully the food bodes well with them, and I'm in the clearing, at least for now.

Christmas Eve 2007

2007-12-24T11:36:00.000-08:00

This is my first Christmas Eve after college... and it's different, to say the least. I no longer have the week to two weeks of entire freedom, mostly because the business world, especially in Finances tends to play outside of that ballpark. The world still turns, and as long as the (stock) markets, or the Federal Reserve (banks) is open, our company is open.

So this explains why I am writing to you from my office cubicle on the 6th floor of my company building at 215 Fremont St.

It's almost like the day after Thanksgiving, I was here super early (as usual), and was practically the last to leave, or if hours were counted, it was as though I worked a full day. The break, I suppose, was from all the people usually running around, chit-chatting to the point where there was little silence. Today, given that most people will leave in the next hour, I could potentially hear a pin drop, if I concentrated hard enough.

I have one more person to really shop for, and though it should also be the easiest, I am having a relatively tough time doing it. My father! I think I'm going to play it safe, and get him a couple of pairs of wool socks, because, first off, he doesn't own too many pairs, and second, he use to always complain of his socks NOT being thick enough. And I love wool socks, especially the ones from GAP, because they have the warmth coupled with comfort. So I may just opt for wool socks from GAP. Yes, that's what I am going to get. Perfect!

the perfect beginning to another year of life.

2007-12-09T17:23:00.001-08:00

My 24th year of life official starts tomorrow, and I celebrated it early, yesterday evening, well into the early dawns of today.

For one reason or another, I had been looking forward to my birthday for most of the previous week. I was especially ecstatic that I would be reunited with my significant other, it had been one long week at work and to be rewarded with the attention of the one person who has become a large part of my life was the perfect ending, or beginning, to another week of intense week at work.

To be completely honest, I had even gotten up in the morning, started it with a coffee date with my best friend/ex roommate, and though it was only hours away from the official celebration, my emotions were relatively normal; on the outside, it was just another day, but on the inside, I was bouncing all over the place. To sidetrack, a little, I go through most of my life with relatively tame acts of celebration, in the past couple of months, rarely had I followed the masses, and lately I've become especially tame, and reclusive. To sum it all up in one word, it was the beginning of a relatively tame night, but just the beginning of what would be the breakdown of my bottled up frustration, and silence.

Around 4:30PM, my love arrived. The bottom of his jeans still wet from sitting on the porch for some minutes before I was able to amble out to greet him, he shyly handed me a bouquet of mixed flowers: carnations of various shades of red, and daisies of a bright orange, crisp clean white, and rich purples, and sat at the edge of my bed watching as I rearranged my pot of flowers. This was in perfect timing, because the lilie buds had just about all opened, with an exception of one which still had another couple of days. I cut the stems under water, cleaned out the flower pot, and refilled about half way up, and added a couple of teaspoons of sugar for flower food. At which point, I finished up with my almost daily hair routine.

***

Let's take a minute to describe my hair, which now takes about half an hour to dry and style to "perfection". Growing up, I had never been one to fuss over how I looked, or even remotely cared how people viewed me, it didn't matter as long as I was able to get my shat done. Sometime in college, all of that changed for me. I started to want to go shopping, I had something of a shopping addiction, beyond my own belief, and I acquired just about anything I felt like I wanted. It didn't matter then whether I really needed it, or if I was planning to wear the item more than once. I acquired quite a debt because of it, and am still currently paying the price of my bad habit. It may have been a result of not having been able to, and not particularly wanting to acquire anything, and so when it was time to do an entire change of wardrobe, it was a closet change, as well.

So with all those changes, the one thing that I have taken with me is having a regular hair appointment with a salon stylist every month and a half for maintenance, mostly, and in the last couple of months, color changes. I've done all sorts of randoms to my hair, and have finally settled back on my stacked/shaved bob from many, many, many months ago, before the whole pob thing with Posh's bob. It was fashion-forward to an extreme, almost like predicting what would be in, before it was even in. In any case, in high school and much of my college career the only thing that I bothered to spend a little extra $$ on was shampoo and conditioner, I really had no idea what this business was with flat irons, curlers, hair lotions, hair waxes, and the like was all about... but since then I have started to invest in these items, mostly because upkeep was key to maintaining good looking hair. I mean why bother going to a hairstylist once a month or so, and not try to keep it that way all the other days of the week in between those visits, right?

***

Anyway, let's get back on track, my SO sat on the bed, and browsed through magazines, while I primped for some half an hour. I had not worn contacts in some weeks, and I had the whole make-up business to also complete before I headed out, that was on top of actually putting on clothes. I had been prepping for my actual night out, in terms of how to do my make-up, and as such, had been practicing the type of make up I would wear the night I went out, and this included lining my eyes, various methods to apply the colors of eye shadows I would use.. this took about another 15-20 minutes, while putting on the actual clothes took about 5 minutes, I had already decided the previous night... of course, that meant ransacking my entire closet to find the perfect top to go with the perfect bottom. I ended up looking a bit stick-thin in the end because of the attire I chose, mostly because it was a 3/4 sleeve sweater over a form-fitting tee, paired with black, knee-length tights, and a pair of black, suede, knee-high boots.

I thought I looked presentable.

Before heading out, DEEEnise phoned to borrow a flat-iron, and arrived just as SO and I were about to leave. I carried with me my business bag, stuffed with make-up, a pair of black patent peep toe heels, a gray tuxedo tank top from Express, and a pair of old, old jeans for the after-dinner event. We made a quick stop at the ATM, and proceeded to our final destination, Elephant Bar, in the adjacent city. After exiting the freeway, I noticed that my radio had stopped responding to the key buttons on the dash, but brushed it off, and assumed that when I took the keys out of the ignition all would be fine. Wrong!

When we finally parked on the top floor of the parking structure, I pulled my keys out, and after a good, couple of seconds, I realized that my radio was still turned on, as though the keys were still in the ignition, the only thing was, the keys were in my hands. I proceeded to insert the keys back into the ignition, and removed them again, just to see if this would help... it didn't. I almost started to panic, but my SO was well-versed in fixing things, in general, and took charge without my help. He finally decided to unplug the battery... but we didn't have a wrench to un-do the screw. I phoned a friend, and he would come to my rescue, only, it took much longer than I was patient enough to wait. Finally, a Asian/American couple walked by, stared a bit, and walked over to ask if we needed a jump, since we had the hood propped up. We corrected her, and told her we needed a wrench to unplug the battery, in hopes of fixing whatever it was that went wrong with the radio. They go and retrieve the wrench, and it was fixed in a matter of minutes. (My car is still requesting a CODE to unlock the radio.) Though I never reached a state of panic, without my SO I may have freaked out.

Nice way to start the beginning of my 24th celebratory evening, wouldn't you say?

We finally get to Elephant Bar around 6PM, when we were suppose to rendezvous at 5:30, and only 3 of my guests had arrived. We had bumped into Jennifer on the way over to our parking spot, but everyone else had called, or messaged to inform me of their tardiness.

My list of attendees for dinner, included:
myself, of course,
my SO, Robert,
my sibling,
my cousin,
my cousin-in-law, DEEnise,
my exroommates, Jennifer, Erica, Lauren,
my high school friends of sorts, Henry, Gregory, Estella,
my pledge "brother", Dorothea, and her mate, Christopher,
my co-worker, Susan, and her mate, Kenneth,
and my college friends of friends, Cynthia, and Don

Before we were even seated, my SO and Susan's mate ambled off to the bar to get a glass of something to drink, my family had gone to the bar earlier on, and were taking shots without me.

By 7PM, we were seated.

I had decided on the fresh fish of the day: Salmon with a macadamia nut seasoning, while the food was being prepared, most of my groups of friends had met, save for Kenneth and Susan, and everyone was especially friendly, so everyone was well-entertained for the evening. Food arrived, and we were finished by around 8:10P, except for the delicious coffee cake bought by the roommates. DELICIOUS! Thanks, ED!

Shot count:
jager bomb
vodka
many sips of other peoples fruity mixed drinks

***

Since we still had a lot of time to kill afterwards, Susan and I drove over to Erica's place to prep for the rest of the evening. Lauren and Erica were already home, and we were waiting on Cynthia and Sophia, back in Berkeley. Cynthia calls and inquires about medication possibly dropping into the bag that she gave me, only after checking, she calls me and it was in the last possible place she would have checked, a plastic bag she never uses. By this time, it was getting close to 10PM.

(The guest list at the bar closed at 11PM. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I had been in constant correspondence with one of the guys at the bar to organize and reserve a table for the evening. I reserved one table, which seats about 6-7 people, anticipating no more than about 10 people to make an appearance; however, in the last couple of days prior to yesterday, more and more people had expressed interest in attending. Last minute calls, and inquiries, and I had a list a little over 40, 10 of which were friends of a friend's mate's friend, and 3 of whom I had briefly met.)

We finally leave the house around 9:55PM, and exited Fremont in San Francisco around half an hour later, we parked a couple of blocks from the bar. We arrived, and there was a line. Oddly, we step into the line, and lo and behold, my high school friends/acquaintances were there. They were in line, and apparently were not on the guest list. My sibling had recognized a lot of these people, and had randomly promised that he'd be able to get a lot of them in free... most likely. The funny thing is, usually bouncers are less likely to accommodate male individuals. I get to the front of the line, and while the bouncer is checking my ID, he asks if I'm the one who had the table reservation, and when I confirmed, he tells the list guy that I was THE ------ ----- with the reservation, and said I had a table set up. While this guy is checking me off the list, I tell the bouncer that I was unable to get a lot of my friends onto the list in time, and inquired about whether he'd be able to get them in as a favor to me. Guy says he'll try to see what he can do, and then someone from within calls out the approval, and some 10-15 people entered without a fee, and the "Happy Birthday, ------", or a "Thanks, ------". I had "flirted" with a bouncer, for the first time, neither begging or pleading, simply with a "I'm celebrating my 24th", and an arm around the bouncers waist... how powerful it is to be a woman who knows her capabilities, sadly, that was entirely blind, and un-rehearsed, and I am not versed in the art of flirtation/coercion. Thankfully, bouncer, was in an especially friendly mood, and let everyone in.

My sibling had attempted, but ended up with an empty promise, I pulled through, and this will be an accomplishment that will mark the beginning of a wonderful 24th year.

The VIP area was nice, with only 3 tables near the entrance, by the main bar. Most of my friends were at the table for a short period of time, just at the beginning of the night. By the end of the night, I had had a total of some 8-9 shots of various vodkas at the bar.

absolut, Kenneth
151, Will
patron, Corinna's friend's fuck buddy
vodka, Susan
champagne, ME

Well, I have a very vague memory of who got what for me.

my brother
my cousin
my cousin in law
Daniel
Robert
Thomas
Andrew M
Will
Corinna (+4)
Susan
Kenneth
Dorothea
Christopher
Sophia
Cynthia
Lauren
Erica

and of course, the mass of Esther's friend who I got in for FREEEEEEE!

I had invited my ex-boyfriend to join in on my celebration, and while it was with good intent, the outcome was far from bizarre. He randomly divulged various happenings of our year in dating to a roommate, who had heard it all already, made exclamations like "So... THAT's Robert", inquired about my personal life from those closest to me, my sibling and my cousin, and had even attempted to be in SO's words "buddy-buddy" with him. My exroomie theorized that this may be the cause of my ex's attempt to continue to be a part of my life, fearing that if the current boyfriend is disapproving of our friendship, I may decide to cast him aside. My pledge brother, though, has a different theory, she believes that with all the drunk, phone calls, this may actually be an attempt to get back into my life, by being a part of it as much as he can. To be honest, I'm not sure which I really believe, but in either case, neither is good. I wholeheartedly believe the saying "ex's are ex's for a reason".

By the end of the night, we had one puking, my dearest ED, in the bathroom downstairs, and while we waited for her to come out, the group of us ended up downstairs waiting. Some flirtation/friendliness on my part did not go un-noticed by my good friend, Thomas, or my boyfriend, apparently, and for a brief moment, he was angry with me. It seems, at the time, I was too buzzed to focus or dwell on the matter for more than a couple of minutes. For this, my SO still has not completely discussed with me.

Thomas, ah, Thomas. The one who made a comment far too harsh, "------ and ------ are un-original names." For that, he angered my brother, and my high school acquaintances/friends have given me the "You know I've got your back", and "Where IS he? I'll beat his ass", empty claims, but the kind of mental support I needed to calm my nerves a bit.

Anyhow, we got back home around 2:30AM, but SO and I had about a 3 hour "chat" session outside of ED's house, and didn't fully realize the time until around 6AM. We headed back to my house, and knocked out, almost immediately.

***

I'm one day shy of 24 today, and sadly it began quite alright, but stories of the night's events surfaced, and my parents were less than thrilled. They focused on drunk driving, and assumed that everyone who arrived at the event, drove home drunk. They were not especially thrilled of the bar idea, and were less than ecstatic when they realized almost everyone at the event (to their knowledge from the he-said-she-said's) had spent at least $100 on buying rounds of drinks. They lectured with the usual, don't look at us and think we're going out to play when we go dancing, and how money should be saved, and not spent frivolously, on unnecessary bad social activities. I agree in retrospect, but at the time, it was sheer blame, and finger pointing, and statements like "If anything were to happen to either your brother or your cousin, you'd be the one to blame... you'd feel good, right, if that happened!" It was definitely a lot of talking down to.

There was even the statement that I am a bad influence, because I asked everyone to go, and that without my asking, no one would know to go to the particular bar. My mother blamed as though, through her naivety, and narrow-mindedness, that my one event is what turned everyone sour. And since talking apparently showed no results, I mentally broke down, and had somewhat of a screaming argument with my mother about how naive she was to believe that my one outing to a bar is probably the only one to which my invitees had ever attended. The sad truth is that I rarely go out, and this was the first time I had gone out in ages, save for the occasional Friday after-work-one-drink events with appetizers/dinner. That ruined the day for me, and possibly my experience altogether, but I am truly thankful for the friends I have, and am glad that I had a DD, and that my cousin/brother had DEEnise as a DD. We're less than naive, thankfully.

***

Maybe it's all of this bottled up confrontational arguments that I avoided when I was younger that makes it so easy for me to randomly break down now in older age. Sometimes I feel like I have relationship issues because of what I had experienced with my mother growing up. Or maybe this is something everyone has to deal with growing up. Who knows.

An email to a friend.

2007-12-07T11:10:00.001-08:00

Oh Jennifer, it's always good to talk to you, even if for a brief moment.

I don't really have plans, but as all plans go, they're coming along just dandy. Think back to the Will-Angela episode, and you've got me and Robert, last night, mostly me getting randomly emotional about things that were imagined. I'm not sure why I had the breakdown, but I did. It may have been the aggregate of everything the past couple of days, my uninviting a friend because he was naive enough to believe that inviting 3 of his other friends, 2 of whom I have never met, was okay, and then ending yesterday when my coworker, after my heated monologue about how the aforementioned had frustrated me, inadvertently extends an invitation to our mutual acquaintance. She who works for the client service team, who just so happens to be best friends with whom I traveled in China. I figure it may just be that I know them that she thought it was okay, but after all the flaring rage (that's not really the right word), I'd expect better of people, my coworker, alas, but was not the case.

I guess I'm just heated about everything, and work, in itself, I feel like I have no real mentor. I constantly battle things alone, and only in solitude do I truly reflect on the happenings of what we call "work". I think for the most part I enjoy work in a far greater extent than most people, which I presume is the very reason I'm so excited all the time, but I think it is this very quality, or well, attitude that yields to all the frustration... because I become so involved that I assume everyone takes it as seriously as I do, which I have learned in the previous months, is not usually the case, and in the years to come, a very rare one at that.

Anyway, hopefully the dinner is intimate and non-exhaustive, and seeing Robert over the weekend will hopefully restore some of this random insecurity I have about, well, nothing, at all. Only one more day, love, and then another two before I see you. Hopefully nothing comes up on the 10th, I cannot wait to see you!

Angela

2007-12-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

We had over 24 hours of rain the past two days, and I had been looking forward to another day of rain... though I'm really not complaining, I love the sunlight, too.

first real rainy day of this winter

2007-12-04T08:03:00.000-08:00

It rained, practically all of my ride into work, and probably much more before I woke in the morning. It's chilly out though, I have on a pair of pants, tights, and a black turtleneck. Early though I had on a sweatshirt, with a knee-length raincoat, and was sufficiently warm. Hopefully we get enough rain this season for a good winter out in the snow!

2007-11-23T08:39:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm like every other GIRL out there...

For as long as I've been with my boyfriend, I have not complained, or even cared too much that he's constantly out with his friends, drinking and the like. And rarely do I care that I don't often hear from him on those nights, yesterday should not have been an exception; however, it hit me that for the last couple of days, I did not hear much from him. He lives about an hour's drive away from me, so I see him about once a week, if that, some weeks.

This didn't bother me, before.

It did last night. And it bothers me today, in a different manner though. One of my good guy friends, often, confided his relationship issues in me, and they usually revolved around his girlfriend getting mad about one thing or another, and it hit me that, it's likely that I'm behaving in the same manner that my guy friend's girlfriend behaves.

From a objective standpoint, it seems illogical to behave that way, but subjectively it seems I'm in the same boat, because ironically, the two of them are in the exact cities that my boyfriend and I are in. Eerie, no?

Anyhow, knowing what I know, and knowing the negative aspects of my being, I'm consciously telling myself I need to be a bigger person, and I need to be able to see the bigger picture... and as difficult as it seems, I'm proactively trying to change.

Me? Change? Scary, I know!

2007-11-20T13:27:00.000-08:00

He sent lilies, from ProFlowers, in a shipping box, to work today.

Danny brought me the mail, and exclaimed that he had never seen anything like it.

=)

twenty-five days until I am 365 days from being a quarter of a century old

2007-11-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

naked baby day is coming up, and it'll be a year short of being 25. I've always imagined that being older would be more fun, but alas, I have neither experienced, or sadly, put myself in the position for a more thrilling lifestyle.

An older co-worker sent me a link to a government website to take a peek at federal jobs, and the Federal Bureau came up with potential positions. Although, a job is a job, it seems the more high-profile positions, with more risk are more attuned to my personality. I want more excitement, and I need something that will push me to be the best that I can be. I don't seem to get my fill here. I suppose I can give myself a couple more years working a relatively stable job, and then seek employment where there will be a little more excitement.

My last quote about mediocrity and American democracy seems to stretch across everything. Not only is everything becoming more streamlined, but it seems each individual, if you can even call them that anymore, have a relatively standard lifestyle, work 9-5, or 7-4 (whatever the hours are), gym for a couple of hours after work, dinner, then back to sleep to wake for yet another fun-filled day. Maybe it's not that there isn't any excitement, but rather our lack of motivation to exert more to reach that next level. For the most part, people drone on and on about how life sucks, and work sucks, but does anyone really do anything about it, other than complain? There's hope that that person, to whom each person complains, will be the reactor to that catalyst, when really, it seems, we should be proactively taking a part in the direction that our lives take... instead of relying on others.

Yet, at the same time, we, as Americans, have reached a new level of laziness. We settle for just about anything, and are content with what meets our minimum satisfaction. Why aren't we striving for what makes us most happy? Why aren't we doing what we can to achieve the most that we can?

Maybe it's our upbringing, and being humble, or maybe we're just too afraid to ask for what we really deserve, so we are content with what others decide we deserve. Or we're simple content with mediocrity.

Now that's a sad realization.

2007-11-08T12:23:00.000-08:00

Religion was mostly superstition, science for the most part sciolism, popular education merely a means of forcing the stupid and repressing the bright, so that all the youth of the rising generation might conform to the same dull, dead level of democratic mediocrity.
-- Charles Waddell Chesnut, Conjure Tales and Stories of the Color Line

This was copied from Dictionary.com as word of the day for Nov 4. SO TRUE, it's funny.

2007-11-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

His parents know ABOUT me.

Icer Air cont.

2007-11-05T20:53:00.001-08:00

This past Saturday was the first I had seen of my S.O in two weeks. I missed him, and I wanted to be held. I liked being near him, and with all the time I had spent with him in the past two months, I felt that I had finally found something in him.

He bought tickets to an urban ski/snowboarding event in SF, and I had accompanied him for the most part. I didn't know anyone going, but while at the village, ran into my close friends from pledging my second year in college! I ended up hanging out with them for the duration of the event, even while my boyfriend went and smoked out with his friends.

Summary: the event was spectacular, and I had great company.

The night didn't end there, though. We had walked from the Embarcadero station to AT&T park, and had returned, only to find out my coworkers were at a club near the direction in which we came... so we walked back essentially the way we came... to Tabu lounge on Harrison and 4th, or thereabouts. We skipped lines, because they had decided on bottle service, and had gotten a table reserved near the stage. The night had been good... and was for the most part, despite my coworker flirting with my boyfriend, not realizing that he was my boyfriend, or that I had a boyfriend to begin with.

Upon our arrival, and seating ourselves at the reserved area, she sat around a tiny table, and gestured with her fingers, almost seductively saying "Take a shot with me", I may have misread it, but it seemed far too friendly... and my boyfriend did not object. I didn't expect him to.. not really. I brushed it off, and had quite a few drinks with the group of girls/guys there. I had so much to drink that I loosened up to what I consider the "real" me, I think the correct term to use would be to gyrate, and so I did for a good portion of the latter part of the night, and eventually ended on top of my boyfriend, not caring much about all the others at the club. My coworker would later come to describe this as my "tunnel vision".

Despite leaving the club at the night's end, we ended up in the car for some hour or two, for some serious make-up (not make OUT) time for the two weeks that we had been apart. When he finally drove me home, I became very aware of his leaving me, and whined... even though he had to leave, and I really would not do much to stop him from going, my whining calmed my own nerves a bit.

I returned home to find my mother awaiting my return.

....

and that is why I need to move out!

Icer Air SF 2007 at AT&T park.

2007-11-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

I've met the most intriguing person in the past year that I have been out of school. To be entirely honest, when I left college, I had hoped that with time, I would fate-fully return to the ex that had become such a big part of my growing and understanding of self.

I'm wrong though.

I came back from my Asia trip in mid-January, had a couple of weeks of jet-lag, and one night decided it was time to jump into the work world. I wasn't sure when I started job-hunting that I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but soon I found myself narrowing the fields, looking at lucrative fields, and seeing past just the present. I tried to picture where I wanted to be in a couple of years, and what I would need in order to reach that.

My resume evolved a lot. I became very involved in my own writing, even purchasing books for self-improvement. About a week later, I re-submitted my ill-written first drafts of what was originally my resume, and found that almost every job-posting for which I applied... responded within the next couple of days. I was offered a full-time position at a place I was originally relatively interested in, but rejected the offer to accept a temporary position at the department of health, because it seemed to open more doors than the position I would have taken. By the time I decided to accept this position, a couple of companies I had once been interested in had contacted me for an in-person interview... sadly, I turned them away before I even went in for the interview.

In the three months that I was an employee for Act1, I somehow got acquainted with a random individual online through a coworker, who adamantly wanted us to meet. In her words "He's a good looking young man, and you're a good looking girl, I think you guys should meet... whether you guys date is up to you, but meet him!" It was her adamant approval of a mystery man that I became extremely fascinated, and so began a relationship with some future. It was through Sharon's continued approval and praise that I became so intrigued by someone I barely knew. We emailed constantly, and often would send long emails talking about goodness knows what. This went on for the duration of my time at the Department of Health, with a gap of a month, when I decided it was hopeless to meet the fellow when he constantly seemed to bail on me, or refused to see me.

Oddly, on my last week at DHS, I got an email out of the blue with his usual line "Where'd you go?", and so I filled the fellow in on my current status, and acceptance with a new employer. Coincidentally, my last day was also his.. as was my supposed first day at work. It took the end of May until around July/August for him to finally agree to meet me. I wasn't sure what it was at the time that made him finally agree to go out with me... after 5 months of emailing back and forth, we finally met August 11, 2007. Since then, it seems we have become somewhat inseparable, spending most Saturdays during the weekend together, if not the entire weekend.

Recently, he has been opening up to me more. Asking me to ask him about him... and it was this way that I found he had been captivated by one picture of me, sitting on the floor at a Borders bookstore, with semi-dark attire, adorning a pair of thick white glasses, secretly smiling because of the logo on my tote bag, a symbol of communism that no one seemed to notice. It was this one picture that made him want to meet me.

I had not been as captivated, but by my attachment to what I had become acquainted with over the course of 5 months. He seemed to be enchanting in a very strange way, and I was intrigued because I wanted, I needed, to know if this person was who I thought he to be. I briefly got a glimpse of the fellow at a teleconference we had for genetic counselors at the Department of Health, and had not been entirely pleased with who I had gotten a glimpse of, but by this time, I had fallen not for the physical person, but for the person within.

Even now, it seems, most people are surprised to find that I am attached to someone I am not entirely attracted to, and at times, I wonder whether I am truly in it for me, or if I had become attached because of the months of intrigue, and what seems like an investment of my time and energy. Maybe it was this way that I had become so overwhelmingly tied to him.... yet, I still do not know for certain whether I really want to be in this.

As you can tell, again I have diverted from what I thought I needed, or wanted, to say. It seems I really am confused.

2007-10-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

I made a pretty big step when I openly referred to him as my significant other. Hopefully he really felt and thought that way, when he asked me which I would prefer to be introduced as... and it wasn't just a random suggestion for ownership. Am I anxious to know, sure...