I talked to some friends, some GOOD friends tonight, and I feel much better, much, much better. I couldn't convince myself to talk to other people, nor did I want to burden people with my sorry situation, but really I didn't know who else to turn to.
One after the other, they sympathized, understood, and wanted to help. One offered sympathy and understanding of how I should feel, both angry and upset, another understood on a deeper level what I was going through, why I am justified to feel the way that I am, and offered without realizing it, sympathy that I really needed. She reaffirmed thoughts I already knew... but told me, without my telling her, what I told other people about our relationship. Yet another, offered, suggested an alternative solution, something I wouldn't have even considered, but the fact that he offered, I am grateful.
He has great friends, and I'm grateful that they are mine, too.
Wednesday, March 10
Monday, March 8
Mar 8, 2010
A part of me knows that this is the end. Another part is hoping that this is just a phase.
We've had situations like this before, and we were somehow able to fix whatever it was that bothered either of us.
This time though, without cause or reason, he is ignoring me. It's been a whole week since he last spoke to me. He has not returned my phone calls, my emails, or my text messages. He didn't even send me a text expressing his annoyance with my 30 phone calls in less than 10 minutes. I know I sound like a crazy obsessive, I really am not. The last time this happened, at about the 10th or so call, he at least sent me a text message telling me to stop calling. This time, nothing. No response.
Can a three year relationship really just end like this? Without any real argument, or disagreement, can it all just go down the drain because he's decided to start ignoring me for whatever fault of mine he has discovered over the course of a 24 hour period? I haven't cheated, and we haven't had an outright, argument with lots of yelling....
He's ignored me for a whole week now. If you've happened upon my blog, you're probably wondering why I would even consider subjecting myself to the sort of torture this has seemed to cause me. At a week, I do think that it is rude, and disrespectful, regardless of his feelings/emotions. If he thought anything of the relationship, he should have the decency to at least let me in on his frustrations, whether they are with me. It isn't fair for him to treat me this way, but I don't know what going on in his head. I do know that when he gets angry, he tends to shut down, and becomes very isolated. He won't talk to anyone, and won't see anyone. Usually with time, he comes around. And usually, I don't have the patience to wait around for weeks for him to figure out what is bothering him. I want to know, and I want to know right NOW. He's very passive-aggressive, and I am very forward. We're kind of complete opposites when it comes to our personalities, but for the most part we've been a very good pair.
Every time I consider just letting it all go, whether he calls, I plan not to do anything about it, but I am reminded of the saying that "for anything worth having, it's worth fighting for". And when I think about the overall relationship, I am content, I am comfortable, and no, not just settling. I have the confidence in myself to know that I can find someone else, but I really don't want to, even if I could. I like what I have, and I plan to make it work, if I can. I just think I deserve a chance to put in that effort, and I don't think ignoring me, or the situation necessarily solves the problem, or gives either of us a chance to work at it. I'm sure he'd agree that he's happy with us, a majority of the time, it's those random moments that he'd really wish for us to be more exciting, etc. I think he expects us to be the couple that is always infatuated, but that's seldom the truth. There are very few couples that are constantly in a state of infatuation... some, but definitely not the majority.
Anyway, if you're reading this, pray that things will eventually come around. Thank you.
We've had situations like this before, and we were somehow able to fix whatever it was that bothered either of us.
This time though, without cause or reason, he is ignoring me. It's been a whole week since he last spoke to me. He has not returned my phone calls, my emails, or my text messages. He didn't even send me a text expressing his annoyance with my 30 phone calls in less than 10 minutes. I know I sound like a crazy obsessive, I really am not. The last time this happened, at about the 10th or so call, he at least sent me a text message telling me to stop calling. This time, nothing. No response.
Can a three year relationship really just end like this? Without any real argument, or disagreement, can it all just go down the drain because he's decided to start ignoring me for whatever fault of mine he has discovered over the course of a 24 hour period? I haven't cheated, and we haven't had an outright, argument with lots of yelling....
He's ignored me for a whole week now. If you've happened upon my blog, you're probably wondering why I would even consider subjecting myself to the sort of torture this has seemed to cause me. At a week, I do think that it is rude, and disrespectful, regardless of his feelings/emotions. If he thought anything of the relationship, he should have the decency to at least let me in on his frustrations, whether they are with me. It isn't fair for him to treat me this way, but I don't know what going on in his head. I do know that when he gets angry, he tends to shut down, and becomes very isolated. He won't talk to anyone, and won't see anyone. Usually with time, he comes around. And usually, I don't have the patience to wait around for weeks for him to figure out what is bothering him. I want to know, and I want to know right NOW. He's very passive-aggressive, and I am very forward. We're kind of complete opposites when it comes to our personalities, but for the most part we've been a very good pair.
Every time I consider just letting it all go, whether he calls, I plan not to do anything about it, but I am reminded of the saying that "for anything worth having, it's worth fighting for". And when I think about the overall relationship, I am content, I am comfortable, and no, not just settling. I have the confidence in myself to know that I can find someone else, but I really don't want to, even if I could. I like what I have, and I plan to make it work, if I can. I just think I deserve a chance to put in that effort, and I don't think ignoring me, or the situation necessarily solves the problem, or gives either of us a chance to work at it. I'm sure he'd agree that he's happy with us, a majority of the time, it's those random moments that he'd really wish for us to be more exciting, etc. I think he expects us to be the couple that is always infatuated, but that's seldom the truth. There are very few couples that are constantly in a state of infatuation... some, but definitely not the majority.
Anyway, if you're reading this, pray that things will eventually come around. Thank you.
Mar 8, 2010
I feel very out of the loop. I don't often feel this way, but when I do, I find myself in a frenzy. I go insanely mad in my head, and I don't mean literally.
I'm a thinker, and always have been. I ponder the wonders of the world, the why's, how's, what if's and everything in between. My mother use to tell me, with happy reminiscence that when I was young, my aunt's father in law, who they lived with when I was a tiny tot, would go outside to garden and what not to tend to the yard, and they would leave me in a room with a small bowl of grapes, and they would see me, through the window, play with those grapes for hours on end. Fascinated by them, I'd presume. I was very much self-entertained. My mother had worked in a sewing company in my pre-school years, and at the time, my parents were unable to afford daycare, or maybe it was that they didn't know about it, didn't trust it... well whatever it was, my mom would take me to work with her, but children weren't allowed at work. This may have been more legal than anything else, so they would leave me in these huge garment bins, on top of fabric or something, and when people came to do their quality control checks on various orders, they would tell me to be very quiet, and they would cover the bin with cardboard - everyone loved me because I was especially obedient. I was, in my mother's words, very easy to take care of.
With all of that being said, this last week has been really difficult for me. My boyfriend of almost 3 years has for no obvious reason(s) has stopped returning my calls, emails, and texts. I guess I only became aware of this when he didn't text me as usual when he got home. I figured he just forgot, as I usually do, so I sent a text to inquire. No response. I had a vague idea that he was upset, but I didn't think it was anything serious. You see, he and I live in different cities, about 80-90 miles between, so our relationship is very much a long distance relationship. Of course, we've had our routine spats, usually from his discontent, that I live too far, and at the end of it, he's gone back to his contentedness with the relationship. We don't have many fights, but as all couples, when we do it's BIG. Most of them are due to miscommunication on one or both of our parts, but after many consistent phone calls, one of us usually decides it's okay to talk again. I've stopped the ignoring phone call bit since the very beginning of the relationship, but since I've stopped, he has picked it up. I suppose as a sort of revenge, and what not, but over the years, it's become something per usual whenever he's angry.
You see, my boyfriend is very much a shy person. He has many friends, but most of them are friends of other friends, and by association his. He has never been one to be center of attention, or does he want to be, very often he's the one guy in the group that doesn't really seem to belong. He's always been that way, and is content with this. Sometimes, my friends and his friends' friends see this as being snotty. Those who know him better know that this is just his personality, not his display of feeling superior to others. With that being said, when he gets angry, he tends to shut people out, he doesn't get angry/upset very often, but when he does, usually it's with me. With most other people, he doesn't think it's worth his time to even ponder being upset. In his words, he could care less what he/she thinks of him, and that he reciprocates.
Now take into consideration that we're long distance, and his tendencies to hide when he's upset, and you have, in my opinion, a formula for disaster. Now couple that with my tendency to do mental somersalts, and you've got a crisis.
It's kind of funny how this whole thing is happening. I see myself doing one thing, but ultimately find myself talked out of it, and doing something entirely different. I guess I should explain, else you'd be confused, and wonder whether I've already digressed from my original topic. When these events happen, especially ever since he's decided to pick up that poor habit of mine of ignoring his phone calls whenever I was angry, I promise that this only happened at the very beginning of the relationship, when I was very much still an immature individual, claiming to be otherwise, I tend to go over every event that could have caused the situation, but this usually starts with every possible worst case scenario that you can think of. My very first thought, unlike my good friend/high school bud/excollege house mate/current coworker, was that he had decided without any obvious reason to break things off. This thought comes with justification, this has happened before and he would ponder why I even wanted him around anymore, because it seemed obvious that I really didn't need him in this relationship. My friends and coworkers, both past and present, zero in on the fact that the situation seems to have risen out of the blue, and their very first question, verbatim "Are you SURE everything's okay? Did he make it home okay that night??" I kid you not, this very sequence of questions were posed 4 different times by 4 different people who had no idea I had confided in others.
I guess I'm really just looking for an excuse, a reason to believe that maybe there is hope. I want there to be hope. I've spent the last couple of years with this person, and have felt more comfortable in my own skin with him than I have ever felt with anyone. I never feel as though I need to be on my toes with him, nor do I feel like he consciously judges me, or compares me to other women, or even wishes me to be more like other people. Save for those rare occasions where he's bugged by the fact that other friends' girlfriends are extremely outwardly affectionate, and he wishes I would be more so. The only caveat is that he and I have never had a serious relationship about our relationship, about how we truly feel about each other, or where we want our relationship to go... except for the times when we get into an argument/disagreement/fight where we are forced to confront those feelings. I think what he and I really need is face time, and to discuss these things. After this time of reflection, I feel as though he and I need this time, outside of argument/fight/whatever this is to discuss. When we're both in a good mood, where things aren't said just to be said to verbally hurt the other person.
I'm a thinker, and always have been. I ponder the wonders of the world, the why's, how's, what if's and everything in between. My mother use to tell me, with happy reminiscence that when I was young, my aunt's father in law, who they lived with when I was a tiny tot, would go outside to garden and what not to tend to the yard, and they would leave me in a room with a small bowl of grapes, and they would see me, through the window, play with those grapes for hours on end. Fascinated by them, I'd presume. I was very much self-entertained. My mother had worked in a sewing company in my pre-school years, and at the time, my parents were unable to afford daycare, or maybe it was that they didn't know about it, didn't trust it... well whatever it was, my mom would take me to work with her, but children weren't allowed at work. This may have been more legal than anything else, so they would leave me in these huge garment bins, on top of fabric or something, and when people came to do their quality control checks on various orders, they would tell me to be very quiet, and they would cover the bin with cardboard - everyone loved me because I was especially obedient. I was, in my mother's words, very easy to take care of.
With all of that being said, this last week has been really difficult for me. My boyfriend of almost 3 years has for no obvious reason(s) has stopped returning my calls, emails, and texts. I guess I only became aware of this when he didn't text me as usual when he got home. I figured he just forgot, as I usually do, so I sent a text to inquire. No response. I had a vague idea that he was upset, but I didn't think it was anything serious. You see, he and I live in different cities, about 80-90 miles between, so our relationship is very much a long distance relationship. Of course, we've had our routine spats, usually from his discontent, that I live too far, and at the end of it, he's gone back to his contentedness with the relationship. We don't have many fights, but as all couples, when we do it's BIG. Most of them are due to miscommunication on one or both of our parts, but after many consistent phone calls, one of us usually decides it's okay to talk again. I've stopped the ignoring phone call bit since the very beginning of the relationship, but since I've stopped, he has picked it up. I suppose as a sort of revenge, and what not, but over the years, it's become something per usual whenever he's angry.
You see, my boyfriend is very much a shy person. He has many friends, but most of them are friends of other friends, and by association his. He has never been one to be center of attention, or does he want to be, very often he's the one guy in the group that doesn't really seem to belong. He's always been that way, and is content with this. Sometimes, my friends and his friends' friends see this as being snotty. Those who know him better know that this is just his personality, not his display of feeling superior to others. With that being said, when he gets angry, he tends to shut people out, he doesn't get angry/upset very often, but when he does, usually it's with me. With most other people, he doesn't think it's worth his time to even ponder being upset. In his words, he could care less what he/she thinks of him, and that he reciprocates.
Now take into consideration that we're long distance, and his tendencies to hide when he's upset, and you have, in my opinion, a formula for disaster. Now couple that with my tendency to do mental somersalts, and you've got a crisis.
It's kind of funny how this whole thing is happening. I see myself doing one thing, but ultimately find myself talked out of it, and doing something entirely different. I guess I should explain, else you'd be confused, and wonder whether I've already digressed from my original topic. When these events happen, especially ever since he's decided to pick up that poor habit of mine of ignoring his phone calls whenever I was angry, I promise that this only happened at the very beginning of the relationship, when I was very much still an immature individual, claiming to be otherwise, I tend to go over every event that could have caused the situation, but this usually starts with every possible worst case scenario that you can think of. My very first thought, unlike my good friend/high school bud/excollege house mate/current coworker, was that he had decided without any obvious reason to break things off. This thought comes with justification, this has happened before and he would ponder why I even wanted him around anymore, because it seemed obvious that I really didn't need him in this relationship. My friends and coworkers, both past and present, zero in on the fact that the situation seems to have risen out of the blue, and their very first question, verbatim "Are you SURE everything's okay? Did he make it home okay that night??" I kid you not, this very sequence of questions were posed 4 different times by 4 different people who had no idea I had confided in others.
I guess I'm really just looking for an excuse, a reason to believe that maybe there is hope. I want there to be hope. I've spent the last couple of years with this person, and have felt more comfortable in my own skin with him than I have ever felt with anyone. I never feel as though I need to be on my toes with him, nor do I feel like he consciously judges me, or compares me to other women, or even wishes me to be more like other people. Save for those rare occasions where he's bugged by the fact that other friends' girlfriends are extremely outwardly affectionate, and he wishes I would be more so. The only caveat is that he and I have never had a serious relationship about our relationship, about how we truly feel about each other, or where we want our relationship to go... except for the times when we get into an argument/disagreement/fight where we are forced to confront those feelings. I think what he and I really need is face time, and to discuss these things. After this time of reflection, I feel as though he and I need this time, outside of argument/fight/whatever this is to discuss. When we're both in a good mood, where things aren't said just to be said to verbally hurt the other person.
Tuesday, March 2
Mar 2, 2010
I've been on and off active, if that's even possible. For the most part, I've been pretty consistent with this Insanity workout program, but on the weekends, I find that I give myself an excuse to fall off the wagon. I call it... my cheat day. This will usually drag for a day or two after, until I realize I really should not be eating that way for being almost entirely inactive.
The last couple of days have been rough on my body, I find that the 8-9 hours of sleep that I am now allowing myself (albeit, instead of getting up at 5:30 in the morning to go through the hour long Insanity workout) does not do my body the justice that I thought it would. I plan to leave work quasi-early again today, and perform the workout that was scheduled for Friday. Instead, I'll push back my fit test that is scheduled for today for my off day on Monday, and continue on. Hopefully the lack of exercise does not set back any of my gains, I fear the chocolate binge recently will have definitely done its harm.
Lots of water, and hopefully I will come out a winner!
The last couple of days have been rough on my body, I find that the 8-9 hours of sleep that I am now allowing myself (albeit, instead of getting up at 5:30 in the morning to go through the hour long Insanity workout) does not do my body the justice that I thought it would. I plan to leave work quasi-early again today, and perform the workout that was scheduled for Friday. Instead, I'll push back my fit test that is scheduled for today for my off day on Monday, and continue on. Hopefully the lack of exercise does not set back any of my gains, I fear the chocolate binge recently will have definitely done its harm.
Lots of water, and hopefully I will come out a winner!
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