Aug 31, 2010

It looks like them lucky pennies really are lucky. Let's hope for another couple of non-problematic weeks ahead, and a clear shot to finish! =D Will update again when it's all settled.

Aug 22, 2010

it could be a new beginning, life is brilliant - let's keep it going in this direction! i'm excited for what all of these new adventures will bring. heads up pennies for good luck!

Jun 30, 2010

Besides today being June 30th, not much else is exciting or new in my life. It's been two full months since my last blog post, and although my journal is void of visitors, I still find that writing into the open cyberspace comes freely.

In the last couple of months, a lot and very little has happened. The school has finally posted my final grades for my Spring class, and yes, oh yes, I got that A that I deserved! Class aside, I go about my day-to-day the same as always, but at the same time find that I am starting to find ways to incorporate more in the little time that I do have. Daylight savings might be the real reason though. I love that it's still light out at 8:00PM, and that the sun is peaking through at 5:30AM.

I'm not taking any courses over the summer, there's so much to do outdoors when the weather is nice, and the days are long, I definitely don't want to spend them indoors trying to memorize formulas and definitions. Unfortunately it will be back to the grind in another month or so. I want to take 6 units for the fall in order to get the discounted student's season pass to Northstar and Sierra (in the Winter), luckily one of the required courses is offered as a 6-month course. I can start a little early and get as much done as possible, then when my Fall class starts, hopefully, I won't have too many exams scheduled for the same day/week.

I'm definitely planning to take Intermediate Financial Accounting, because I've just finished both the Intro to Financial and Managerial Accounting courses this past Fall and Winter, so while the information is fresh, I want to complete all of the Financial Accounting courses, couple this with the taxation course that takes 6 months, and I'll have 6 units for the season's pass. Now, I should talk to my supervisor and manager about getting reimbursed for the accounting courses I'm taking through the Berkeley extension for the Accounting Certificate, and to sit for the CPA exam!

On a side note, I have an acquaintance-friend who has taken two parts of the CPA exam already, and has passed. Two more for her, and she's licensed... wish I had been more attuned earlier on! Imma keep on truckin'! =D

Apr 15, 2010

Health. Fitness. Fitness. Health. Health. Fitness. Both go hand in hand. Some people I've encountered seem to think they can do one without the other, do one to an extreme to compensate for a lack in the other, or in the most extreme of cases do neither, ie eat minimally, and excercise infrequently. I say eat minimally in the sense that they rarely eat breakfast, if at all, infrequently fits in lunch, "don't have enough time" or "I forget to eat", and eat a very, very small dinner, along the lines of "soup". This last option worked to an extent. You see the person's ribs, but no true definition, or tone.

Obviously for someone who has excercised from over-obsessively to a more well sustained schedule, I sometimes envy those who have the capability to deprive themselves to that extent, and are still able to sustain. This, though, is really a discussion for another day.

I've come to love exercise, and eating right was just something that I always wanted to do. You can almost say I have OCD when it comes to fitness/exercise. I've found a way to eat, what I considered, "right" - something like eating packets of oatmeals for lunch, lots of fruits (6-8 fruits before I even go home from work), and strictly veggies/tofu/white meat/fish for dinner. I did this for months, and ran 3-6 miles daily, obsessively. I went from a 115-120 frame to a 108-112 in a matter of months, but something didn't work. I was going to the gym during my lunch hour for pure cardio/weight training, and running an extra 3-6 miles at the end of the day, I was spending so much time focused on exercising that I often found ways to incorporate it even if I had a busy schedule....

... imagine taking 2 classes making near full grade points, working full time with a 1-2 hour commute daily, and still finding time to go to the gym for at least 1.5 hours a day. I woke up at 4:30AM each morning to work out just so I could get to work on time, and went to bed around 9-10PM. I spent a lot of time at the bookstore/coffee shop, and napped anytime and anywhere I could. Those 10 minute commutes to the train station... asleep in a minute.

There was even a time in between those two when I was unemployed... where I went to the gym once in the morning, and once in the evening, at least 1 hour per session, lifting and cardio. I developed some major calves from the machine assisted barbell squats/ leg press machines.

In all of this craziness, I think I finally found my medium. I try to go during lunch when I'm not studying for exams, and I definitely try to go after work/class to work in an hour of lifting and/or cardio. The way I eat has changed drastically in the last two weeks. I decided to go vegetarian. Lacto-ovo-pescatarian. I eat eggs, dairy, and fish. Some wouldn't consider that vegetarian, but that's what works for me. Putting a label on my preferred diet makes it easier for me to choose the foods I put in my body.

Mar 10, 2010

I talked to some friends, some GOOD friends tonight, and I feel much better, much, much better. I couldn't convince myself to talk to other people, nor did I want to burden people with my sorry situation, but really I didn't know who else to turn to.

One after the other, they sympathized, understood, and wanted to help. One offered sympathy and understanding of how I should feel, both angry and upset, another understood on a deeper level what I was going through, why I am justified to feel the way that I am, and offered without realizing it, sympathy that I really needed. She reaffirmed thoughts I already knew... but told me, without my telling her, what I told other people about our relationship. Yet another, offered, suggested an alternative solution, something I wouldn't have even considered, but the fact that he offered, I am grateful.

He has great friends, and I'm grateful that they are mine, too.

Mar 8, 2010

A part of me knows that this is the end. Another part is hoping that this is just a phase.

We've had situations like this before, and we were somehow able to fix whatever it was that bothered either of us.

This time though, without cause or reason, he is ignoring me. It's been a whole week since he last spoke to me. He has not returned my phone calls, my emails, or my text messages. He didn't even send me a text expressing his annoyance with my 30 phone calls in less than 10 minutes. I know I sound like a crazy obsessive, I really am not. The last time this happened, at about the 10th or so call, he at least sent me a text message telling me to stop calling. This time, nothing. No response.

Can a three year relationship really just end like this? Without any real argument, or disagreement, can it all just go down the drain because he's decided to start ignoring me for whatever fault of mine he has discovered over the course of a 24 hour period? I haven't cheated, and we haven't had an outright, argument with lots of yelling....

He's ignored me for a whole week now. If you've happened upon my blog, you're probably wondering why I would even consider subjecting myself to the sort of torture this has seemed to cause me. At a week, I do think that it is rude, and disrespectful, regardless of his feelings/emotions. If he thought anything of the relationship, he should have the decency to at least let me in on his frustrations, whether they are with me. It isn't fair for him to treat me this way, but I don't know what going on in his head. I do know that when he gets angry, he tends to shut down, and becomes very isolated. He won't talk to anyone, and won't see anyone. Usually with time, he comes around. And usually, I don't have the patience to wait around for weeks for him to figure out what is bothering him. I want to know, and I want to know right NOW. He's very passive-aggressive, and I am very forward. We're kind of complete opposites when it comes to our personalities, but for the most part we've been a very good pair.

Every time I consider just letting it all go, whether he calls, I plan not to do anything about it, but I am reminded of the saying that "for anything worth having, it's worth fighting for". And when I think about the overall relationship, I am content, I am comfortable, and no, not just settling. I have the confidence in myself to know that I can find someone else, but I really don't want to, even if I could. I like what I have, and I plan to make it work, if I can. I just think I deserve a chance to put in that effort, and I don't think ignoring me, or the situation necessarily solves the problem, or gives either of us a chance to work at it. I'm sure he'd agree that he's happy with us, a majority of the time, it's those random moments that he'd really wish for us to be more exciting, etc. I think he expects us to be the couple that is always infatuated, but that's seldom the truth. There are very few couples that are constantly in a state of infatuation... some, but definitely not the majority.

Anyway, if you're reading this, pray that things will eventually come around. Thank you.

Mar 8, 2010

A little part of me has been dying every day since the last time....

Mar 8, 2010

I feel very out of the loop. I don't often feel this way, but when I do, I find myself in a frenzy. I go insanely mad in my head, and I don't mean literally.

I'm a thinker, and always have been. I ponder the wonders of the world, the why's, how's, what if's and everything in between. My mother use to tell me, with happy reminiscence that when I was young, my aunt's father in law, who they lived with when I was a tiny tot, would go outside to garden and what not to tend to the yard, and they would leave me in a room with a small bowl of grapes, and they would see me, through the window, play with those grapes for hours on end. Fascinated by them, I'd presume. I was very much self-entertained. My mother had worked in a sewing company in my pre-school years, and at the time, my parents were unable to afford daycare, or maybe it was that they didn't know about it, didn't trust it... well whatever it was, my mom would take me to work with her, but children weren't allowed at work. This may have been more legal than anything else, so they would leave me in these huge garment bins, on top of fabric or something, and when people came to do their quality control checks on various orders, they would tell me to be very quiet, and they would cover the bin with cardboard - everyone loved me because I was especially obedient. I was, in my mother's words, very easy to take care of.

With all of that being said, this last week has been really difficult for me. My boyfriend of almost 3 years has for no obvious reason(s) has stopped returning my calls, emails, and texts. I guess I only became aware of this when he didn't text me as usual when he got home. I figured he just forgot, as I usually do, so I sent a text to inquire. No response. I had a vague idea that he was upset, but I didn't think it was anything serious. You see, he and I live in different cities, about 80-90 miles between, so our relationship is very much a long distance relationship. Of course, we've had our routine spats, usually from his discontent, that I live too far, and at the end of it, he's gone back to his contentedness with the relationship. We don't have many fights, but as all couples, when we do it's BIG. Most of them are due to miscommunication on one or both of our parts, but after many consistent phone calls, one of us usually decides it's okay to talk again. I've stopped the ignoring phone call bit since the very beginning of the relationship, but since I've stopped, he has picked it up. I suppose as a sort of revenge, and what not, but over the years, it's become something per usual whenever he's angry.

You see, my boyfriend is very much a shy person. He has many friends, but most of them are friends of other friends, and by association his. He has never been one to be center of attention, or does he want to be, very often he's the one guy in the group that doesn't really seem to belong. He's always been that way, and is content with this. Sometimes, my friends and his friends' friends see this as being snotty. Those who know him better know that this is just his personality, not his display of feeling superior to others. With that being said, when he gets angry, he tends to shut people out, he doesn't get angry/upset very often, but when he does, usually it's with me. With most other people, he doesn't think it's worth his time to even ponder being upset. In his words, he could care less what he/she thinks of him, and that he reciprocates.

Now take into consideration that we're long distance, and his tendencies to hide when he's upset, and you have, in my opinion, a formula for disaster. Now couple that with my tendency to do mental somersalts, and you've got a crisis.

It's kind of funny how this whole thing is happening. I see myself doing one thing, but ultimately find myself talked out of it, and doing something entirely different. I guess I should explain, else you'd be confused, and wonder whether I've already digressed from my original topic. When these events happen, especially ever since he's decided to pick up that poor habit of mine of ignoring his phone calls whenever I was angry, I promise that this only happened at the very beginning of the relationship, when I was very much still an immature individual, claiming to be otherwise, I tend to go over every event that could have caused the situation, but this usually starts with every possible worst case scenario that you can think of. My very first thought, unlike my good friend/high school bud/excollege house mate/current coworker, was that he had decided without any obvious reason to break things off. This thought comes with justification, this has happened before and he would ponder why I even wanted him around anymore, because it seemed obvious that I really didn't need him in this relationship. My friends and coworkers, both past and present, zero in on the fact that the situation seems to have risen out of the blue, and their very first question, verbatim "Are you SURE everything's okay? Did he make it home okay that night??" I kid you not, this very sequence of questions were posed 4 different times by 4 different people who had no idea I had confided in others.

I guess I'm really just looking for an excuse, a reason to believe that maybe there is hope. I want there to be hope. I've spent the last couple of years with this person, and have felt more comfortable in my own skin with him than I have ever felt with anyone. I never feel as though I need to be on my toes with him, nor do I feel like he consciously judges me, or compares me to other women, or even wishes me to be more like other people. Save for those rare occasions where he's bugged by the fact that other friends' girlfriends are extremely outwardly affectionate, and he wishes I would be more so. The only caveat is that he and I have never had a serious relationship about our relationship, about how we truly feel about each other, or where we want our relationship to go... except for the times when we get into an argument/disagreement/fight where we are forced to confront those feelings. I think what he and I really need is face time, and to discuss these things. After this time of reflection, I feel as though he and I need this time, outside of argument/fight/whatever this is to discuss. When we're both in a good mood, where things aren't said just to be said to verbally hurt the other person.

Mar 2, 2010

I've been on and off active, if that's even possible. For the most part, I've been pretty consistent with this Insanity workout program, but on the weekends, I find that I give myself an excuse to fall off the wagon. I call it... my cheat day. This will usually drag for a day or two after, until I realize I really should not be eating that way for being almost entirely inactive.

The last couple of days have been rough on my body, I find that the 8-9 hours of sleep that I am now allowing myself (albeit, instead of getting up at 5:30 in the morning to go through the hour long Insanity workout) does not do my body the justice that I thought it would. I plan to leave work quasi-early again today, and perform the workout that was scheduled for Friday. Instead, I'll push back my fit test that is scheduled for today for my off day on Monday, and continue on. Hopefully the lack of exercise does not set back any of my gains, I fear the chocolate binge recently will have definitely done its harm.

Lots of water, and hopefully I will come out a winner!

Feb 22, 2010

Since my early February post, I have found that I had lost the motivation to go to the gym, probably because I was overtraining my muscles, and was fatigued from the workouts, so instead have opted in on the Insanity workout program. I started about a week ago, and find myself thoroughly challenged. Prior to the workouts, I had been a gym rat - 1-2 hour sessions, after a daily 3 mile trek to and from my car to work, plus a relatively restricted diet, sometimes I would add in a 2-6 mile jog on the treadmill.

Now that I have started the workout program, I am eating more frequently, including more foods that I had once restricted/craved, and find that I am still losing the weight, fast. I am about 9 pounds from my short term goal weight, and am hopeful that this will happen before my goal date, in June.

Tomorrow is the beginning of week 2, Cardio Power and Resistance! I am excited for the arm workout portion. Have been looking forward to those v-pushups!

Feb 3, 2010

It seems two weeks is enough time to fully transform oneself - with the added bonus of 2-6 mile daily jogs, coupled with moderate to vigorous resistance training/weight lifting, I had lost 4 lbs in two weeks. My waist trimmed from a 29.5 to 28.5 in that same time, and with the help with a little brown bikini, I was able to gage whether I had any actual fitness gains in the past weeks.

Despite all of this, I had a piece of chocolate, poppyseed cake over the weekend, which led to a 2 day binge on all sorts of fat injested foods - 5 chocolate candy bars, 4 cupcakes, 2 slices of pizza, coldstone ice cream, in two sittings. I started both Monday and Tuesday on healthy notes, apple with non fat milk, followed by nonfat lattes from Starbucks, but by the end of both evenings, I wanted the sugar. Maybe it was the over-consumption of the foods that made me crave it more, and the more that I craved it, the less I was able to fight it off. I caved both nights, and felt awful afterwards - mentally I wanted to beat myself up for having put so much effort into getting this summer ready physique, only to have it all undone with a couple of cakes that weren't even satisfactory!

I have a strong will, and like they say, if there's a will, there's a way. I am planning to make an attempt at the gym again tonight. Let's hope the cupcakes do not call to me tonight, make that the cupcakes, pizza, cake, ice cream, or bread, and then I'll be a-ok. Just one day, and I will be home free!

Jan 18, 2010

I don't to make a statement about my lack of updates; however, it is good to note that since my fast, I had something of a fast food binge for a month or two straight. I started to reconcile those habits over my winter break from work. Working for the university system provides that sort of comfort, and it was much needed - after a quarter of classes, a lifestyle of unemployment to contract work at Genentech to move to a full time position much, much closer to home. Before I move onto more important goals in life for this year, and beyond, I want to reflect on the year past.

I started the year as an Associate at a financial services corporation, one where I truly believed in the ethics and morality of the company and its executives; however with the changing scope of the industry, as well as re-aligning the company with future goals, internal changes left me with a tough choice between moving to a new state to stay with the company, or to not move but at least a compensation package. You may have already guessed, I chose the latter. Looking back, it was the best decision I have made thus far. I had the pressures of a boyfriend about 100 miles away, plus the conversation about where the relationship would be going if I should decide to move - courtesy of a little birdie about choices I needed to make regarding my career. Ultimately having my boyfriend and my brother with me in the new location for a holiday weekend trip to Texas helped finalize my decision when I walked in the following Monday with my decision on a pre-drafted questionaire from Human Resources.

Since then, I have traveled to Vancouver, Canada, to the Midwest, and to Japan, all in a whim, all in a two month period. I had the opportunity to do the traveling, without taking time off, and I was being paid to do it... I saw the world, traveled alone, and had a great time doing it. You hear people say that they'd do it when they got the chance, but the thing is, chances don't just happen, you make them happen. If you wanted to do it, you create the opportunities to do them. When I came back, I realized, again, that my life's goal is to travel the world, to see the world, not just the monuments, or the things books tell you that you must visit. I want to see the world as the people see them - on a day to day basis. Of course, without money and security, I would not be able to do them, so here I am again, back to the grind, building what I hope will be the foundations for my next trip to the unknown.

For now, though, I want to set some goals for the new year - I want to lose all of this junk food weight that I had gained from my rather unsuccessful fasting period, of 1 week, and to gain a much more toned physique. My boyfriend once said that I should stop trying to compare myself with everyone else, all of my friends. To be honest, I don't try to do it, at all, it happens. I have it running in my head that these people were once much, much bigger than myself, and if they are able to lose weight to the point where their waist is much more trim than mine, then I, too, could do it, with some discipline. Without the constant reminders, from facebook, myspace and the like, really anything that updates me on their physical features, I would have no motivation to really get myself going. After binging on fast food for a month, getting out of bed, early in the morning, can be extremely exhausting, but with the motivation, I know that within a month's time, I'll be on my way to a bikini-ready bod. I know I can do it, I just need to stay focused.