I'm so exhausted, I want to go home. Sleep. Not eat. Not exercise. Sounds like a good plan, but not.
Coffee is not doing anything for me... I still have half a cup left... and 2 hours before the end of the day. Someone help!
Wednesday, December 21
Tuesday, December 20
Dec 20, 2011
prognosis: a-ok to play
Boyfriend was given the go-ahead to play in contact sports yesterday morning - and so, tonight after his roommate's birthday dinner, I'll be going to his hockey game, again.
I said it once, and I'll say it again... I do not know how much longer I can go to his games - I love watching him on the ice, especially since he makes it look so graceful, but watching him take hits upon hits gets unbearable. My only consolation is he always comes out, albeit sweaty, and greets me with a kiss on the cheek.
Readers, pray for a safe game tonight, sans injuries, especially head injuries.
Boyfriend was given the go-ahead to play in contact sports yesterday morning - and so, tonight after his roommate's birthday dinner, I'll be going to his hockey game, again.
I said it once, and I'll say it again... I do not know how much longer I can go to his games - I love watching him on the ice, especially since he makes it look so graceful, but watching him take hits upon hits gets unbearable. My only consolation is he always comes out, albeit sweaty, and greets me with a kiss on the cheek.
Readers, pray for a safe game tonight, sans injuries, especially head injuries.
Thursday, December 15
Dec 15, 2011
I just got "home" from watching another one of my boyfriend's hockey games... and to opine on my experiences... I enjoy being there, and showing support, as the one and probably only fan the team has, season-round. I do not, however, like that this is the adult RECREATIONAL league, and the guys (some young, and some WAY too old to be acting the fools that they do act like) play aggressive, or in the boys' words "check others against the boards".
The boyfriend has these bumps on the sides of his head, and I'm ready to throw it down... and honestly, I do not care that I'm a girl. Somehow they think that putting on a pair of skates, putting on a helmet and playing in adult hockey somehow garners them the right to play dangerously aggressive. As though that will stop me from hunting the f*cker down... and #$#^%^ing the sh*t out of him. They don't know my hometown, and they don't know me.
The boyfriend has these bumps on the sides of his head, and I'm ready to throw it down... and honestly, I do not care that I'm a girl. Somehow they think that putting on a pair of skates, putting on a helmet and playing in adult hockey somehow garners them the right to play dangerously aggressive. As though that will stop me from hunting the f*cker down... and #$#^%^ing the sh*t out of him. They don't know my hometown, and they don't know me.
Wednesday, December 14
Dec 14, 2011 Part II
The new year is looking good already. I'm already registered for a 15k for March of next year, and have plans to travel to BC - snowboarding at Whistler. #yeahbuddy!
Dec 14, 2011
Lacking Motivation
So I go looking for it.
And I stumbled upon something that hit a really high note with me: Eliminate Self-Doubt and Fear. I was reading this, and it didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, or feel... but what really stuck were the things the article reiterated:
- surround yourself with positive people
- everyone at the gym is there for self-improvement
- yes, you can!
- have drive, reason, purpose
- train hard
"No one can tell you that you cannot do something except you" is the same message I replay in my head, all of the time. When people tell me I cannot, I tell myself several things "if it were easy, everyone would be doing it" and "no one can tell me I can't except me"... and then I look at how much I've accomplished, and remind myself that everything I gave up to get to where I am is why I am here, and why others are not. Why should I let others dictate how my lifestyle should be and what I should eat, when obviously whatever I AM doing is working FOR ME.
Just because I don't eat 800 calories in one meal does not mean I'm anorexic. And, no, I do not need advice from someone who thinks that working at a supplement store somehow makes them an expert on what does and does not work...
So I go looking for it.
And I stumbled upon something that hit a really high note with me: Eliminate Self-Doubt and Fear. I was reading this, and it didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know, or feel... but what really stuck were the things the article reiterated:
- surround yourself with positive people
- everyone at the gym is there for self-improvement
- yes, you can!
- have drive, reason, purpose
- train hard
"No one can tell you that you cannot do something except you" is the same message I replay in my head, all of the time. When people tell me I cannot, I tell myself several things "if it were easy, everyone would be doing it" and "no one can tell me I can't except me"... and then I look at how much I've accomplished, and remind myself that everything I gave up to get to where I am is why I am here, and why others are not. Why should I let others dictate how my lifestyle should be and what I should eat, when obviously whatever I AM doing is working FOR ME.
Just because I don't eat 800 calories in one meal does not mean I'm anorexic. And, no, I do not need advice from someone who thinks that working at a supplement store somehow makes them an expert on what does and does not work...
Monday, December 12
Dec 12, 2011
the follow-up: Running a Half Marathon with No Training
Is it possible? HECK YES!
Did I do it? Obviously.
Would I do it again? Untrained? Likely. Maybe.
Some pointers:
- sleep. at least 7-8 hours. reason: i slept at 12:30a, to wake at 4:30a to leave the house... i was tired. and cold.
- eat. well the night before - not necessarily carbo-load, unless you feel that helps you prepare, mentally.
- hydrate. drink lots of water (all of the time, but most importantly) the week before the race.
- do not weight train several days before, especially not the legs on the Thursday before the weekend race. reason: i trained my legs... extra hard thursday thinking that i needed to tack on an extra leg workout, since i likely wouldn't do another for the rest of the weekend. boy, was i wrong. they felt like bricks going uphill on mile 7, they got heavier and heavier after mile 8, and fully cramped around mile 9. result: i walked about 98% of the last 5 miles.
- be mentally ready. set your mind to it, and do it. if you start to lose momentum, want to quit, or just stop altogether, remind yourself of the reasons why you're running this race, particularly.
- train, if you can. i did it without the training, and i think it is entirely possible. i ran/walked it in 2h:36m (11:56min/mile pace), but when i finished, my thoughts were *what would my time have been, if i had trained? run the entire distance? or at least run the last 2 miles?*
Reflections:
My whole intent when I initially signed up to run the race was merely to do it. The competitive nature in me wanted to prove that if other people, non-avid runners, can complete these runs, why couldn't I? I wanted to run, and to run well. Since I didn't train, as the day drew closer, my goals changed - I just wanted to finish, and collect my medal. Even if that meant walking across the line at 4 hours, I would do it - so when much older women, twice my size (I'm not an ageist, size-ist, etc etc... personal feelings knowing that I work out consistently and am considered "fit"... high expectations for self...) were running past me I was all too sure that I was close to the 4 hour limit, if not at it. So you can imagine my surprise when I crossed the finish to see the clock read 02:36:...
I'd do it again, in a heartbeat. I only hope, and wish, this time around the bug I've got sticks. I thought I got the bug the last time I ran a race, but it wasn't enough to encourage me to train to run this race any better.
verdict: Trampolines after Running a Half Marathon with No Training
No one thought I should/could successfully run a half marathon with no training. I think it was successful, some people run the entire distance at 11:56min/mi. And no one thought I'd even have the legs to go jump on trampolines... so I did everything possible to make sure I'd make it, and have a great time. I took protein/electrolytes throughout the day, used Bengay, had my boyfriend massage out my knots and any tight muscles, and I stretched a lot. Every time I randomly woke during the night, I would massage the legs.... and the result? I woke up still slightly sore, but I could move, much more easily. I had a protein shake that morning, and by the time we got to my boyfriend's house, I was fully mobile. I jumped with more enthusiasm than most of the people there, except my boyfriend, of course, who exerts an abundance of energy, all of the time. The reason I love him so much (he CAN keep up with me).
Would I jump on trampolines after a 13.1 mile run ever again? Maybe not. Neither my running partner nor I were injured, but we ended up in ER anyway, for another friend who dislocated an ankle. Ironic.
reaching the six month mark
Despite all of the mishaps, and unforeseen incidents, yesterday, I had the best birthday celebration/six month anniversary any GIRL could ask for. My friend dislocated her ankle, and all of my friends who had decided to come jump on trampolines with me, showed up at the Emergency Room with me. I spent three hours there, and all of my friends were there. How awesome is that? I still went out to "lunch" at 3:30P for all you can eat Shabu Shabu, and had ice cream as planned, with the best friends I could ever hope for. Complete with asian sticky pictures to boot. And we spent two hours at my injured friend's apartment after we got the car back, just catching up, and hanging out.
My boyfriend's got the best friends that I could ever ask to be friends with - one, offered to and, drove my friend to the ER while I drove my friend's car to the hospital; the other was good-natured and let us "kidnap" him for the duration of the night, so we could get my friend's car back to her... 45 min away.
What more could I ask for?
Is it possible? HECK YES!
Did I do it? Obviously.
Would I do it again? Untrained? Likely. Maybe.
Some pointers:
- sleep. at least 7-8 hours. reason: i slept at 12:30a, to wake at 4:30a to leave the house... i was tired. and cold.
- eat. well the night before - not necessarily carbo-load, unless you feel that helps you prepare, mentally.
- hydrate. drink lots of water (all of the time, but most importantly) the week before the race.
- do not weight train several days before, especially not the legs on the Thursday before the weekend race. reason: i trained my legs... extra hard thursday thinking that i needed to tack on an extra leg workout, since i likely wouldn't do another for the rest of the weekend. boy, was i wrong. they felt like bricks going uphill on mile 7, they got heavier and heavier after mile 8, and fully cramped around mile 9. result: i walked about 98% of the last 5 miles.
- be mentally ready. set your mind to it, and do it. if you start to lose momentum, want to quit, or just stop altogether, remind yourself of the reasons why you're running this race, particularly.
- train, if you can. i did it without the training, and i think it is entirely possible. i ran/walked it in 2h:36m (11:56min/mile pace), but when i finished, my thoughts were *what would my time have been, if i had trained? run the entire distance? or at least run the last 2 miles?*
Reflections:
My whole intent when I initially signed up to run the race was merely to do it. The competitive nature in me wanted to prove that if other people, non-avid runners, can complete these runs, why couldn't I? I wanted to run, and to run well. Since I didn't train, as the day drew closer, my goals changed - I just wanted to finish, and collect my medal. Even if that meant walking across the line at 4 hours, I would do it - so when much older women, twice my size (I'm not an ageist, size-ist, etc etc... personal feelings knowing that I work out consistently and am considered "fit"... high expectations for self...) were running past me I was all too sure that I was close to the 4 hour limit, if not at it. So you can imagine my surprise when I crossed the finish to see the clock read 02:36:...
I'd do it again, in a heartbeat. I only hope, and wish, this time around the bug I've got sticks. I thought I got the bug the last time I ran a race, but it wasn't enough to encourage me to train to run this race any better.
verdict: Trampolines after Running a Half Marathon with No Training
No one thought I should/could successfully run a half marathon with no training. I think it was successful, some people run the entire distance at 11:56min/mi. And no one thought I'd even have the legs to go jump on trampolines... so I did everything possible to make sure I'd make it, and have a great time. I took protein/electrolytes throughout the day, used Bengay, had my boyfriend massage out my knots and any tight muscles, and I stretched a lot. Every time I randomly woke during the night, I would massage the legs.... and the result? I woke up still slightly sore, but I could move, much more easily. I had a protein shake that morning, and by the time we got to my boyfriend's house, I was fully mobile. I jumped with more enthusiasm than most of the people there, except my boyfriend, of course, who exerts an abundance of energy, all of the time. The reason I love him so much (he CAN keep up with me).
Would I jump on trampolines after a 13.1 mile run ever again? Maybe not. Neither my running partner nor I were injured, but we ended up in ER anyway, for another friend who dislocated an ankle. Ironic.
reaching the six month mark
Despite all of the mishaps, and unforeseen incidents, yesterday, I had the best birthday celebration/six month anniversary any GIRL could ask for. My friend dislocated her ankle, and all of my friends who had decided to come jump on trampolines with me, showed up at the Emergency Room with me. I spent three hours there, and all of my friends were there. How awesome is that? I still went out to "lunch" at 3:30P for all you can eat Shabu Shabu, and had ice cream as planned, with the best friends I could ever hope for. Complete with asian sticky pictures to boot. And we spent two hours at my injured friend's apartment after we got the car back, just catching up, and hanging out.
My boyfriend's got the best friends that I could ever ask to be friends with - one, offered to and, drove my friend to the ER while I drove my friend's car to the hospital; the other was good-natured and let us "kidnap" him for the duration of the night, so we could get my friend's car back to her... 45 min away.
What more could I ask for?
Friday, December 9
Dec 9, 2011
#hashtags galore
Imagine getting out of the elevator to go get #coffee, and being greeted by #christmascarolers... that's what happened this AM.
Not only is it the day before #mybirthday, #1sthalfmarathon, #inauguralrun... it's also the holiday "party" at work. We're not having an actual #party, but we're having a holiday appreciation event for a couple of hours in our offices. Nice gesture. Just means an #earlydayoff. I can appreciate that.
Maybe I'll do a little birthday shopping... #formyself.
Here's to my love for #hashtags, a great beginning to a Friday, and to an exciting weekend ahead!
Imagine getting out of the elevator to go get #coffee, and being greeted by #christmascarolers... that's what happened this AM.
Not only is it the day before #mybirthday, #1sthalfmarathon, #inauguralrun... it's also the holiday "party" at work. We're not having an actual #party, but we're having a holiday appreciation event for a couple of hours in our offices. Nice gesture. Just means an #earlydayoff. I can appreciate that.
Maybe I'll do a little birthday shopping... #formyself.
Here's to my love for #hashtags, a great beginning to a Friday, and to an exciting weekend ahead!
Wednesday, December 7
Dec 7, 2011
birthday weekend
I'm excited for weekend festivities! I see some of my favorite people, and I've finally (I'm not sure how many times I've expressed this in the past and it wasn't true...) reached a point in my life that I am proud of. I'm seeing all of the important people in my life at present, and, in the past year, have come to grips with the fact that I no longer share the same relationships I once had with people who were once that important to me. I'm no longer angry, or resentful. I've come to peace with it. Coming to this realization on my own this past year has truly helped me grow as a person. And for that, I am thankful.
I'm stoked for my 13.1 mile run, albeit untrained, and am so ready to prove to everyone that I can finish it, even if that means walking across the finish line, and still have energy to jump on trampolines for an hour the next day. No one can tell me I cannot do something, but myself. I'm saying... I can!
I'm excited for weekend festivities! I see some of my favorite people, and I've finally (I'm not sure how many times I've expressed this in the past and it wasn't true...) reached a point in my life that I am proud of. I'm seeing all of the important people in my life at present, and, in the past year, have come to grips with the fact that I no longer share the same relationships I once had with people who were once that important to me. I'm no longer angry, or resentful. I've come to peace with it. Coming to this realization on my own this past year has truly helped me grow as a person. And for that, I am thankful.
I'm stoked for my 13.1 mile run, albeit untrained, and am so ready to prove to everyone that I can finish it, even if that means walking across the finish line, and still have energy to jump on trampolines for an hour the next day. No one can tell me I cannot do something, but myself. I'm saying... I can!
Thursday, December 1
Dec 1, 2011
favorite month of the year: december
First let me say: Happy, happy December, all! Time for holiday music, festive lighting decorations, ugly sweaters, and snow sports! LOVE!
1RM Deadlift: 76kg
I only just attempted to hit my 1 rep max last night, and I decided to max at 76kg - to stop adding weights after I lifted 76 a couple of times. As this was my first attempt at finding one, I wanted to be comfortable with my form - bar running along the legs as you reach the top, and back down. I have bruises to show for it. Suffice it to say, I've never thought so much about maintaining proper form as I did last night - sitting back and then lifting the weight was much more difficult than just bearing the weight with the back - but I definitely do not feel the stress today.
I hope I get much stronger the next go! Love #CrossFit, and love my Crossfit Chicago tee.
Warm-up:
Tabatha -
jumprope
burpees (star jump)
kettle ball swings
sit ups
First let me say: Happy, happy December, all! Time for holiday music, festive lighting decorations, ugly sweaters, and snow sports! LOVE!
1RM Deadlift: 76kg
I only just attempted to hit my 1 rep max last night, and I decided to max at 76kg - to stop adding weights after I lifted 76 a couple of times. As this was my first attempt at finding one, I wanted to be comfortable with my form - bar running along the legs as you reach the top, and back down. I have bruises to show for it. Suffice it to say, I've never thought so much about maintaining proper form as I did last night - sitting back and then lifting the weight was much more difficult than just bearing the weight with the back - but I definitely do not feel the stress today.
I hope I get much stronger the next go! Love #CrossFit, and love my Crossfit Chicago tee.
Warm-up:
Tabatha -
jumprope
burpees (star jump)
kettle ball swings
sit ups
Monday, November 28
Nov 28, 2011
Running a Half Marathon with No Training
Sometime last year, after the various turkey trots, I got the bug. The running bug. (Bear in mind I had stopped running for about a year to two prior to this...)
For as long as I could remember, I've always run, albeit shorter distances, but I've always fit in consistent runs, topping out at around 3 miles/day, 6-7 days/week. So when all of my friends, most of whom were avid non-runners, started to run half marathons and complete them at a consistent jog-run pace, I felt the competitive spirit in me stir.
Sometime in May/June, I compulsively signed up, and paid for my first half marathon - on my birthday. Multiple factors will make this an extremely momentous event: my birthday has never, to my knowledge, fallen on a weekend date, this is the first that I can remember; this is the inaugural half marathon run for this little town; and I will be running my first ever half-marathon before I turn 30.
I had every intention when I signed up for this race to train well for it, and to run it at my best; now about 2 weeks out from the race, I still have not logged more than a 2 mile run. Will I still do it? Hell to the YES! (Excuse my language.) I believe the body is capable of things that seem impossible! And aren't we always discovering new and fascinating miracles of the human body?? So, oh, YES, I CAN do it! And if you google "Run a Half Marathon with No Training", you'll come across varied opinions, split between "Yes, you can - people have done it" and "No, you should not - you'll surely be injured"... I'm a firm believer in "Yes, you can"!
Here's some inspiration: She did it! And, so did he! Oh, so did this guy...!
Sometime last year, after the various turkey trots, I got the bug. The running bug. (Bear in mind I had stopped running for about a year to two prior to this...)
For as long as I could remember, I've always run, albeit shorter distances, but I've always fit in consistent runs, topping out at around 3 miles/day, 6-7 days/week. So when all of my friends, most of whom were avid non-runners, started to run half marathons and complete them at a consistent jog-run pace, I felt the competitive spirit in me stir.
Sometime in May/June, I compulsively signed up, and paid for my first half marathon - on my birthday. Multiple factors will make this an extremely momentous event: my birthday has never, to my knowledge, fallen on a weekend date, this is the first that I can remember; this is the inaugural half marathon run for this little town; and I will be running my first ever half-marathon before I turn 30.
I had every intention when I signed up for this race to train well for it, and to run it at my best; now about 2 weeks out from the race, I still have not logged more than a 2 mile run. Will I still do it? Hell to the YES! (Excuse my language.) I believe the body is capable of things that seem impossible! And aren't we always discovering new and fascinating miracles of the human body?? So, oh, YES, I CAN do it! And if you google "Run a Half Marathon with No Training", you'll come across varied opinions, split between "Yes, you can - people have done it" and "No, you should not - you'll surely be injured"... I'm a firm believer in "Yes, you can"!
Here's some inspiration: She did it! And, so did he! Oh, so did this guy...!
Thursday, November 24
Nov 24, 2011
Boyfriend is abroad, traveling for business, again. Twice since we got together. This is extremely beneficial, for professional growth, I see it, and I think it's uber awesome. Professional. Emotionally, it sucks.
As the days go by, I'm filling it with things I use to do when I was newly single, and first moved into my house. I planned day dates with friends, and went out more... I could do all of those things now, while he's gone... but something about it being Thanksgiving, and wanting to be near him makes it difficult.
Initially I thought it was wonderful he had all of these opportunities, and frankly, still think they're wonderful... but they're disastrous for our relationship. Just as I'm starting to really open up, and let the layers fall away, I emotionally have to distance myself when he leaves for business.
Committing myself to being available for chats has made this especially draining - he and I never set guidelines for the protocol when he was abroad. He would tell me the time difference, we would figure when he awakes and when he sleeps, and would agree that particular hours were best for chatting. We never set a day/time. He would wake early so he could chat, and the assumption was that I would be on the other end ready to accept the chat session. And because we never set a time, I was, and am, always left wondering when he would be signing online to chat/video-chat with me... or if he would at all.
I do think I need to find a coping mechanism for his traveling for business, weeks at a time...
However, I'm not sure this would be a good thing... there are two things that can come of this mechanism. One, I find a way to deal with it, and we're dandy - his absence doesn't bother me, and I love him all the same. Or two, I find a way to deal with it, and start to build layers/walls around me - his absence eventually doesn't bother me, because I just don't care that he's away, and I may love him the same, or not at all.
I hope I find the former.
As the days go by, I'm filling it with things I use to do when I was newly single, and first moved into my house. I planned day dates with friends, and went out more... I could do all of those things now, while he's gone... but something about it being Thanksgiving, and wanting to be near him makes it difficult.
Initially I thought it was wonderful he had all of these opportunities, and frankly, still think they're wonderful... but they're disastrous for our relationship. Just as I'm starting to really open up, and let the layers fall away, I emotionally have to distance myself when he leaves for business.
Committing myself to being available for chats has made this especially draining - he and I never set guidelines for the protocol when he was abroad. He would tell me the time difference, we would figure when he awakes and when he sleeps, and would agree that particular hours were best for chatting. We never set a day/time. He would wake early so he could chat, and the assumption was that I would be on the other end ready to accept the chat session. And because we never set a time, I was, and am, always left wondering when he would be signing online to chat/video-chat with me... or if he would at all.
I do think I need to find a coping mechanism for his traveling for business, weeks at a time...
However, I'm not sure this would be a good thing... there are two things that can come of this mechanism. One, I find a way to deal with it, and we're dandy - his absence doesn't bother me, and I love him all the same. Or two, I find a way to deal with it, and start to build layers/walls around me - his absence eventually doesn't bother me, because I just don't care that he's away, and I may love him the same, or not at all.
I hope I find the former.
Monday, November 21
Nov 21, 2011
I've already decided on a resolution for the new year. None of this get fit, eat healthy junk that fills everyone else's list(s). And mine for the last decade... Taking from the photo a day challenge, I'm going to attempt to write an entry a day for 365 days.
"What brought on this resolution?", asked the boyfriend.
People are thinking, constantly, throughout the day, whether they be interesting, intelligent, logical, or entirely irrelevant thoughts. People are thinking. I'd be interested to see a compilation of my own thoughts on 2012, what was important, or warranted an entry.
An Entry a Day, for 365 Days.
"What brought on this resolution?", asked the boyfriend.
People are thinking, constantly, throughout the day, whether they be interesting, intelligent, logical, or entirely irrelevant thoughts. People are thinking. I'd be interested to see a compilation of my own thoughts on 2012, what was important, or warranted an entry.
An Entry a Day, for 365 Days.
Saturday, November 19
Nov 19, 2011
'Honeymoon' Phase, and Initial Attraction - Does It Ever Really Go Away?
I always had this jaded view of love and relationships. Of course, I didn't know this at the time.
I had this perception that love and marriage did not necessarily mean what the movies often portrayed, this lovey-dovey, meant to be with the other person, kind of love. I really thought that most couples just find comfort in stability, and knowing that the other person was someone they could get along with... and sort of settled with the other person. Honestly, true love, as they depicted it in the movies, did not exist. Simple as that.
I was wrong, though. In this other person, I found this comfort, and a sense of, seriously, just knowing that I was meant to be with this person. We had been dating for about a month, and the day he was to leave on a plane to South America/Europe, I had this overwhelming feeling, a knowing that this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. We talked about kids, and how we were raised, and if you could imagine, I was indescribably overwhelmed with this feeling that I wanted children, and this was the person I would want them with. I had never wanted children. I liked them, sure, but the thought never crossed my mind to have my own. At least, not until then. It wasn't because I wanted his babies, or that I wanted babies, period... I just knew.
We've now been dating for about half a year, and I still find myself extremely excited to see him. And I see him every night. I had always thought the spark fading was a normal phase in a relationship, I know differently now. The initial attraction, and the spark never really fades - I'm still extremely attracted to him, and with each day that passes, I find that I grow more and more so. I discover new reasons for falling for him, and a better understanding for why we are so good together. And the more that I discover, the more I feel that he is who I am meant to be with.
This morning, as we were waiting around, he whispered to me, as he does ever so frequently, "I love you" with this look in his eyes, as though he were looking into my soul. Jokingly, I retorted, "Do you really feel it? Or are you just saying it to say it?" He responds, "I don't feel it, I just know that I do."
Getting to this "finding your soul mate" place meant taking detours and long winding roads. The hardest part is recognizing that you aren't there yet, and being able to say that you need to move on to find it. I am so truly thankful for whatever it was in me that told me to keep searching, because if it had not been for that, I would not have found mine. Even more grateful for all of my previous experiences that helped me to better understand me, and to appreciate all of the qualities that is who my boyfriend has become.
I always had this jaded view of love and relationships. Of course, I didn't know this at the time.
I had this perception that love and marriage did not necessarily mean what the movies often portrayed, this lovey-dovey, meant to be with the other person, kind of love. I really thought that most couples just find comfort in stability, and knowing that the other person was someone they could get along with... and sort of settled with the other person. Honestly, true love, as they depicted it in the movies, did not exist. Simple as that.
I was wrong, though. In this other person, I found this comfort, and a sense of, seriously, just knowing that I was meant to be with this person. We had been dating for about a month, and the day he was to leave on a plane to South America/Europe, I had this overwhelming feeling, a knowing that this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. We talked about kids, and how we were raised, and if you could imagine, I was indescribably overwhelmed with this feeling that I wanted children, and this was the person I would want them with. I had never wanted children. I liked them, sure, but the thought never crossed my mind to have my own. At least, not until then. It wasn't because I wanted his babies, or that I wanted babies, period... I just knew.
We've now been dating for about half a year, and I still find myself extremely excited to see him. And I see him every night. I had always thought the spark fading was a normal phase in a relationship, I know differently now. The initial attraction, and the spark never really fades - I'm still extremely attracted to him, and with each day that passes, I find that I grow more and more so. I discover new reasons for falling for him, and a better understanding for why we are so good together. And the more that I discover, the more I feel that he is who I am meant to be with.
This morning, as we were waiting around, he whispered to me, as he does ever so frequently, "I love you" with this look in his eyes, as though he were looking into my soul. Jokingly, I retorted, "Do you really feel it? Or are you just saying it to say it?" He responds, "I don't feel it, I just know that I do."
Getting to this "finding your soul mate" place meant taking detours and long winding roads. The hardest part is recognizing that you aren't there yet, and being able to say that you need to move on to find it. I am so truly thankful for whatever it was in me that told me to keep searching, because if it had not been for that, I would not have found mine. Even more grateful for all of my previous experiences that helped me to better understand me, and to appreciate all of the qualities that is who my boyfriend has become.
Nov 19, 2011
Here's a little something to take you back to that fateful night. April 2007.It hasn't been very long since you've been gone... and as afraid as I am to admit, I really don't know what I'm to do without you. Sometimes, it seems we're so caught with filling our day and our goings-ons, that we never really have the chance to live in the moment. Even as the hours slipped away today, we moved forward as though the day would end no differently than any other; it wasn't until we were an hour from leaving that we both agreed that we had wasted our last hours together.
About six months ago, you asked me to be a significant part of your life, I came to the realization that whatever this thing was between you and I would not just be another relationship. I never thought I'd want certain things in my life, but with you all of that changed. I realized that if I wanted them at all, I would want them with you. I can imagine having those things with you, when in times past, I would not have seen myself ever getting there.
Four years passed while we were both finding ourselves, doing some growing up, and since April 28, 2007, and we still found ourselves, albeit as two different people, still having the same spark we had years before. Six months ago, when I asked you to come over, as a comedic event to show how obvious your attraction was to me, I had no idea that I would find myself here. I made a difficult decision that I wanted to make an attempt at what it seemed was a bad idea in everyone else's opinion. I am, inspite myself, very happy that I decided to let all other opinions fall to the wayside.
I am so happy to be here, with you. Happy 5th, 8 days ago.
Monday, November 14
Nov 14 2011
After a much needed three day weekend, I have had some new thoughts on this whole bridal party ordeal. Although I'd like to be asked, I'm not sure I want all of the financial responsibility that comes with it. Committing to something like this would mean attending all wedding-related activities: engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party... and all of this will add up...
I'm at peace with any decision she makes - honored just to be considered close enough to be asked to attend the ceremony/reception (guest list of 200).
Congratulations, friend!
I'm at peace with any decision she makes - honored just to be considered close enough to be asked to attend the ceremony/reception (guest list of 200).
Congratulations, friend!
Friday, November 4
Nov 10 2011
I neglected to update since my vacation.
I am back. I was slightly motivated. Then.... my aunt visited. I've been off the last couple of days... hopefully I can steer relatively clear today, and I'll be ready for the weekend.
I have a good friend who is getting married next fall. We had conversations, in the past, before she was engaged, that if either of us were to get married, we'd be each other's bridesmaids. It was a very definite thing. Now she's engaged. And she's torn. Her sister in law got married a couple of years ago, and had a friend, Alice, who coordinated everything day of the wedding. My friend now wants an "Alice", someone she trusts to coordinate and ensure everything goes according to schedule, or as planned... and she hinted, and has stated that she wants me to be that person. She also still abides by wanting me as a bridesmaid, but also mentioned she has a long list of gals she'd consider for her bridal party.
Honestly, I'm honored she considered me, trusts me, enough to want me to be that coordinator person, but at the same time, I really want to be a bridesmaid. I know I'm really good at planning, and coordinating, and I'm sure just about everyone who has considered me, in the past couple of years, as a potential had this thought cross their mind. It may be the very reason most people want me to be there, because they know they can count on me to be there when they really need me, and know I'll do my best, and do it well. It's a huge responsibility and to be the first person considered is a true reflection of perceived character. And it's a good one. I just think I can do it, while also being a bridesmaid.....
I am back. I was slightly motivated. Then.... my aunt visited. I've been off the last couple of days... hopefully I can steer relatively clear today, and I'll be ready for the weekend.
I have a good friend who is getting married next fall. We had conversations, in the past, before she was engaged, that if either of us were to get married, we'd be each other's bridesmaids. It was a very definite thing. Now she's engaged. And she's torn. Her sister in law got married a couple of years ago, and had a friend, Alice, who coordinated everything day of the wedding. My friend now wants an "Alice", someone she trusts to coordinate and ensure everything goes according to schedule, or as planned... and she hinted, and has stated that she wants me to be that person. She also still abides by wanting me as a bridesmaid, but also mentioned she has a long list of gals she'd consider for her bridal party.
Honestly, I'm honored she considered me, trusts me, enough to want me to be that coordinator person, but at the same time, I really want to be a bridesmaid. I know I'm really good at planning, and coordinating, and I'm sure just about everyone who has considered me, in the past couple of years, as a potential had this thought cross their mind. It may be the very reason most people want me to be there, because they know they can count on me to be there when they really need me, and know I'll do my best, and do it well. It's a huge responsibility and to be the first person considered is a true reflection of perceived character. And it's a good one. I just think I can do it, while also being a bridesmaid.....
Friday, October 28
Oct 28 2011
First day back at work - and like many other days these past couple of months, I get very little done. I don't really have an excuse other than that I couldn't find my focus. I've lost interest in what it is that I do at work... there's little motivation to do better, because it seems the company doesn't recognize the effort. Recently I've been pulled in multiple directions, and it's good in that upper level management sees potential in me, and therefore has requested that I participate in more development and workflow projects/activities... however, it comes at a time when I have neither the time, nor the mental capacity to do it. Very few people recognize that I'm being pulled in these directions, both within my group, and without. I got a 4.5% salary increase, whoopdeedooo.
I wonder what will happen when....
I wonder what will happen when....
Wednesday, October 19
Oct 19 2011
Southwest sent an email yesterday morning advertising another low fare deal, and I was booked for a trip about an hour after that. Instead of weighing the pros and cons of going on the trip, I booked it, and said, I'll deal with the logistics later. Later being after my week long vacation/trip that starts... tomorrow.
I'm living "on the edge". And I like it.
I credit this in part to the relationship I'm in. I'm with an individual who encourages me to live a life apart from him, yet is never afraid to tell me that he'd want to see me daily. He's athletic, so recognizes my need to exercise, even if it means spending more time away from him. He understands that I need to nourish my relationships with my family and friends, and in turn encourages me to engage with them often, separate from him. Yet, he never fails to include me his activities with his friends, and his family, and lets me know daily that he appreciates me. All of this has made the relationship easy, and life less regretful.
I'm living "on the edge". And I like it.
I credit this in part to the relationship I'm in. I'm with an individual who encourages me to live a life apart from him, yet is never afraid to tell me that he'd want to see me daily. He's athletic, so recognizes my need to exercise, even if it means spending more time away from him. He understands that I need to nourish my relationships with my family and friends, and in turn encourages me to engage with them often, separate from him. Yet, he never fails to include me his activities with his friends, and his family, and lets me know daily that he appreciates me. All of this has made the relationship easy, and life less regretful.
Monday, October 17
Oct 17 2011
I'm pent up frustrated. If my head were a balloon over an overheated glass bottle, my head would have exploded just now. I've learned over the last couple of years that I can be very vocal about what I need in order to get my job done - I do not have the patience to listen to, or sympathize, with whatever the excuses may be. I'm the person people think they can use/abuse mostly because I seem nice/innocent, but if I have a job to get done, and if an individual puts me in a position where I'm the scapegoat, I will put that person on the block - and let them know what's what. I don't play favoritism, and I don't particular want to play nice, and frankly, I don't care to be liked by everyone - I just want to get my work done and go home, and not have nightmares about what I still have yet to finish.
People better watch out, mid-November is not the time to mess with me... Angela on a rampage is not a pretty sight.
People better watch out, mid-November is not the time to mess with me... Angela on a rampage is not a pretty sight.
Thursday, October 13
Oct 13 2011
Today was my second day of crossfit. Second day of a regular crossfit class. Basics gave me a short and sweet taste of the exercise program, but did not fully prepare me for the intensity that is CrossFit. Part of the intrigue is that I'm challenged beyond my own perceived limitations, and the best part is the encouragement that you do not get at a "conventional" gym setting. People will run the extra 400m with you to make sure you finish your timed workout for the day (from here on out, what I'll refer to as WOD), and compliment on good, proper form. It's the type of setting I need: the structure of a classroom setting, and the people to push me to go the extra repetition, and struggle through the same workout.
At the standard gym, most people turn a blind eye when they see someone struggle to figure out proper use of exercise machines. Crossfit is bare basics, barbells, dumb bells, body weight exercises. I'm excited, because I'm challenged, and I think I love it. I'm hurting in places I didn't think could hurt, and I'm not crying to quit. It's a beautiful thing to be so enthusiastic about something I know I'll stick to, and I know I will perform well at.
Tomorrow will be a day of rest, hopefully this numb left arm will heal by then, and I'll do a Saturday morning session. I cannot look at the blog anymore, because seeing the WOD beforehand makes me fear going to class. No cherry picking here!
At the standard gym, most people turn a blind eye when they see someone struggle to figure out proper use of exercise machines. Crossfit is bare basics, barbells, dumb bells, body weight exercises. I'm excited, because I'm challenged, and I think I love it. I'm hurting in places I didn't think could hurt, and I'm not crying to quit. It's a beautiful thing to be so enthusiastic about something I know I'll stick to, and I know I will perform well at.
Tomorrow will be a day of rest, hopefully this numb left arm will heal by then, and I'll do a Saturday morning session. I cannot look at the blog anymore, because seeing the WOD beforehand makes me fear going to class. No cherry picking here!
Wednesday, October 12
Oct 12 2011
I don't have time... but I do have time to rant.
If I say "no", it really doesn't mean try to convince me otherwise. If I tell you I don't have time, it really means I don't have an hour to spend sitting through a demonstration for something I'm really not all that interested in.
You're trying to convince me to take my lunch to go see a demonstration on facial products, when I specifically said I don't use anything other than sunscreen, and a mineral veil, if that even. To make matters worse, the very individuals presenting this information do not have skin I'd covet, so why then, would I willingly spend my one measly hour away from my desk (if I even decide to step away from my desk) to sit through an hour presentation on how to care for my face, when really, it doesn't seem like you do? I started using sunscreen religiously about two years ago, anti-aging night creams, and elixirs in the last year because it's never too early to reduce the signs of aging, and you're trying to tell me there are other products I need to slather on top to make it better? If you comment on how my skin looks flawless, and I tell you I use nothing, why would you suggest otherwise, when it's fairly obvious that the more products you use, the more likely my skin, if not yours, will react to them, negatively?
(I use the term 'you' to refer to the broader universe, not the specific person who brought about my need to convey my thoughts on the subject of my face, or facial products...)
If I say "no", it really doesn't mean try to convince me otherwise. If I tell you I don't have time, it really means I don't have an hour to spend sitting through a demonstration for something I'm really not all that interested in.
You're trying to convince me to take my lunch to go see a demonstration on facial products, when I specifically said I don't use anything other than sunscreen, and a mineral veil, if that even. To make matters worse, the very individuals presenting this information do not have skin I'd covet, so why then, would I willingly spend my one measly hour away from my desk (if I even decide to step away from my desk) to sit through an hour presentation on how to care for my face, when really, it doesn't seem like you do? I started using sunscreen religiously about two years ago, anti-aging night creams, and elixirs in the last year because it's never too early to reduce the signs of aging, and you're trying to tell me there are other products I need to slather on top to make it better? If you comment on how my skin looks flawless, and I tell you I use nothing, why would you suggest otherwise, when it's fairly obvious that the more products you use, the more likely my skin, if not yours, will react to them, negatively?
(I use the term 'you' to refer to the broader universe, not the specific person who brought about my need to convey my thoughts on the subject of my face, or facial products...)
Tuesday, October 11
Oct 11 2011
On the cusp of my twenty-eighth birthday, I feel it necessary to reflect on the short life that I have lived. Just last night, sitting at the dinner table, I started a statement with “when I grow up”, and quickly realized that in my late 20s, most would view me as already grown up. In my mind’s eye, with living parents, still very able-bodied, I continue to cry to my parents when I struggle with things that I figure they would be able to “fix”. I have a mortgage, not like many of my peers, started to save for retirement in my early twenties, and calculate to the penny how my monthly paycheck will be spent in order to “make ends meet”. Even with these responsibilities, I feel I’m too far behind. This week saw the passing of the visionary behind Apple Computers, Steve Jobs – someone who forged a path that affected the lives of many.
I, too, want to make an impact, but I allow fear to be my crutch, to be my excuse for every inaction. Steve Jobs once said, “You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever…. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it… Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
As with life, I think I have years and years left to live. In some respects I want to save some part of myself, my savings, my adventures for later, for when I have time, or the means to do so, but Steve Jobs’ commencement speech at Stanford sums it up well. I should live each day without fear, and as though it were my last, because I don’t want to be at my deathbed wishing I had done something different. As sad as it is to admit, I fear I have wasted a portion of my life, doing what others wanted me to do, making decisions based solely on the opinions of others, instead of listening to my own intuition. I’m happy to say that I finally found my own voice, and I’m going to listen to it.
Lastly, to the one person who has made me strive to be a better person, every day - Happy 4 months. It seems like I've known you for an eternity, and I don't really wonder what life would be like if we decided not to start this journey together. Because, honestly, I cannot imagine what everyday would be like without ending it in your arms.
I, too, want to make an impact, but I allow fear to be my crutch, to be my excuse for every inaction. Steve Jobs once said, “You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever…. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it… Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
As with life, I think I have years and years left to live. In some respects I want to save some part of myself, my savings, my adventures for later, for when I have time, or the means to do so, but Steve Jobs’ commencement speech at Stanford sums it up well. I should live each day without fear, and as though it were my last, because I don’t want to be at my deathbed wishing I had done something different. As sad as it is to admit, I fear I have wasted a portion of my life, doing what others wanted me to do, making decisions based solely on the opinions of others, instead of listening to my own intuition. I’m happy to say that I finally found my own voice, and I’m going to listen to it.
Lastly, to the one person who has made me strive to be a better person, every day - Happy 4 months. It seems like I've known you for an eternity, and I don't really wonder what life would be like if we decided not to start this journey together. Because, honestly, I cannot imagine what everyday would be like without ending it in your arms.
Wednesday, August 3
Aug 3, 2011
I'm getting off at my usual freeway exit to work in the morning, and I see the same older, homeless man at his usual posting spot. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Today, though, was different. As I stopped for the second time at the same light, I see the man hurriedly stash away his sign behind some shrubbery along the fence, and dash across the street. Seeing this as a bit unusual, I continued to watch him. The man had crossed the street to take a call... on his cell phone.
... to get a cell phone with service, he would have had to set up a billing address, and probably had a credit check run.... probably not homeless...
Today, though, was different. As I stopped for the second time at the same light, I see the man hurriedly stash away his sign behind some shrubbery along the fence, and dash across the street. Seeing this as a bit unusual, I continued to watch him. The man had crossed the street to take a call... on his cell phone.
... to get a cell phone with service, he would have had to set up a billing address, and probably had a credit check run.... probably not homeless...
Friday, July 15
Jul 15, 2011
I love busy schedules:
AIDs Walk Orientation - 10-12P
Race packet pick-up - before 2PM
Garden BBQ - @ Parm's - 2PM
Airport - 5:30P
YES!
Me loves
Sunday will be nice and relaxed, 6AM to get to AIDs Walk at 7:15A... then home.
What a great weekend. I cannot wait.
It's only Friday night.. and I'm at home. Loner status, love it!
AIDs Walk Orientation - 10-12P
Race packet pick-up - before 2PM
Garden BBQ - @ Parm's - 2PM
Airport - 5:30P
YES!
Me loves
Sunday will be nice and relaxed, 6AM to get to AIDs Walk at 7:15A... then home.
What a great weekend. I cannot wait.
It's only Friday night.. and I'm at home. Loner status, love it!
Saturday, April 9
Apr 9, 2011
I'm 28 this year, and I feel like I'm just starting to figure out what I want from life. I've spent too many years of my life constantly trying to please other people. Always too afraid that who I really am would never be enough. I always need a second opinion, always wanted to get confirmation that my decisions were okay. I've always prided myself in being independent, someone who did not need to depend on others, yet I second-guess every decision I make, needing confirmation because I was never sure what I would be doing would be okay (with other people). I am just someone who never got comfortable in her own skin. 28 years of life, and I have yet to be comfortable. I've never been good enough. I needed to be... Smarter. Thinner. Fatter. More outgoing. Less talkative. All contradictions, just to say that I was never just enough. And just shy of my 30s, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like I am fine the way that I am.
I'm starting the rest of my life today. And I don't want to waste another moment believing that the only way to happiness is pleasing other people, or tiptoeing around their feelings as though mine were somehow less significant.....
I'm starting the rest of my life today. And I don't want to waste another moment believing that the only way to happiness is pleasing other people, or tiptoeing around their feelings as though mine were somehow less significant.....
Monday, March 14
Mar 14, 2011
It's already March, and about a year and 3 months since I started at this current position. Would it be horrible if I tell you, I feel like I'm suffocating here. For the past 4 months, I've covered two positions completely, I inquired about a raise, and was told that I could probably get it, but only until they fill the position... it would be a temporary raise. From all that I've heard, gossip or other, there's really no growth here. Most of the employees are lifers, and looking no further... not for education or other... I like that they're paying for my classes as I take them, and am grateful for any monetary assistance I can get... but I still think a raise would be nice. I want to be challenged, but not with just more paperwork, something fulfilling, not something that just takes more than 8+ hours to complete... something rewarding. I want more work, more thought provoking work, not work that someone else gave me with "just copy the previous work it never changes"... and cannot explain to me why I'm doing what I am doing.
... a position opened up at the local energy company, and the position is in a group very similar, if not the same, as the one I'm currently working in. I have a friend who has been at the company since we graduated, and he seems to enjoy the work culture very much, has even tried to coerce me to leave previous positions to work there with him. I think it's time to consider this move.
... a position opened up at the local energy company, and the position is in a group very similar, if not the same, as the one I'm currently working in. I have a friend who has been at the company since we graduated, and he seems to enjoy the work culture very much, has even tried to coerce me to leave previous positions to work there with him. I think it's time to consider this move.
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