I feel very out of the loop. I don't often feel this way, but when I do, I find myself in a frenzy. I go insanely mad in my head, and I don't mean literally.
I'm a thinker, and always have been. I ponder the wonders of the world, the why's, how's, what if's and everything in between. My mother use to tell me, with happy reminiscence that when I was young, my aunt's father in law, who they lived with when I was a tiny tot, would go outside to garden and what not to tend to the yard, and they would leave me in a room with a small bowl of grapes, and they would see me, through the window, play with those grapes for hours on end. Fascinated by them, I'd presume. I was very much self-entertained. My mother had worked in a sewing company in my pre-school years, and at the time, my parents were unable to afford daycare, or maybe it was that they didn't know about it, didn't trust it... well whatever it was, my mom would take me to work with her, but children weren't allowed at work. This may have been more legal than anything else, so they would leave me in these huge garment bins, on top of fabric or something, and when people came to do their quality control checks on various orders, they would tell me to be very quiet, and they would cover the bin with cardboard - everyone loved me because I was especially obedient. I was, in my mother's words, very easy to take care of.
With all of that being said, this last week has been really difficult for me. My boyfriend of almost 3 years has for no obvious reason(s) has stopped returning my calls, emails, and texts. I guess I only became aware of this when he didn't text me as usual when he got home. I figured he just forgot, as I usually do, so I sent a text to inquire. No response. I had a vague idea that he was upset, but I didn't think it was anything serious. You see, he and I live in different cities, about 80-90 miles between, so our relationship is very much a long distance relationship. Of course, we've had our routine spats, usually from his discontent, that I live too far, and at the end of it, he's gone back to his contentedness with the relationship. We don't have many fights, but as all couples, when we do it's BIG. Most of them are due to miscommunication on one or both of our parts, but after many consistent phone calls, one of us usually decides it's okay to talk again. I've stopped the ignoring phone call bit since the very beginning of the relationship, but since I've stopped, he has picked it up. I suppose as a sort of revenge, and what not, but over the years, it's become something per usual whenever he's angry.
You see, my boyfriend is very much a shy person. He has many friends, but most of them are friends of other friends, and by association his. He has never been one to be center of attention, or does he want to be, very often he's the one guy in the group that doesn't really seem to belong. He's always been that way, and is content with this. Sometimes, my friends and his friends' friends see this as being snotty. Those who know him better know that this is just his personality, not his display of feeling superior to others. With that being said, when he gets angry, he tends to shut people out, he doesn't get angry/upset very often, but when he does, usually it's with me. With most other people, he doesn't think it's worth his time to even ponder being upset. In his words, he could care less what he/she thinks of him, and that he reciprocates.
Now take into consideration that we're long distance, and his tendencies to hide when he's upset, and you have, in my opinion, a formula for disaster. Now couple that with my tendency to do mental somersalts, and you've got a crisis.
It's kind of funny how this whole thing is happening. I see myself doing one thing, but ultimately find myself talked out of it, and doing something entirely different. I guess I should explain, else you'd be confused, and wonder whether I've already digressed from my original topic. When these events happen, especially ever since he's decided to pick up that poor habit of mine of ignoring his phone calls whenever I was angry, I promise that this only happened at the very beginning of the relationship, when I was very much still an immature individual, claiming to be otherwise, I tend to go over every event that could have caused the situation, but this usually starts with every possible worst case scenario that you can think of. My very first thought, unlike my good friend/high school bud/excollege house mate/current coworker, was that he had decided without any obvious reason to break things off. This thought comes with justification, this has happened before and he would ponder why I even wanted him around anymore, because it seemed obvious that I really didn't need him in this relationship. My friends and coworkers, both past and present, zero in on the fact that the situation seems to have risen out of the blue, and their very first question, verbatim "Are you SURE everything's okay? Did he make it home okay that night??" I kid you not, this very sequence of questions were posed 4 different times by 4 different people who had no idea I had confided in others.
I guess I'm really just looking for an excuse, a reason to believe that maybe there is hope. I want there to be hope. I've spent the last couple of years with this person, and have felt more comfortable in my own skin with him than I have ever felt with anyone. I never feel as though I need to be on my toes with him, nor do I feel like he consciously judges me, or compares me to other women, or even wishes me to be more like other people. Save for those rare occasions where he's bugged by the fact that other friends' girlfriends are extremely outwardly affectionate, and he wishes I would be more so. The only caveat is that he and I have never had a serious relationship about our relationship, about how we truly feel about each other, or where we want our relationship to go... except for the times when we get into an argument/disagreement/fight where we are forced to confront those feelings. I think what he and I really need is face time, and to discuss these things. After this time of reflection, I feel as though he and I need this time, outside of argument/fight/whatever this is to discuss. When we're both in a good mood, where things aren't said just to be said to verbally hurt the other person.
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