july 8
i want to remember when my kids ask me when they're ready to get married, "mom how did dad ask you". i want to have a vivid memory of how he asked, how i felt. an honest memory. not one clouded by years in between, a story told and retold and fluffed up with years of experiences.
in hopes of this blog surviving another couple of decades, to my future children:
it happened a week ago, yesterday, july 8.
it's been crazier at work. and last monday, when i texted jeremiah at around 3P to see when he was getting home, i planned to let him know i'd be at work later.
every 10-20 minutes after that, he'd text to ask when i was going to be home.. and that was unusual. he barely if ever would be the first to text me, usually i can expect him to respond to a text i've sent him. anyway monday was different. every so often he'd text to see if i was home yet, or if i was on my way, and when i finally got to text him back on my way home from the train station, he said, "i'm at your house".
it didn't surprise me really. the last few weekends we've been frequenting japanese gardens, and doing a lot of clean up yard work prepping the grounds for when we would really get to re-do the garden. this would be years down the line, but we were already prepping. taking out stumps, maintaining the lawn, etc. anything to make it pristine. so when i found jeremiah's car in front of my garage, and him sitting on my porch steps, he was excited, so i expected the excitement to be about the maple trees we had been growing in the back patio area.
all the while, he's hugging me, and kissing my cheeks, and says over and over again, "i have something to ask you". he then tells me to take the keychain and to pull it apart. i had hung the keychain on a picture hanging hook on my bedroom wall, afraid to damage it since he told me time and again how important this thing was to him. he had given it to me several months after we started dating, and said to hold on to it, and when the time came he would tell me why it was so important to him that i kept it safe. i take the keychain off the hook, and being prompted on how to pull it apart, he gets down on one, or both, knees, and while he's in the middle of asking me to marry him... i question out loud, "seriously?!??! are you REALLY asking me RIGHT now?? ...... really???"
I probably stood there without an answer for a couple of minutes, not knowing what to say. Not necessarily in awe, or shocked, or so full of excitement that I didn't have words. I honestly did not know what to say. My mind had gone completely blank, and when I realized that I had stood there without an answer, I said Yes without even thinking. I'm not sure if when people say yes to marrying someone if their minds go blank, or if there's a moment of confusion... I'm not sure what's suppose to happen, and maybe that's why I was confused and didn't answer. I mean, how WAS I supposed to act?
Up to this point, only one person knew that I already knew the keychain contained the little question. In a heated argument not long ago, I had questioned whether Jeremiah would ever ask me. In his defense, he had blurted out, several different times, that I'd understand or I'd know if I took the thing apart. I had taken it apart after an argument where I felt completely heartbroken. I think I always knew it was there. And I think I always knew exactly how he felt about me, even hours I said yes to being his girlfriend. I'm not sure why knowing that he'd ask, or even the actual asking made any difference. Maybe I needed the confirmation... but when I saw the question, I felt like I took that away from him, and so I attempted to keep it to myself... that didnt' work. I slipped the information to him... but even now I'm not sure he really understood what I told him.
(If you ever get to read this... now you know.... eeecckkk... LOVE you!)
... I didn't just take them away from him, my mom took away the element of surprise when she called one afternoon on my train ride home from work. "Hi. Jeremiah called to say he's coming over after work, I expect you will be coming home, too. Well, just come over, we made dinner for you both. Bye." My mom didn't know that Jeremiah had not talked to me about going to my parents for dinner... or that he had no intention of having me there for it. When I explained to her in simple terms, the a-ha moment came and she simply said, "well, just pretend you don't know"
I guess that's an entry on its own. Of course it didn't change that I didn't know what they talked about precisely, I just knew that he went and he was probably there to get approval/ permission. My parents didn't know when or where, they just knew it would happen.
I only have one thing to say. It's different talking about it. No matter how much you talk about it, it will never change the experience you have when you are asked. That magic only comes when you know for a fact that this other person really wants to spend the rest of his/ her life with you, and he/ she knows it with so much certainty that they are proclaiming it with a physical object to place on your ring finger. That can never be taken away.
Happy 1 week engagement, to me! :-) I hope this blog survives long enough for you to read it...
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