Maybe I'm like every other GIRL out there...
For as long as I've been with my boyfriend, I have not complained, or even cared too much that he's constantly out with his friends, drinking and the like. And rarely do I care that I don't often hear from him on those nights, yesterday should not have been an exception; however, it hit me that for the last couple of days, I did not hear much from him. He lives about an hour's drive away from me, so I see him about once a week, if that, some weeks.
This didn't bother me, before.
It did last night. And it bothers me today, in a different manner though. One of my good guy friends, often, confided his relationship issues in me, and they usually revolved around his girlfriend getting mad about one thing or another, and it hit me that, it's likely that I'm behaving in the same manner that my guy friend's girlfriend behaves.
From a objective standpoint, it seems illogical to behave that way, but subjectively it seems I'm in the same boat, because ironically, the two of them are in the exact cities that my boyfriend and I are in. Eerie, no?
Anyhow, knowing what I know, and knowing the negative aspects of my being, I'm consciously telling myself I need to be a bigger person, and I need to be able to see the bigger picture... and as difficult as it seems, I'm proactively trying to change.
Me? Change? Scary, I know!
Friday, November 23
Tuesday, November 20
Nov 20, 2007
He sent lilies, from ProFlowers, in a shipping box, to work today.
Danny brought me the mail, and exclaimed that he had never seen anything like it.
=)
Danny brought me the mail, and exclaimed that he had never seen anything like it.
=)
Wednesday, November 14
Nov 14, 2007
naked baby day is coming up, and it'll be a year short of being 25. I've always imagined that being older would be more fun, but alas, I have neither experienced, or sadly, put myself in the position for a more thrilling lifestyle.
An older co-worker sent me a link to a government website to take a peek at federal jobs, and the Federal Bureau came up with potential positions. Although, a job is a job, it seems the more high-profile positions, with more risk are more attuned to my personality. I want more excitement, and I need something that will push me to be the best that I can be. I don't seem to get my fill here. I suppose I can give myself a couple more years working a relatively stable job, and then seek employment where there will be a little more excitement.
My last quote about mediocrity and American democracy seems to stretch across everything. Not only is everything becoming more streamlined, but it seems each individual, if you can even call them that anymore, have a relatively standard lifestyle, work 9-5, or 7-4 (whatever the hours are), gym for a couple of hours after work, dinner, then back to sleep to wake for yet another fun-filled day. Maybe it's not that there isn't any excitement, but rather our lack of motivation to exert more to reach that next level. For the most part, people drone on and on about how life sucks, and work sucks, but does anyone really do anything about it, other than complain? There's hope that that person, to whom each person complains, will be the reactor to that catalyst, when really, it seems, we should be proactively taking a part in the direction that our lives take... instead of relying on others.
Yet, at the same time, we, as Americans, have reached a new level of laziness. We settle for just about anything, and are content with what meets our minimum satisfaction. Why aren't we striving for what makes us most happy? Why aren't we doing what we can to achieve the most that we can?
Maybe it's our upbringing, and being humble, or maybe we're just too afraid to ask for what we really deserve, so we are content with what others decide we deserve. Or we're simple content with mediocrity.
Now that's a sad realization.
An older co-worker sent me a link to a government website to take a peek at federal jobs, and the Federal Bureau came up with potential positions. Although, a job is a job, it seems the more high-profile positions, with more risk are more attuned to my personality. I want more excitement, and I need something that will push me to be the best that I can be. I don't seem to get my fill here. I suppose I can give myself a couple more years working a relatively stable job, and then seek employment where there will be a little more excitement.
My last quote about mediocrity and American democracy seems to stretch across everything. Not only is everything becoming more streamlined, but it seems each individual, if you can even call them that anymore, have a relatively standard lifestyle, work 9-5, or 7-4 (whatever the hours are), gym for a couple of hours after work, dinner, then back to sleep to wake for yet another fun-filled day. Maybe it's not that there isn't any excitement, but rather our lack of motivation to exert more to reach that next level. For the most part, people drone on and on about how life sucks, and work sucks, but does anyone really do anything about it, other than complain? There's hope that that person, to whom each person complains, will be the reactor to that catalyst, when really, it seems, we should be proactively taking a part in the direction that our lives take... instead of relying on others.
Yet, at the same time, we, as Americans, have reached a new level of laziness. We settle for just about anything, and are content with what meets our minimum satisfaction. Why aren't we striving for what makes us most happy? Why aren't we doing what we can to achieve the most that we can?
Maybe it's our upbringing, and being humble, or maybe we're just too afraid to ask for what we really deserve, so we are content with what others decide we deserve. Or we're simple content with mediocrity.
Now that's a sad realization.
Thursday, November 8
Nov 8, 2007
Religion was mostly superstition, science for the most part sciolism, popular education merely a means of forcing the stupid and repressing the bright, so that all the youth of the rising generation might conform to the same dull, dead level of democratic mediocrity.
-- Charles Waddell Chesnut, Conjure Tales and Stories of the Color Line
This was copied from Dictionary.com as word of the day for Nov 4. SO TRUE, it's funny.
-- Charles Waddell Chesnut, Conjure Tales and Stories of the Color Line
This was copied from Dictionary.com as word of the day for Nov 4. SO TRUE, it's funny.
Monday, November 5
Nov 5, 2007
Icer Air
This past Saturday was the first I had seen of my S.O in two weeks. I missed him, and I wanted to be held. I liked being near him, and with all the time I had spent with him in the past two months, I felt that I had finally found something in him.
He bought tickets to an urban ski/snowboarding event in SF, and I had accompanied him for the most part. I didn't know anyone going, but while at the village, ran into my close friends from pledging my second year in college! I ended up hanging out with them for the duration of the event, even while my boyfriend went and smoked out with his friends.
Summary: the event was spectacular, and I had great company.
The night didn't end there, though. We had walked from the Embarcadero station to AT&T park, and had returned, only to find out my coworkers were at a club near the direction in which we came... so we walked back essentially the way we came... to Tabu lounge on Harrison and 4th, or thereabouts. We skipped lines, because they had decided on bottle service, and had gotten a table reserved near the stage. The night had been good... and was for the most part, despite my coworker flirting with my boyfriend, not realizing that he was my boyfriend, or that I had a boyfriend to begin with.
Upon our arrival, and seating ourselves at the reserved area, she sat around a tiny table, and gestured with her fingers, almost seductively saying "Take a shot with me", I may have misread it, but it seemed far too friendly... and my boyfriend did not object. I didn't expect him to.. not really. I brushed it off, and had quite a few drinks with the group of girls/guys there. I had so much to drink that I loosened up to what I consider the "real" me, I think the correct term to use would be to gyrate, and so I did for a good portion of the latter part of the night, and eventually ended on top of my boyfriend, not caring much about all the others at the club. My coworker would later come to describe this as my "tunnel vision".
Despite leaving the club at the night's end, we ended up in the car for some hour or two, for some serious make-up (not make OUT) time for the two weeks that we had been apart. When he finally drove me home, I became very aware of his leaving me, and whined... even though he had to leave, and I really would not do much to stop him from going, my whining calmed my own nerves a bit.
I returned home to find my mother awaiting my return.
....
and that is why I need to move out!
This past Saturday was the first I had seen of my S.O in two weeks. I missed him, and I wanted to be held. I liked being near him, and with all the time I had spent with him in the past two months, I felt that I had finally found something in him.
He bought tickets to an urban ski/snowboarding event in SF, and I had accompanied him for the most part. I didn't know anyone going, but while at the village, ran into my close friends from pledging my second year in college! I ended up hanging out with them for the duration of the event, even while my boyfriend went and smoked out with his friends.
Summary: the event was spectacular, and I had great company.
The night didn't end there, though. We had walked from the Embarcadero station to AT&T park, and had returned, only to find out my coworkers were at a club near the direction in which we came... so we walked back essentially the way we came... to Tabu lounge on Harrison and 4th, or thereabouts. We skipped lines, because they had decided on bottle service, and had gotten a table reserved near the stage. The night had been good... and was for the most part, despite my coworker flirting with my boyfriend, not realizing that he was my boyfriend, or that I had a boyfriend to begin with.
Upon our arrival, and seating ourselves at the reserved area, she sat around a tiny table, and gestured with her fingers, almost seductively saying "Take a shot with me", I may have misread it, but it seemed far too friendly... and my boyfriend did not object. I didn't expect him to.. not really. I brushed it off, and had quite a few drinks with the group of girls/guys there. I had so much to drink that I loosened up to what I consider the "real" me, I think the correct term to use would be to gyrate, and so I did for a good portion of the latter part of the night, and eventually ended on top of my boyfriend, not caring much about all the others at the club. My coworker would later come to describe this as my "tunnel vision".
Despite leaving the club at the night's end, we ended up in the car for some hour or two, for some serious make-up (not make OUT) time for the two weeks that we had been apart. When he finally drove me home, I became very aware of his leaving me, and whined... even though he had to leave, and I really would not do much to stop him from going, my whining calmed my own nerves a bit.
I returned home to find my mother awaiting my return.
....
and that is why I need to move out!
Nov 5, 2007
I've met the most intriguing person in the past year that I have been out of school. To be entirely honest, when I left college, I had hoped that with time, I would fate-fully return to the ex that had become such a big part of my growing and understanding of self.
I'm wrong though.
I came back from my Asia trip in mid-January, had a couple of weeks of jet-lag, and one night decided it was time to jump into the work world. I wasn't sure when I started job-hunting that I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but soon I found myself narrowing the fields, looking at lucrative fields, and seeing past just the present. I tried to picture where I wanted to be in a couple of years, and what I would need in order to reach that.
My resume evolved a lot. I became very involved in my own writing, even purchasing books for self-improvement. About a week later, I re-submitted my ill-written first drafts of what was originally my resume, and found that almost every job-posting for which I applied... responded within the next couple of days. I was offered a full-time position at a place I was originally relatively interested in, but rejected the offer to accept a temporary position at the department of health, because it seemed to open more doors than the position I would have taken. By the time I decided to accept this position, a couple of companies I had once been interested in had contacted me for an in-person interview... sadly, I turned them away before I even went in for the interview.
In the three months that I was an employee for Act1, I somehow got acquainted with a random individual online through a coworker, who adamantly wanted us to meet. In her words "He's a good looking young man, and you're a good looking girl, I think you guys should meet... whether you guys date is up to you, but meet him!" It was her adamant approval of a mystery man that I became extremely fascinated, and so began a relationship with some future. It was through Sharon's continued approval and praise that I became so intrigued by someone I barely knew. We emailed constantly, and often would send long emails talking about goodness knows what. This went on for the duration of my time at the Department of Health, with a gap of a month, when I decided it was hopeless to meet the fellow when he constantly seemed to bail on me, or refused to see me.
Oddly, on my last week at DHS, I got an email out of the blue with his usual line "Where'd you go?", and so I filled the fellow in on my current status, and acceptance with a new employer. Coincidentally, my last day was also his.. as was my supposed first day at work. It took the end of May until around July/August for him to finally agree to meet me. I wasn't sure what it was at the time that made him finally agree to go out with me... after 5 months of emailing back and forth, we finally met August 11, 2007. Since then, it seems we have become somewhat inseparable, spending most Saturdays during the weekend together, if not the entire weekend.
Recently, he has been opening up to me more. Asking me to ask him about him... and it was this way that I found he had been captivated by one picture of me, sitting on the floor at a Borders bookstore, with semi-dark attire, adorning a pair of thick white glasses, secretly smiling because of the logo on my tote bag, a symbol of communism that no one seemed to notice. It was this one picture that made him want to meet me.
I had not been as captivated, but by my attachment to what I had become acquainted with over the course of 5 months. He seemed to be enchanting in a very strange way, and I was intrigued because I wanted, I needed, to know if this person was who I thought he to be. I briefly got a glimpse of the fellow at a teleconference we had for genetic counselors at the Department of Health, and had not been entirely pleased with who I had gotten a glimpse of, but by this time, I had fallen not for the physical person, but for the person within.
Even now, it seems, most people are surprised to find that I am attached to someone I am not entirely attracted to, and at times, I wonder whether I am truly in it for me, or if I had become attached because of the months of intrigue, and what seems like an investment of my time and energy. Maybe it was this way that I had become so overwhelmingly tied to him.... yet, I still do not know for certain whether I really want to be in this.
As you can tell, again I have diverted from what I thought I needed, or wanted, to say. It seems I really am confused.
I'm wrong though.
I came back from my Asia trip in mid-January, had a couple of weeks of jet-lag, and one night decided it was time to jump into the work world. I wasn't sure when I started job-hunting that I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but soon I found myself narrowing the fields, looking at lucrative fields, and seeing past just the present. I tried to picture where I wanted to be in a couple of years, and what I would need in order to reach that.
My resume evolved a lot. I became very involved in my own writing, even purchasing books for self-improvement. About a week later, I re-submitted my ill-written first drafts of what was originally my resume, and found that almost every job-posting for which I applied... responded within the next couple of days. I was offered a full-time position at a place I was originally relatively interested in, but rejected the offer to accept a temporary position at the department of health, because it seemed to open more doors than the position I would have taken. By the time I decided to accept this position, a couple of companies I had once been interested in had contacted me for an in-person interview... sadly, I turned them away before I even went in for the interview.
In the three months that I was an employee for Act1, I somehow got acquainted with a random individual online through a coworker, who adamantly wanted us to meet. In her words "He's a good looking young man, and you're a good looking girl, I think you guys should meet... whether you guys date is up to you, but meet him!" It was her adamant approval of a mystery man that I became extremely fascinated, and so began a relationship with some future. It was through Sharon's continued approval and praise that I became so intrigued by someone I barely knew. We emailed constantly, and often would send long emails talking about goodness knows what. This went on for the duration of my time at the Department of Health, with a gap of a month, when I decided it was hopeless to meet the fellow when he constantly seemed to bail on me, or refused to see me.
Oddly, on my last week at DHS, I got an email out of the blue with his usual line "Where'd you go?", and so I filled the fellow in on my current status, and acceptance with a new employer. Coincidentally, my last day was also his.. as was my supposed first day at work. It took the end of May until around July/August for him to finally agree to meet me. I wasn't sure what it was at the time that made him finally agree to go out with me... after 5 months of emailing back and forth, we finally met August 11, 2007. Since then, it seems we have become somewhat inseparable, spending most Saturdays during the weekend together, if not the entire weekend.
Recently, he has been opening up to me more. Asking me to ask him about him... and it was this way that I found he had been captivated by one picture of me, sitting on the floor at a Borders bookstore, with semi-dark attire, adorning a pair of thick white glasses, secretly smiling because of the logo on my tote bag, a symbol of communism that no one seemed to notice. It was this one picture that made him want to meet me.
I had not been as captivated, but by my attachment to what I had become acquainted with over the course of 5 months. He seemed to be enchanting in a very strange way, and I was intrigued because I wanted, I needed, to know if this person was who I thought he to be. I briefly got a glimpse of the fellow at a teleconference we had for genetic counselors at the Department of Health, and had not been entirely pleased with who I had gotten a glimpse of, but by this time, I had fallen not for the physical person, but for the person within.
Even now, it seems, most people are surprised to find that I am attached to someone I am not entirely attracted to, and at times, I wonder whether I am truly in it for me, or if I had become attached because of the months of intrigue, and what seems like an investment of my time and energy. Maybe it was this way that I had become so overwhelmingly tied to him.... yet, I still do not know for certain whether I really want to be in this.
As you can tell, again I have diverted from what I thought I needed, or wanted, to say. It seems I really am confused.
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