I was heading out the door around 3PM, Saturday December 22nd. It's the day after my brother's graduation (coincidentally my best friend/3rd cousin Angela, and my boyfriend's graduation, as well), and I had a relatively quiet evening at home.
Andrew's graduation was fairly low-key. It's a winter graduation, nonetheless, and though I never really knew SJSU to be a college campus to be known in the area of Health Sciences, it seems he was in good hands, all along. I met with his dean (also, a professor in several of his courses), who had mentored him throughout most of his stay at the college. She had nothing but good things to say about him, and it seems he is on a clear path to success, after much soul-searching, he's found his calling. In Dean Roe's words, "I mean, who wants to hang out with a middle-aged woman?"
And so the night ended with a 10 course meal at Mayflower Seafood Restaurant in Milpitas, with about 20 guests, half - family, and half - his friends. The bill total: 762, exactly. One expensive, expensive meal, that my mother deemed entirely worth the $$.
Saturday morning, I ran around and did a little bit of Christmas shopping, but I've never been especially good at shopping for gifts, mostly because I can never decided on anything unique to give to people, and usually end up with a generic giftcard, for fear of getting people things they neither want, or need, but are too afraid to say otherwise. I think I've played safe for the most part. I think next year, I'll go a bit farther out on the extremes...! I was heading back to Sephora, and I was in the parking lot, when I realized it was already 3:30PM! I wasn't exactly sure what time diner would be, but! considering it was the weekend before Christmas, I assumed all sorts of madness trying to go home for the holidays. So instead of parking, went back out the front, and paid $0. parking, and got on the freeway. Let me say, thank goodness I left when I did, because I was in traffic for a good 2-3 hours, mostly stop and go traffic. I made it into Sacramento with enough time to stop in at the malls, and headed out to Florin to meet my boyfriend. He, of course, was neither dressed or near ready to leave the house.
10 minutes later, he was driving my car down a long stretch of dark road. And several minutes after that, we were there. I wasn't meeting the family at home, in Stockton. I was meeting them in Sacramento at a restaurant pre-determined. It wasn't until we were walking towards the restaurant that I voiced my fear, "is this a surprise dinner? And they don't know they're meeting me?" To this his only response was, "I didn't tell them specifically, but I think they know." I had left my greeting gifts in the car, especially since my first meeting would be at a restaurant, but as the time came, my dearest walked out with my keys, only to return some seconds later, "Hey Angela, could you come out for a second?". In the back of my mind, I realized that I would greeting his parents in the cold, yet I still had a lightness of heart. Sure enough, as I turned to face him, I see his parents standing by the door, as though they were about to walk into the restaurant. I had been fooled to think that they looked as old as my own parents, having married at a much later time than most other couples, my mom was 30.
His parents looked a bit younger. His dad's hands- rough from work, with slits of black having settled between the cracks of his toughened hands. His mom adorned a festive white-pastel colored jacket over an equally festive shirt, topped with a very short, lace-like scarf (if you can even call it that). I had imagined a couple much like my parents, and semi-mirroring my boyfriend's own physique, something that would suggest "I'm their child", but this was not the case, at all. They were much smaller in frame, in contrast to his 6'1, medium build figure.
Dinner went well, with occasional silences, where my dearest failed to fill in the gaps, instead focusing all, or most of his attention to the Chinese version of Dancing with the Stars. So his parents would quiz me on various interests of mine, and were bold enough to immediately ask, upon his brief leave of absence from the dining table, his dad jumped on the opportunity to ask how we had met. I told them the gist of how we met, leaving out the details of our 6 odd month courting, and they seemed satisfied with how coincidentally we had met, and how lucky we were to have found something that stuck. All of this was said just as he returned to the table.
Throughout the night, surprisingly, I spoke with relative ease in somewhat fluent Cantonese, and all the more surprising is how my fluent-ness contradicts one of his earliest statements, in which he coupled with extreme laughter, "Your cantonese is worse than mine". This, at the time, was especially disconcerting, considering I had spent a good part of my teen years studying Cantonese, and graduated my junior year in High School from what the Chinese would consider elementary school.
The night ended well, we presumed, his mom while saying goodbye exclaimed the usual it was good to meet you, and both re-iterated that I should go to visit them in Stockton, but most notable was his mom's open embrace, something that no one expected, me, least of all.
Hopefully the food bodes well with them, and I'm in the clearing, at least for now.
Monday, December 24
Dec 24, 2007
This is my first Christmas Eve after college... and it's different, to say the least. I no longer have the week to two weeks of entire freedom, mostly because the business world, especially in Finances tends to play outside of that ballpark. The world still turns, and as long as the (stock) markets, or the Federal Reserve (banks) is open, our company is open.
So this explains why I am writing to you from my office cubicle on the 6th floor of my company building at 215 Fremont St.
It's almost like the day after Thanksgiving, I was here super early (as usual), and was practically the last to leave, or if hours were counted, it was as though I worked a full day. The break, I suppose, was from all the people usually running around, chit-chatting to the point where there was little silence. Today, given that most people will leave in the next hour, I could potentially hear a pin drop, if I concentrated hard enough.
I have one more person to really shop for, and though it should also be the easiest, I am having a relatively tough time doing it. My father! I think I'm going to play it safe, and get him a couple of pairs of wool socks, because, first off, he doesn't own too many pairs, and second, he use to always complain of his socks NOT being thick enough. And I love wool socks, especially the ones from GAP, because they have the warmth coupled with comfort. So I may just opt for wool socks from GAP. Yes, that's what I am going to get. Perfect!
So this explains why I am writing to you from my office cubicle on the 6th floor of my company building at 215 Fremont St.
It's almost like the day after Thanksgiving, I was here super early (as usual), and was practically the last to leave, or if hours were counted, it was as though I worked a full day. The break, I suppose, was from all the people usually running around, chit-chatting to the point where there was little silence. Today, given that most people will leave in the next hour, I could potentially hear a pin drop, if I concentrated hard enough.
I have one more person to really shop for, and though it should also be the easiest, I am having a relatively tough time doing it. My father! I think I'm going to play it safe, and get him a couple of pairs of wool socks, because, first off, he doesn't own too many pairs, and second, he use to always complain of his socks NOT being thick enough. And I love wool socks, especially the ones from GAP, because they have the warmth coupled with comfort. So I may just opt for wool socks from GAP. Yes, that's what I am going to get. Perfect!
Sunday, December 9
Dec 9, 2007
My 24th year of life official starts tomorrow, and I celebrated it early, yesterday evening, well into the early dawns of today.
For one reason or another, I had been looking forward to my birthday for most of the previous week. I was especially ecstatic that I would be reunited with my significant other, it had been one long week at work and to be rewarded with the attention of the one person who has become a large part of my life was the perfect ending, or beginning, to another week of intense week at work.
To be completely honest, I had even gotten up in the morning, started it with a coffee date with my best friend/ex roommate, and though it was only hours away from the official celebration, my emotions were relatively normal; on the outside, it was just another day, but on the inside, I was bouncing all over the place. To sidetrack, a little, I go through most of my life with relatively tame acts of celebration, in the past couple of months, rarely had I followed the masses, and lately I've become especially tame, and reclusive. To sum it all up in one word, it was the beginning of a relatively tame night, but just the beginning of what would be the breakdown of my bottled up frustration, and silence.
Around 4:30PM, my love arrived. The bottom of his jeans still wet from sitting on the porch for some minutes before I was able to amble out to greet him, he shyly handed me a bouquet of mixed flowers: carnations of various shades of red, and daisies of a bright orange, crisp clean white, and rich purples, and sat at the edge of my bed watching as I rearranged my pot of flowers. This was in perfect timing, because the lilie buds had just about all opened, with an exception of one which still had another couple of days. I cut the stems under water, cleaned out the flower pot, and refilled about half way up, and added a couple of teaspoons of sugar for flower food. At which point, I finished up with my almost daily hair routine.
***
Let's take a minute to describe my hair, which now takes about half an hour to dry and style to "perfection". Growing up, I had never been one to fuss over how I looked, or even remotely cared how people viewed me, it didn't matter as long as I was able to get my shat done. Sometime in college, all of that changed for me. I started to want to go shopping, I had something of a shopping addiction, beyond my own belief, and I acquired just about anything I felt like I wanted. It didn't matter then whether I really needed it, or if I was planning to wear the item more than once. I acquired quite a debt because of it, and am still currently paying the price of my bad habit. It may have been a result of not having been able to, and not particularly wanting to acquire anything, and so when it was time to do an entire change of wardrobe, it was a closet change, as well.
So with all those changes, the one thing that I have taken with me is having a regular hair appointment with a salon stylist every month and a half for maintenance, mostly, and in the last couple of months, color changes. I've done all sorts of randoms to my hair, and have finally settled back on my stacked/shaved bob from many, many, many months ago, before the whole pob thing with Posh's bob. It was fashion-forward to an extreme, almost like predicting what would be in, before it was even in. In any case, in high school and much of my college career the only thing that I bothered to spend a little extra $$ on was shampoo and conditioner, I really had no idea what this business was with flat irons, curlers, hair lotions, hair waxes, and the like was all about... but since then I have started to invest in these items, mostly because upkeep was key to maintaining good looking hair. I mean why bother going to a hairstylist once a month or so, and not try to keep it that way all the other days of the week in between those visits, right?
***
Anyway, let's get back on track, my SO sat on the bed, and browsed through magazines, while I primped for some half an hour. I had not worn contacts in some weeks, and I had the whole make-up business to also complete before I headed out, that was on top of actually putting on clothes. I had been prepping for my actual night out, in terms of how to do my make-up, and as such, had been practicing the type of make up I would wear the night I went out, and this included lining my eyes, various methods to apply the colors of eye shadows I would use.. this took about another 15-20 minutes, while putting on the actual clothes took about 5 minutes, I had already decided the previous night... of course, that meant ransacking my entire closet to find the perfect top to go with the perfect bottom. I ended up looking a bit stick-thin in the end because of the attire I chose, mostly because it was a 3/4 sleeve sweater over a form-fitting tee, paired with black, knee-length tights, and a pair of black, suede, knee-high boots.
I thought I looked presentable.
Before heading out, DEEEnise phoned to borrow a flat-iron, and arrived just as SO and I were about to leave. I carried with me my business bag, stuffed with make-up, a pair of black patent peep toe heels, a gray tuxedo tank top from Express, and a pair of old, old jeans for the after-dinner event. We made a quick stop at the ATM, and proceeded to our final destination, Elephant Bar, in the adjacent city. After exiting the freeway, I noticed that my radio had stopped responding to the key buttons on the dash, but brushed it off, and assumed that when I took the keys out of the ignition all would be fine. Wrong!
When we finally parked on the top floor of the parking structure, I pulled my keys out, and after a good, couple of seconds, I realized that my radio was still turned on, as though the keys were still in the ignition, the only thing was, the keys were in my hands. I proceeded to insert the keys back into the ignition, and removed them again, just to see if this would help... it didn't. I almost started to panic, but my SO was well-versed in fixing things, in general, and took charge without my help. He finally decided to unplug the battery... but we didn't have a wrench to un-do the screw. I phoned a friend, and he would come to my rescue, only, it took much longer than I was patient enough to wait. Finally, a Asian/American couple walked by, stared a bit, and walked over to ask if we needed a jump, since we had the hood propped up. We corrected her, and told her we needed a wrench to unplug the battery, in hopes of fixing whatever it was that went wrong with the radio. They go and retrieve the wrench, and it was fixed in a matter of minutes. (My car is still requesting a CODE to unlock the radio.) Though I never reached a state of panic, without my SO I may have freaked out.
Nice way to start the beginning of my 24th celebratory evening, wouldn't you say?
We finally get to Elephant Bar around 6PM, when we were suppose to rendezvous at 5:30, and only 3 of my guests had arrived. We had bumped into Jennifer on the way over to our parking spot, but everyone else had called, or messaged to inform me of their tardiness.
My list of attendees for dinner, included:
myself, of course,
my SO, Robert,
my sibling,
my cousin,
my cousin-in-law, DEEnise,
my exroommates, Jennifer, Erica, Lauren,
my high school friends of sorts, Henry, Gregory, Estella,
my pledge "brother", Dorothea, and her mate, Christopher,
my co-worker, Susan, and her mate, Kenneth,
and my college friends of friends, Cynthia, and Don
Before we were even seated, my SO and Susan's mate ambled off to the bar to get a glass of something to drink, my family had gone to the bar earlier on, and were taking shots without me.
By 7PM, we were seated.
I had decided on the fresh fish of the day: Salmon with a macadamia nut seasoning, while the food was being prepared, most of my groups of friends had met, save for Kenneth and Susan, and everyone was especially friendly, so everyone was well-entertained for the evening. Food arrived, and we were finished by around 8:10P, except for the delicious coffee cake bought by the roommates. DELICIOUS! Thanks, ED!
Shot count:
jager bomb
vodka
many sips of other peoples fruity mixed drinks
***
Since we still had a lot of time to kill afterwards, Susan and I drove over to Erica's place to prep for the rest of the evening. Lauren and Erica were already home, and we were waiting on Cynthia and Sophia, back in Berkeley. Cynthia calls and inquires about medication possibly dropping into the bag that she gave me, only after checking, she calls me and it was in the last possible place she would have checked, a plastic bag she never uses. By this time, it was getting close to 10PM.
(The guest list at the bar closed at 11PM. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I had been in constant correspondence with one of the guys at the bar to organize and reserve a table for the evening. I reserved one table, which seats about 6-7 people, anticipating no more than about 10 people to make an appearance; however, in the last couple of days prior to yesterday, more and more people had expressed interest in attending. Last minute calls, and inquiries, and I had a list a little over 40, 10 of which were friends of a friend's mate's friend, and 3 of whom I had briefly met.)
We finally leave the house around 9:55PM, and exited Fremont in San Francisco around half an hour later, we parked a couple of blocks from the bar. We arrived, and there was a line. Oddly, we step into the line, and lo and behold, my high school friends/acquaintances were there. They were in line, and apparently were not on the guest list. My sibling had recognized a lot of these people, and had randomly promised that he'd be able to get a lot of them in free... most likely. The funny thing is, usually bouncers are less likely to accommodate male individuals. I get to the front of the line, and while the bouncer is checking my ID, he asks if I'm the one who had the table reservation, and when I confirmed, he tells the list guy that I was THE ------ ----- with the reservation, and said I had a table set up. While this guy is checking me off the list, I tell the bouncer that I was unable to get a lot of my friends onto the list in time, and inquired about whether he'd be able to get them in as a favor to me. Guy says he'll try to see what he can do, and then someone from within calls out the approval, and some 10-15 people entered without a fee, and the "Happy Birthday, ------", or a "Thanks, ------". I had "flirted" with a bouncer, for the first time, neither begging or pleading, simply with a "I'm celebrating my 24th", and an arm around the bouncers waist... how powerful it is to be a woman who knows her capabilities, sadly, that was entirely blind, and un-rehearsed, and I am not versed in the art of flirtation/coercion. Thankfully, bouncer, was in an especially friendly mood, and let everyone in.
My sibling had attempted, but ended up with an empty promise, I pulled through, and this will be an accomplishment that will mark the beginning of a wonderful 24th year.
The VIP area was nice, with only 3 tables near the entrance, by the main bar. Most of my friends were at the table for a short period of time, just at the beginning of the night. By the end of the night, I had had a total of some 8-9 shots of various vodkas at the bar.
absolut, Kenneth
151, Will
patron, Corinna's friend's fuck buddy
vodka, Susan
champagne, ME
Well, I have a very vague memory of who got what for me.
my brother
my cousin
my cousin in law
Daniel
Robert
Thomas
Andrew M
Will
Corinna (+4)
Susan
Kenneth
Dorothea
Christopher
Sophia
Cynthia
Lauren
Erica
and of course, the mass of Esther's friend who I got in for FREEEEEEE!
I had invited my ex-boyfriend to join in on my celebration, and while it was with good intent, the outcome was far from bizarre. He randomly divulged various happenings of our year in dating to a roommate, who had heard it all already, made exclamations like "So... THAT's Robert", inquired about my personal life from those closest to me, my sibling and my cousin, and had even attempted to be in SO's words "buddy-buddy" with him. My exroomie theorized that this may be the cause of my ex's attempt to continue to be a part of my life, fearing that if the current boyfriend is disapproving of our friendship, I may decide to cast him aside. My pledge brother, though, has a different theory, she believes that with all the drunk, phone calls, this may actually be an attempt to get back into my life, by being a part of it as much as he can. To be honest, I'm not sure which I really believe, but in either case, neither is good. I wholeheartedly believe the saying "ex's are ex's for a reason".
By the end of the night, we had one puking, my dearest ED, in the bathroom downstairs, and while we waited for her to come out, the group of us ended up downstairs waiting. Some flirtation/friendliness on my part did not go un-noticed by my good friend, Thomas, or my boyfriend, apparently, and for a brief moment, he was angry with me. It seems, at the time, I was too buzzed to focus or dwell on the matter for more than a couple of minutes. For this, my SO still has not completely discussed with me.
Thomas, ah, Thomas. The one who made a comment far too harsh, "------ and ------ are un-original names." For that, he angered my brother, and my high school acquaintances/friends have given me the "You know I've got your back", and "Where IS he? I'll beat his ass", empty claims, but the kind of mental support I needed to calm my nerves a bit.
Anyhow, we got back home around 2:30AM, but SO and I had about a 3 hour "chat" session outside of ED's house, and didn't fully realize the time until around 6AM. We headed back to my house, and knocked out, almost immediately.
***
I'm one day shy of 24 today, and sadly it began quite alright, but stories of the night's events surfaced, and my parents were less than thrilled. They focused on drunk driving, and assumed that everyone who arrived at the event, drove home drunk. They were not especially thrilled of the bar idea, and were less than ecstatic when they realized almost everyone at the event (to their knowledge from the he-said-she-said's) had spent at least $100 on buying rounds of drinks. They lectured with the usual, don't look at us and think we're going out to play when we go dancing, and how money should be saved, and not spent frivolously, on unnecessary bad social activities. I agree in retrospect, but at the time, it was sheer blame, and finger pointing, and statements like "If anything were to happen to either your brother or your cousin, you'd be the one to blame... you'd feel good, right, if that happened!" It was definitely a lot of talking down to.
There was even the statement that I am a bad influence, because I asked everyone to go, and that without my asking, no one would know to go to the particular bar. My mother blamed as though, through her naivety, and narrow-mindedness, that my one event is what turned everyone sour. And since talking apparently showed no results, I mentally broke down, and had somewhat of a screaming argument with my mother about how naive she was to believe that my one outing to a bar is probably the only one to which my invitees had ever attended. The sad truth is that I rarely go out, and this was the first time I had gone out in ages, save for the occasional Friday after-work-one-drink events with appetizers/dinner. That ruined the day for me, and possibly my experience altogether, but I am truly thankful for the friends I have, and am glad that I had a DD, and that my cousin/brother had DEEnise as a DD. We're less than naive, thankfully.
***
Maybe it's all of this bottled up confrontational arguments that I avoided when I was younger that makes it so easy for me to randomly break down now in older age. Sometimes I feel like I have relationship issues because of what I had experienced with my mother growing up. Or maybe this is something everyone has to deal with growing up. Who knows.
For one reason or another, I had been looking forward to my birthday for most of the previous week. I was especially ecstatic that I would be reunited with my significant other, it had been one long week at work and to be rewarded with the attention of the one person who has become a large part of my life was the perfect ending, or beginning, to another week of intense week at work.
To be completely honest, I had even gotten up in the morning, started it with a coffee date with my best friend/ex roommate, and though it was only hours away from the official celebration, my emotions were relatively normal; on the outside, it was just another day, but on the inside, I was bouncing all over the place. To sidetrack, a little, I go through most of my life with relatively tame acts of celebration, in the past couple of months, rarely had I followed the masses, and lately I've become especially tame, and reclusive. To sum it all up in one word, it was the beginning of a relatively tame night, but just the beginning of what would be the breakdown of my bottled up frustration, and silence.
Around 4:30PM, my love arrived. The bottom of his jeans still wet from sitting on the porch for some minutes before I was able to amble out to greet him, he shyly handed me a bouquet of mixed flowers: carnations of various shades of red, and daisies of a bright orange, crisp clean white, and rich purples, and sat at the edge of my bed watching as I rearranged my pot of flowers. This was in perfect timing, because the lilie buds had just about all opened, with an exception of one which still had another couple of days. I cut the stems under water, cleaned out the flower pot, and refilled about half way up, and added a couple of teaspoons of sugar for flower food. At which point, I finished up with my almost daily hair routine.
***
Let's take a minute to describe my hair, which now takes about half an hour to dry and style to "perfection". Growing up, I had never been one to fuss over how I looked, or even remotely cared how people viewed me, it didn't matter as long as I was able to get my shat done. Sometime in college, all of that changed for me. I started to want to go shopping, I had something of a shopping addiction, beyond my own belief, and I acquired just about anything I felt like I wanted. It didn't matter then whether I really needed it, or if I was planning to wear the item more than once. I acquired quite a debt because of it, and am still currently paying the price of my bad habit. It may have been a result of not having been able to, and not particularly wanting to acquire anything, and so when it was time to do an entire change of wardrobe, it was a closet change, as well.
So with all those changes, the one thing that I have taken with me is having a regular hair appointment with a salon stylist every month and a half for maintenance, mostly, and in the last couple of months, color changes. I've done all sorts of randoms to my hair, and have finally settled back on my stacked/shaved bob from many, many, many months ago, before the whole pob thing with Posh's bob. It was fashion-forward to an extreme, almost like predicting what would be in, before it was even in. In any case, in high school and much of my college career the only thing that I bothered to spend a little extra $$ on was shampoo and conditioner, I really had no idea what this business was with flat irons, curlers, hair lotions, hair waxes, and the like was all about... but since then I have started to invest in these items, mostly because upkeep was key to maintaining good looking hair. I mean why bother going to a hairstylist once a month or so, and not try to keep it that way all the other days of the week in between those visits, right?
***
Anyway, let's get back on track, my SO sat on the bed, and browsed through magazines, while I primped for some half an hour. I had not worn contacts in some weeks, and I had the whole make-up business to also complete before I headed out, that was on top of actually putting on clothes. I had been prepping for my actual night out, in terms of how to do my make-up, and as such, had been practicing the type of make up I would wear the night I went out, and this included lining my eyes, various methods to apply the colors of eye shadows I would use.. this took about another 15-20 minutes, while putting on the actual clothes took about 5 minutes, I had already decided the previous night... of course, that meant ransacking my entire closet to find the perfect top to go with the perfect bottom. I ended up looking a bit stick-thin in the end because of the attire I chose, mostly because it was a 3/4 sleeve sweater over a form-fitting tee, paired with black, knee-length tights, and a pair of black, suede, knee-high boots.
I thought I looked presentable.
Before heading out, DEEEnise phoned to borrow a flat-iron, and arrived just as SO and I were about to leave. I carried with me my business bag, stuffed with make-up, a pair of black patent peep toe heels, a gray tuxedo tank top from Express, and a pair of old, old jeans for the after-dinner event. We made a quick stop at the ATM, and proceeded to our final destination, Elephant Bar, in the adjacent city. After exiting the freeway, I noticed that my radio had stopped responding to the key buttons on the dash, but brushed it off, and assumed that when I took the keys out of the ignition all would be fine. Wrong!
When we finally parked on the top floor of the parking structure, I pulled my keys out, and after a good, couple of seconds, I realized that my radio was still turned on, as though the keys were still in the ignition, the only thing was, the keys were in my hands. I proceeded to insert the keys back into the ignition, and removed them again, just to see if this would help... it didn't. I almost started to panic, but my SO was well-versed in fixing things, in general, and took charge without my help. He finally decided to unplug the battery... but we didn't have a wrench to un-do the screw. I phoned a friend, and he would come to my rescue, only, it took much longer than I was patient enough to wait. Finally, a Asian/American couple walked by, stared a bit, and walked over to ask if we needed a jump, since we had the hood propped up. We corrected her, and told her we needed a wrench to unplug the battery, in hopes of fixing whatever it was that went wrong with the radio. They go and retrieve the wrench, and it was fixed in a matter of minutes. (My car is still requesting a CODE to unlock the radio.) Though I never reached a state of panic, without my SO I may have freaked out.
Nice way to start the beginning of my 24th celebratory evening, wouldn't you say?
We finally get to Elephant Bar around 6PM, when we were suppose to rendezvous at 5:30, and only 3 of my guests had arrived. We had bumped into Jennifer on the way over to our parking spot, but everyone else had called, or messaged to inform me of their tardiness.
My list of attendees for dinner, included:
myself, of course,
my SO, Robert,
my sibling,
my cousin,
my cousin-in-law, DEEnise,
my exroommates, Jennifer, Erica, Lauren,
my high school friends of sorts, Henry, Gregory, Estella,
my pledge "brother", Dorothea, and her mate, Christopher,
my co-worker, Susan, and her mate, Kenneth,
and my college friends of friends, Cynthia, and Don
Before we were even seated, my SO and Susan's mate ambled off to the bar to get a glass of something to drink, my family had gone to the bar earlier on, and were taking shots without me.
By 7PM, we were seated.
I had decided on the fresh fish of the day: Salmon with a macadamia nut seasoning, while the food was being prepared, most of my groups of friends had met, save for Kenneth and Susan, and everyone was especially friendly, so everyone was well-entertained for the evening. Food arrived, and we were finished by around 8:10P, except for the delicious coffee cake bought by the roommates. DELICIOUS! Thanks, ED!
Shot count:
jager bomb
vodka
many sips of other peoples fruity mixed drinks
***
Since we still had a lot of time to kill afterwards, Susan and I drove over to Erica's place to prep for the rest of the evening. Lauren and Erica were already home, and we were waiting on Cynthia and Sophia, back in Berkeley. Cynthia calls and inquires about medication possibly dropping into the bag that she gave me, only after checking, she calls me and it was in the last possible place she would have checked, a plastic bag she never uses. By this time, it was getting close to 10PM.
(The guest list at the bar closed at 11PM. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I had been in constant correspondence with one of the guys at the bar to organize and reserve a table for the evening. I reserved one table, which seats about 6-7 people, anticipating no more than about 10 people to make an appearance; however, in the last couple of days prior to yesterday, more and more people had expressed interest in attending. Last minute calls, and inquiries, and I had a list a little over 40, 10 of which were friends of a friend's mate's friend, and 3 of whom I had briefly met.)
We finally leave the house around 9:55PM, and exited Fremont in San Francisco around half an hour later, we parked a couple of blocks from the bar. We arrived, and there was a line. Oddly, we step into the line, and lo and behold, my high school friends/acquaintances were there. They were in line, and apparently were not on the guest list. My sibling had recognized a lot of these people, and had randomly promised that he'd be able to get a lot of them in free... most likely. The funny thing is, usually bouncers are less likely to accommodate male individuals. I get to the front of the line, and while the bouncer is checking my ID, he asks if I'm the one who had the table reservation, and when I confirmed, he tells the list guy that I was THE ------ ----- with the reservation, and said I had a table set up. While this guy is checking me off the list, I tell the bouncer that I was unable to get a lot of my friends onto the list in time, and inquired about whether he'd be able to get them in as a favor to me. Guy says he'll try to see what he can do, and then someone from within calls out the approval, and some 10-15 people entered without a fee, and the "Happy Birthday, ------", or a "Thanks, ------". I had "flirted" with a bouncer, for the first time, neither begging or pleading, simply with a "I'm celebrating my 24th", and an arm around the bouncers waist... how powerful it is to be a woman who knows her capabilities, sadly, that was entirely blind, and un-rehearsed, and I am not versed in the art of flirtation/coercion. Thankfully, bouncer, was in an especially friendly mood, and let everyone in.
My sibling had attempted, but ended up with an empty promise, I pulled through, and this will be an accomplishment that will mark the beginning of a wonderful 24th year.
The VIP area was nice, with only 3 tables near the entrance, by the main bar. Most of my friends were at the table for a short period of time, just at the beginning of the night. By the end of the night, I had had a total of some 8-9 shots of various vodkas at the bar.
absolut, Kenneth
151, Will
patron, Corinna's friend's fuck buddy
vodka, Susan
champagne, ME
Well, I have a very vague memory of who got what for me.
my brother
my cousin
my cousin in law
Daniel
Robert
Thomas
Andrew M
Will
Corinna (+4)
Susan
Kenneth
Dorothea
Christopher
Sophia
Cynthia
Lauren
Erica
and of course, the mass of Esther's friend who I got in for FREEEEEEE!
I had invited my ex-boyfriend to join in on my celebration, and while it was with good intent, the outcome was far from bizarre. He randomly divulged various happenings of our year in dating to a roommate, who had heard it all already, made exclamations like "So... THAT's Robert", inquired about my personal life from those closest to me, my sibling and my cousin, and had even attempted to be in SO's words "buddy-buddy" with him. My exroomie theorized that this may be the cause of my ex's attempt to continue to be a part of my life, fearing that if the current boyfriend is disapproving of our friendship, I may decide to cast him aside. My pledge brother, though, has a different theory, she believes that with all the drunk, phone calls, this may actually be an attempt to get back into my life, by being a part of it as much as he can. To be honest, I'm not sure which I really believe, but in either case, neither is good. I wholeheartedly believe the saying "ex's are ex's for a reason".
By the end of the night, we had one puking, my dearest ED, in the bathroom downstairs, and while we waited for her to come out, the group of us ended up downstairs waiting. Some flirtation/friendliness on my part did not go un-noticed by my good friend, Thomas, or my boyfriend, apparently, and for a brief moment, he was angry with me. It seems, at the time, I was too buzzed to focus or dwell on the matter for more than a couple of minutes. For this, my SO still has not completely discussed with me.
Thomas, ah, Thomas. The one who made a comment far too harsh, "------ and ------ are un-original names." For that, he angered my brother, and my high school acquaintances/friends have given me the "You know I've got your back", and "Where IS he? I'll beat his ass", empty claims, but the kind of mental support I needed to calm my nerves a bit.
Anyhow, we got back home around 2:30AM, but SO and I had about a 3 hour "chat" session outside of ED's house, and didn't fully realize the time until around 6AM. We headed back to my house, and knocked out, almost immediately.
***
I'm one day shy of 24 today, and sadly it began quite alright, but stories of the night's events surfaced, and my parents were less than thrilled. They focused on drunk driving, and assumed that everyone who arrived at the event, drove home drunk. They were not especially thrilled of the bar idea, and were less than ecstatic when they realized almost everyone at the event (to their knowledge from the he-said-she-said's) had spent at least $100 on buying rounds of drinks. They lectured with the usual, don't look at us and think we're going out to play when we go dancing, and how money should be saved, and not spent frivolously, on unnecessary bad social activities. I agree in retrospect, but at the time, it was sheer blame, and finger pointing, and statements like "If anything were to happen to either your brother or your cousin, you'd be the one to blame... you'd feel good, right, if that happened!" It was definitely a lot of talking down to.
There was even the statement that I am a bad influence, because I asked everyone to go, and that without my asking, no one would know to go to the particular bar. My mother blamed as though, through her naivety, and narrow-mindedness, that my one event is what turned everyone sour. And since talking apparently showed no results, I mentally broke down, and had somewhat of a screaming argument with my mother about how naive she was to believe that my one outing to a bar is probably the only one to which my invitees had ever attended. The sad truth is that I rarely go out, and this was the first time I had gone out in ages, save for the occasional Friday after-work-one-drink events with appetizers/dinner. That ruined the day for me, and possibly my experience altogether, but I am truly thankful for the friends I have, and am glad that I had a DD, and that my cousin/brother had DEEnise as a DD. We're less than naive, thankfully.
***
Maybe it's all of this bottled up confrontational arguments that I avoided when I was younger that makes it so easy for me to randomly break down now in older age. Sometimes I feel like I have relationship issues because of what I had experienced with my mother growing up. Or maybe this is something everyone has to deal with growing up. Who knows.
Friday, December 7
Dec 7, 2007
Email to a Friend
Oh Jennifer, it's always good to talk to you, even if for a brief moment.
I don't really have plans, but as all plans go, they're coming along just dandy. Think back to the Will-Angela episode, and you've got me and Robert, last night, mostly me getting randomly emotional about things that were imagined. I'm not sure why I had the breakdown, but I did. It may have been the aggregate of everything the past couple of days, my uninviting a friend because he was naive enough to believe that inviting 3 of his other friends, 2 of whom I have never met, was okay, and then ending yesterday when my coworker, after my heated monologue about how the aforementioned had frustrated me, inadvertently extends an invitation to our mutual acquaintance. She who works for the client service team, who just so happens to be best friends with whom I traveled in China. I figure it may just be that I know them that she thought it was okay, but after all the flaring rage (that's not really the right word), I'd expect better of people, my coworker, alas, but was not the case.
I guess I'm just heated about everything, and work, in itself, I feel like I have no real mentor. I constantly battle things alone, and only in solitude do I truly reflect on the happenings of what we call "work". I think for the most part I enjoy work in a far greater extent than most people, which I presume is the very reason I'm so excited all the time, but I think it is this very quality, or well, attitude that yields to all the frustration... because I become so involved that I assume everyone takes it as seriously as I do, which I have learned in the previous months, is not usually the case, and in the years to come, a very rare one at that.
Anyway, hopefully the dinner is intimate and non-exhaustive, and seeing Robert over the weekend will hopefully restore some of this random insecurity I have about, well, nothing, at all. Only one more day, love, and then another two before I see you. Hopefully nothing comes up on the 10th, I cannot wait to see you!
Angela
Oh Jennifer, it's always good to talk to you, even if for a brief moment.
I don't really have plans, but as all plans go, they're coming along just dandy. Think back to the Will-Angela episode, and you've got me and Robert, last night, mostly me getting randomly emotional about things that were imagined. I'm not sure why I had the breakdown, but I did. It may have been the aggregate of everything the past couple of days, my uninviting a friend because he was naive enough to believe that inviting 3 of his other friends, 2 of whom I have never met, was okay, and then ending yesterday when my coworker, after my heated monologue about how the aforementioned had frustrated me, inadvertently extends an invitation to our mutual acquaintance. She who works for the client service team, who just so happens to be best friends with whom I traveled in China. I figure it may just be that I know them that she thought it was okay, but after all the flaring rage (that's not really the right word), I'd expect better of people, my coworker, alas, but was not the case.
I guess I'm just heated about everything, and work, in itself, I feel like I have no real mentor. I constantly battle things alone, and only in solitude do I truly reflect on the happenings of what we call "work". I think for the most part I enjoy work in a far greater extent than most people, which I presume is the very reason I'm so excited all the time, but I think it is this very quality, or well, attitude that yields to all the frustration... because I become so involved that I assume everyone takes it as seriously as I do, which I have learned in the previous months, is not usually the case, and in the years to come, a very rare one at that.
Anyway, hopefully the dinner is intimate and non-exhaustive, and seeing Robert over the weekend will hopefully restore some of this random insecurity I have about, well, nothing, at all. Only one more day, love, and then another two before I see you. Hopefully nothing comes up on the 10th, I cannot wait to see you!
Angela
Dec 7, 2007
We had over 24 hours of rain the past two days, and I had been looking forward to another day of rain... though I'm really not complaining, I love the sunlight, too.
Tuesday, December 4
Dec 4, 2007
It rained, practically all of my ride into work, and probably much more before I woke in the morning. It's chilly out though, I have on a pair of pants, tights, and a black turtleneck. Early though I had on a sweatshirt, with a knee-length raincoat, and was sufficiently warm. Hopefully we get enough rain this season for a good winter out in the snow!
Friday, November 23
Nov 3, 2007
Maybe I'm like every other GIRL out there...
For as long as I've been with my boyfriend, I have not complained, or even cared too much that he's constantly out with his friends, drinking and the like. And rarely do I care that I don't often hear from him on those nights, yesterday should not have been an exception; however, it hit me that for the last couple of days, I did not hear much from him. He lives about an hour's drive away from me, so I see him about once a week, if that, some weeks.
This didn't bother me, before.
It did last night. And it bothers me today, in a different manner though. One of my good guy friends, often, confided his relationship issues in me, and they usually revolved around his girlfriend getting mad about one thing or another, and it hit me that, it's likely that I'm behaving in the same manner that my guy friend's girlfriend behaves.
From a objective standpoint, it seems illogical to behave that way, but subjectively it seems I'm in the same boat, because ironically, the two of them are in the exact cities that my boyfriend and I are in. Eerie, no?
Anyhow, knowing what I know, and knowing the negative aspects of my being, I'm consciously telling myself I need to be a bigger person, and I need to be able to see the bigger picture... and as difficult as it seems, I'm proactively trying to change.
Me? Change? Scary, I know!
For as long as I've been with my boyfriend, I have not complained, or even cared too much that he's constantly out with his friends, drinking and the like. And rarely do I care that I don't often hear from him on those nights, yesterday should not have been an exception; however, it hit me that for the last couple of days, I did not hear much from him. He lives about an hour's drive away from me, so I see him about once a week, if that, some weeks.
This didn't bother me, before.
It did last night. And it bothers me today, in a different manner though. One of my good guy friends, often, confided his relationship issues in me, and they usually revolved around his girlfriend getting mad about one thing or another, and it hit me that, it's likely that I'm behaving in the same manner that my guy friend's girlfriend behaves.
From a objective standpoint, it seems illogical to behave that way, but subjectively it seems I'm in the same boat, because ironically, the two of them are in the exact cities that my boyfriend and I are in. Eerie, no?
Anyhow, knowing what I know, and knowing the negative aspects of my being, I'm consciously telling myself I need to be a bigger person, and I need to be able to see the bigger picture... and as difficult as it seems, I'm proactively trying to change.
Me? Change? Scary, I know!
Tuesday, November 20
Nov 20, 2007
He sent lilies, from ProFlowers, in a shipping box, to work today.
Danny brought me the mail, and exclaimed that he had never seen anything like it.
=)
Danny brought me the mail, and exclaimed that he had never seen anything like it.
=)
Wednesday, November 14
Nov 14, 2007
naked baby day is coming up, and it'll be a year short of being 25. I've always imagined that being older would be more fun, but alas, I have neither experienced, or sadly, put myself in the position for a more thrilling lifestyle.
An older co-worker sent me a link to a government website to take a peek at federal jobs, and the Federal Bureau came up with potential positions. Although, a job is a job, it seems the more high-profile positions, with more risk are more attuned to my personality. I want more excitement, and I need something that will push me to be the best that I can be. I don't seem to get my fill here. I suppose I can give myself a couple more years working a relatively stable job, and then seek employment where there will be a little more excitement.
My last quote about mediocrity and American democracy seems to stretch across everything. Not only is everything becoming more streamlined, but it seems each individual, if you can even call them that anymore, have a relatively standard lifestyle, work 9-5, or 7-4 (whatever the hours are), gym for a couple of hours after work, dinner, then back to sleep to wake for yet another fun-filled day. Maybe it's not that there isn't any excitement, but rather our lack of motivation to exert more to reach that next level. For the most part, people drone on and on about how life sucks, and work sucks, but does anyone really do anything about it, other than complain? There's hope that that person, to whom each person complains, will be the reactor to that catalyst, when really, it seems, we should be proactively taking a part in the direction that our lives take... instead of relying on others.
Yet, at the same time, we, as Americans, have reached a new level of laziness. We settle for just about anything, and are content with what meets our minimum satisfaction. Why aren't we striving for what makes us most happy? Why aren't we doing what we can to achieve the most that we can?
Maybe it's our upbringing, and being humble, or maybe we're just too afraid to ask for what we really deserve, so we are content with what others decide we deserve. Or we're simple content with mediocrity.
Now that's a sad realization.
An older co-worker sent me a link to a government website to take a peek at federal jobs, and the Federal Bureau came up with potential positions. Although, a job is a job, it seems the more high-profile positions, with more risk are more attuned to my personality. I want more excitement, and I need something that will push me to be the best that I can be. I don't seem to get my fill here. I suppose I can give myself a couple more years working a relatively stable job, and then seek employment where there will be a little more excitement.
My last quote about mediocrity and American democracy seems to stretch across everything. Not only is everything becoming more streamlined, but it seems each individual, if you can even call them that anymore, have a relatively standard lifestyle, work 9-5, or 7-4 (whatever the hours are), gym for a couple of hours after work, dinner, then back to sleep to wake for yet another fun-filled day. Maybe it's not that there isn't any excitement, but rather our lack of motivation to exert more to reach that next level. For the most part, people drone on and on about how life sucks, and work sucks, but does anyone really do anything about it, other than complain? There's hope that that person, to whom each person complains, will be the reactor to that catalyst, when really, it seems, we should be proactively taking a part in the direction that our lives take... instead of relying on others.
Yet, at the same time, we, as Americans, have reached a new level of laziness. We settle for just about anything, and are content with what meets our minimum satisfaction. Why aren't we striving for what makes us most happy? Why aren't we doing what we can to achieve the most that we can?
Maybe it's our upbringing, and being humble, or maybe we're just too afraid to ask for what we really deserve, so we are content with what others decide we deserve. Or we're simple content with mediocrity.
Now that's a sad realization.
Thursday, November 8
Nov 8, 2007
Religion was mostly superstition, science for the most part sciolism, popular education merely a means of forcing the stupid and repressing the bright, so that all the youth of the rising generation might conform to the same dull, dead level of democratic mediocrity.
-- Charles Waddell Chesnut, Conjure Tales and Stories of the Color Line
This was copied from Dictionary.com as word of the day for Nov 4. SO TRUE, it's funny.
-- Charles Waddell Chesnut, Conjure Tales and Stories of the Color Line
This was copied from Dictionary.com as word of the day for Nov 4. SO TRUE, it's funny.
Monday, November 5
Nov 5, 2007
Icer Air
This past Saturday was the first I had seen of my S.O in two weeks. I missed him, and I wanted to be held. I liked being near him, and with all the time I had spent with him in the past two months, I felt that I had finally found something in him.
He bought tickets to an urban ski/snowboarding event in SF, and I had accompanied him for the most part. I didn't know anyone going, but while at the village, ran into my close friends from pledging my second year in college! I ended up hanging out with them for the duration of the event, even while my boyfriend went and smoked out with his friends.
Summary: the event was spectacular, and I had great company.
The night didn't end there, though. We had walked from the Embarcadero station to AT&T park, and had returned, only to find out my coworkers were at a club near the direction in which we came... so we walked back essentially the way we came... to Tabu lounge on Harrison and 4th, or thereabouts. We skipped lines, because they had decided on bottle service, and had gotten a table reserved near the stage. The night had been good... and was for the most part, despite my coworker flirting with my boyfriend, not realizing that he was my boyfriend, or that I had a boyfriend to begin with.
Upon our arrival, and seating ourselves at the reserved area, she sat around a tiny table, and gestured with her fingers, almost seductively saying "Take a shot with me", I may have misread it, but it seemed far too friendly... and my boyfriend did not object. I didn't expect him to.. not really. I brushed it off, and had quite a few drinks with the group of girls/guys there. I had so much to drink that I loosened up to what I consider the "real" me, I think the correct term to use would be to gyrate, and so I did for a good portion of the latter part of the night, and eventually ended on top of my boyfriend, not caring much about all the others at the club. My coworker would later come to describe this as my "tunnel vision".
Despite leaving the club at the night's end, we ended up in the car for some hour or two, for some serious make-up (not make OUT) time for the two weeks that we had been apart. When he finally drove me home, I became very aware of his leaving me, and whined... even though he had to leave, and I really would not do much to stop him from going, my whining calmed my own nerves a bit.
I returned home to find my mother awaiting my return.
....
and that is why I need to move out!
This past Saturday was the first I had seen of my S.O in two weeks. I missed him, and I wanted to be held. I liked being near him, and with all the time I had spent with him in the past two months, I felt that I had finally found something in him.
He bought tickets to an urban ski/snowboarding event in SF, and I had accompanied him for the most part. I didn't know anyone going, but while at the village, ran into my close friends from pledging my second year in college! I ended up hanging out with them for the duration of the event, even while my boyfriend went and smoked out with his friends.
Summary: the event was spectacular, and I had great company.
The night didn't end there, though. We had walked from the Embarcadero station to AT&T park, and had returned, only to find out my coworkers were at a club near the direction in which we came... so we walked back essentially the way we came... to Tabu lounge on Harrison and 4th, or thereabouts. We skipped lines, because they had decided on bottle service, and had gotten a table reserved near the stage. The night had been good... and was for the most part, despite my coworker flirting with my boyfriend, not realizing that he was my boyfriend, or that I had a boyfriend to begin with.
Upon our arrival, and seating ourselves at the reserved area, she sat around a tiny table, and gestured with her fingers, almost seductively saying "Take a shot with me", I may have misread it, but it seemed far too friendly... and my boyfriend did not object. I didn't expect him to.. not really. I brushed it off, and had quite a few drinks with the group of girls/guys there. I had so much to drink that I loosened up to what I consider the "real" me, I think the correct term to use would be to gyrate, and so I did for a good portion of the latter part of the night, and eventually ended on top of my boyfriend, not caring much about all the others at the club. My coworker would later come to describe this as my "tunnel vision".
Despite leaving the club at the night's end, we ended up in the car for some hour or two, for some serious make-up (not make OUT) time for the two weeks that we had been apart. When he finally drove me home, I became very aware of his leaving me, and whined... even though he had to leave, and I really would not do much to stop him from going, my whining calmed my own nerves a bit.
I returned home to find my mother awaiting my return.
....
and that is why I need to move out!
Nov 5, 2007
I've met the most intriguing person in the past year that I have been out of school. To be entirely honest, when I left college, I had hoped that with time, I would fate-fully return to the ex that had become such a big part of my growing and understanding of self.
I'm wrong though.
I came back from my Asia trip in mid-January, had a couple of weeks of jet-lag, and one night decided it was time to jump into the work world. I wasn't sure when I started job-hunting that I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but soon I found myself narrowing the fields, looking at lucrative fields, and seeing past just the present. I tried to picture where I wanted to be in a couple of years, and what I would need in order to reach that.
My resume evolved a lot. I became very involved in my own writing, even purchasing books for self-improvement. About a week later, I re-submitted my ill-written first drafts of what was originally my resume, and found that almost every job-posting for which I applied... responded within the next couple of days. I was offered a full-time position at a place I was originally relatively interested in, but rejected the offer to accept a temporary position at the department of health, because it seemed to open more doors than the position I would have taken. By the time I decided to accept this position, a couple of companies I had once been interested in had contacted me for an in-person interview... sadly, I turned them away before I even went in for the interview.
In the three months that I was an employee for Act1, I somehow got acquainted with a random individual online through a coworker, who adamantly wanted us to meet. In her words "He's a good looking young man, and you're a good looking girl, I think you guys should meet... whether you guys date is up to you, but meet him!" It was her adamant approval of a mystery man that I became extremely fascinated, and so began a relationship with some future. It was through Sharon's continued approval and praise that I became so intrigued by someone I barely knew. We emailed constantly, and often would send long emails talking about goodness knows what. This went on for the duration of my time at the Department of Health, with a gap of a month, when I decided it was hopeless to meet the fellow when he constantly seemed to bail on me, or refused to see me.
Oddly, on my last week at DHS, I got an email out of the blue with his usual line "Where'd you go?", and so I filled the fellow in on my current status, and acceptance with a new employer. Coincidentally, my last day was also his.. as was my supposed first day at work. It took the end of May until around July/August for him to finally agree to meet me. I wasn't sure what it was at the time that made him finally agree to go out with me... after 5 months of emailing back and forth, we finally met August 11, 2007. Since then, it seems we have become somewhat inseparable, spending most Saturdays during the weekend together, if not the entire weekend.
Recently, he has been opening up to me more. Asking me to ask him about him... and it was this way that I found he had been captivated by one picture of me, sitting on the floor at a Borders bookstore, with semi-dark attire, adorning a pair of thick white glasses, secretly smiling because of the logo on my tote bag, a symbol of communism that no one seemed to notice. It was this one picture that made him want to meet me.
I had not been as captivated, but by my attachment to what I had become acquainted with over the course of 5 months. He seemed to be enchanting in a very strange way, and I was intrigued because I wanted, I needed, to know if this person was who I thought he to be. I briefly got a glimpse of the fellow at a teleconference we had for genetic counselors at the Department of Health, and had not been entirely pleased with who I had gotten a glimpse of, but by this time, I had fallen not for the physical person, but for the person within.
Even now, it seems, most people are surprised to find that I am attached to someone I am not entirely attracted to, and at times, I wonder whether I am truly in it for me, or if I had become attached because of the months of intrigue, and what seems like an investment of my time and energy. Maybe it was this way that I had become so overwhelmingly tied to him.... yet, I still do not know for certain whether I really want to be in this.
As you can tell, again I have diverted from what I thought I needed, or wanted, to say. It seems I really am confused.
I'm wrong though.
I came back from my Asia trip in mid-January, had a couple of weeks of jet-lag, and one night decided it was time to jump into the work world. I wasn't sure when I started job-hunting that I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but soon I found myself narrowing the fields, looking at lucrative fields, and seeing past just the present. I tried to picture where I wanted to be in a couple of years, and what I would need in order to reach that.
My resume evolved a lot. I became very involved in my own writing, even purchasing books for self-improvement. About a week later, I re-submitted my ill-written first drafts of what was originally my resume, and found that almost every job-posting for which I applied... responded within the next couple of days. I was offered a full-time position at a place I was originally relatively interested in, but rejected the offer to accept a temporary position at the department of health, because it seemed to open more doors than the position I would have taken. By the time I decided to accept this position, a couple of companies I had once been interested in had contacted me for an in-person interview... sadly, I turned them away before I even went in for the interview.
In the three months that I was an employee for Act1, I somehow got acquainted with a random individual online through a coworker, who adamantly wanted us to meet. In her words "He's a good looking young man, and you're a good looking girl, I think you guys should meet... whether you guys date is up to you, but meet him!" It was her adamant approval of a mystery man that I became extremely fascinated, and so began a relationship with some future. It was through Sharon's continued approval and praise that I became so intrigued by someone I barely knew. We emailed constantly, and often would send long emails talking about goodness knows what. This went on for the duration of my time at the Department of Health, with a gap of a month, when I decided it was hopeless to meet the fellow when he constantly seemed to bail on me, or refused to see me.
Oddly, on my last week at DHS, I got an email out of the blue with his usual line "Where'd you go?", and so I filled the fellow in on my current status, and acceptance with a new employer. Coincidentally, my last day was also his.. as was my supposed first day at work. It took the end of May until around July/August for him to finally agree to meet me. I wasn't sure what it was at the time that made him finally agree to go out with me... after 5 months of emailing back and forth, we finally met August 11, 2007. Since then, it seems we have become somewhat inseparable, spending most Saturdays during the weekend together, if not the entire weekend.
Recently, he has been opening up to me more. Asking me to ask him about him... and it was this way that I found he had been captivated by one picture of me, sitting on the floor at a Borders bookstore, with semi-dark attire, adorning a pair of thick white glasses, secretly smiling because of the logo on my tote bag, a symbol of communism that no one seemed to notice. It was this one picture that made him want to meet me.
I had not been as captivated, but by my attachment to what I had become acquainted with over the course of 5 months. He seemed to be enchanting in a very strange way, and I was intrigued because I wanted, I needed, to know if this person was who I thought he to be. I briefly got a glimpse of the fellow at a teleconference we had for genetic counselors at the Department of Health, and had not been entirely pleased with who I had gotten a glimpse of, but by this time, I had fallen not for the physical person, but for the person within.
Even now, it seems, most people are surprised to find that I am attached to someone I am not entirely attracted to, and at times, I wonder whether I am truly in it for me, or if I had become attached because of the months of intrigue, and what seems like an investment of my time and energy. Maybe it was this way that I had become so overwhelmingly tied to him.... yet, I still do not know for certain whether I really want to be in this.
As you can tell, again I have diverted from what I thought I needed, or wanted, to say. It seems I really am confused.
Tuesday, October 16
Oct 16, 2007
I made a pretty big step when I openly referred to him as my significant other. Hopefully he really felt and thought that way, when he asked me which I would prefer to be introduced as... and it wasn't just a random suggestion for ownership. Am I anxious to know, sure...
Sunday, October 14
Oct 14, 2007
Since I last updated you, the weather has changed from bright, early mornings... to dark mornings, and dreary afternoons... on the bright side, we have crispy, brown leaves fallen from the tree tops, piles and piles of them strewn along the roadside. I admit, when I think of the fall, I think of couples... chasing each other down an avenue boulevard with trees, nearly bare of leaves.
To your surprise, and mine, I have that this fall, with someone that I cannot imagine myself without, and for that reason, I am even more content with how I have arrived at my present place in life.
Last night, he made a proposition that made my heart flutter... and that sounds corny enough, but I have to admit, I was sincerely glad that he had diverted from the route so many before him decided to take, and so happy that he is exactly what I need. Okay, so details would be nice right about now, so I'll give them to you. Sometime last week, he semi-begged me to stay with him this weekend, and although I was hesitant, I decided that with the distance between us, it was only fair that I made the trip up to him every once in a while, at least until I get my own place. I drove up a little after my lunch date with my younger brother, and arrived a little past 3PM. We sat around for an hour not having decided on anything, but finally agreed to watch an afternoon showing of We Own the Night, starring Mark Wahlberg, and some other guy that apparently I don't care too much for..., anyhow, the weather was extremely beautiful yesterday, it was warm out, almost like it was still summer, save for the extreme humidity characteristic of the Greater Sacramento area, so we decided not to stay in. Actually, he decided he'd rather enjoy the nice weather outside, even if it was spent inside a movie theater, not technically outside, but far from being "inside" of his living quarters. By the time we finally decided to catch an afternoon showing of the movie, we were half an hour from the start of the next showing, and were about a 20 minute drive from the theaters... despite all of this, we still drove out to the general location of the theaters. We grabbed a small bite to eat at TGIFridays per request of my lovely because he waited to eat with me, at which point I learned that I would be making an appearance at one of his friends' birthday celebrations... this was a surprise and a little shocking... because we had gone to a festival, at which both my friends and his friends attended, only he didn't introduce me to anyone, yet he met my best friend and my next closest friend... so being asked to accompany him to such a gathering was exciting, and well, inconsiderate, because of the last minute notice. It was more of a "well, oh yeah... we're going to my friend's birthday gathering at a lounge tonight." Anyhow, after our early dinner, we spent about an hour inside Macy*s smelling perfume that I wanted to purchase (FYI I purchased the same bottle that I had initially gone in there to buy, despite smelling some dozen other scents... go figure...). We ended up about 15 minutes late to the movie, partially because I spent too much time in one section of Macy*s, and partially because my love failed to take note of the particular theater at which the movie was showing, so we drove from where we parked to about 20 blocks away, just to turn back to go to the same theater of which we were initially parked in front.
The movie was good, but not on the same level of "good" as The Kingdom... we went home for a couple of minutes, only to head out to another restaurant near the lounge that we were suppose to attend later that evening. In the time that it took for us to leave his living quarters to when we finally found a parking spot, I became extremely irritable due to his carelessness and rather aggressive driving (mostly due to impatience to find a place to eat)... at which point, instead of addressing the issue, I completely shut down, and refused to face him or to confront him about the issue. Of course, in 5-10 minutes of awkward alone time, texting an ex-significant other while seated across from the current love of my life, I realized that I cared too much about the being across from me... and I didn't particularly enjoy being angry, despite everything.... so explained my silent treatment, and we were fine by the end of the meal.
We walked over to the lounge, and circled the block, before we made it to the front door, we ended up having a bit of alone time around the block, where he and I just talked about pet peeves we had, things we knew annoyed us personally, and things we did that annoyed other people... at which point, he randomly tells me that he has a hard time introducing people... mostly because, well, he just didn't, not because he didn't want to, etc. This, of course, explained the lack of introductions the weekend before at the festival, and so, it eased my mind a lot, but then there was the business of meeting all of his friends, if he was not going to introduce me to them... I brushed it off, and told him I was ready for the worst case scenario, and had mentally prepared myself for random awkwardness due to lack of introductions, and we were off in the direction of the entrance, once again. Of course, we didn't end up there, we walked past the entrance, and stood at the corner for a bit, and then he exclaims that "something just doesn't feel right..." and was unable to elaborate on his thought. He brushed this off, and walks steadfastly towards the entrance again, only to stop abruptly and turns to me, and asks "When I make introductions tonight, am I going to introduce you as my friend, ...., or am I going to introduce you as my girlfriend, ...?" After seeing my entirely confused look, he then further elaborates that I had a choice on which he would choose to say... which further confused me.
Insert thought... my friends have exclaimed in the last couple of weeks that it seemed strange that my love and I had not decided on the status of our relationship, and with the amount of time that we have been in contact and dating, it would seem we should be well on our way to some official status. I disagreed, because I wasn't at all awkward with not knowing who he was to me, or who he thought of me as, I was happy with how things were working out, and definitely happy with him. So I didn't find it necessary to have to have "THE talk" just to define something I already felt was there. I didn't need an official term to feel security, because, for some odd reason, with him, I just knew.
So with all that into consideration, I was appalled, elated, extremely happy, but yet, very confused. We never really talked about it, and out of the blue, he was asking to introduce me to his friends as his girlfriend. I never really realized any of those thoughts crossed his mind, or that he had considered me a potential... anyone. I really enjoy being around him, and I love his company, but having him bring it to my attention was more than I could have ever asked for... and I'm so happy that I had ultimately decided to stay with him this past weekend.
It's funny because I never thought I needed anyone, but when people ask me if I see us together in the future, I just know this: I don't see myself without him, ever.
To your surprise, and mine, I have that this fall, with someone that I cannot imagine myself without, and for that reason, I am even more content with how I have arrived at my present place in life.
Last night, he made a proposition that made my heart flutter... and that sounds corny enough, but I have to admit, I was sincerely glad that he had diverted from the route so many before him decided to take, and so happy that he is exactly what I need. Okay, so details would be nice right about now, so I'll give them to you. Sometime last week, he semi-begged me to stay with him this weekend, and although I was hesitant, I decided that with the distance between us, it was only fair that I made the trip up to him every once in a while, at least until I get my own place. I drove up a little after my lunch date with my younger brother, and arrived a little past 3PM. We sat around for an hour not having decided on anything, but finally agreed to watch an afternoon showing of We Own the Night, starring Mark Wahlberg, and some other guy that apparently I don't care too much for..., anyhow, the weather was extremely beautiful yesterday, it was warm out, almost like it was still summer, save for the extreme humidity characteristic of the Greater Sacramento area, so we decided not to stay in. Actually, he decided he'd rather enjoy the nice weather outside, even if it was spent inside a movie theater, not technically outside, but far from being "inside" of his living quarters. By the time we finally decided to catch an afternoon showing of the movie, we were half an hour from the start of the next showing, and were about a 20 minute drive from the theaters... despite all of this, we still drove out to the general location of the theaters. We grabbed a small bite to eat at TGIFridays per request of my lovely because he waited to eat with me, at which point I learned that I would be making an appearance at one of his friends' birthday celebrations... this was a surprise and a little shocking... because we had gone to a festival, at which both my friends and his friends attended, only he didn't introduce me to anyone, yet he met my best friend and my next closest friend... so being asked to accompany him to such a gathering was exciting, and well, inconsiderate, because of the last minute notice. It was more of a "well, oh yeah... we're going to my friend's birthday gathering at a lounge tonight." Anyhow, after our early dinner, we spent about an hour inside Macy*s smelling perfume that I wanted to purchase (FYI I purchased the same bottle that I had initially gone in there to buy, despite smelling some dozen other scents... go figure...). We ended up about 15 minutes late to the movie, partially because I spent too much time in one section of Macy*s, and partially because my love failed to take note of the particular theater at which the movie was showing, so we drove from where we parked to about 20 blocks away, just to turn back to go to the same theater of which we were initially parked in front.
The movie was good, but not on the same level of "good" as The Kingdom... we went home for a couple of minutes, only to head out to another restaurant near the lounge that we were suppose to attend later that evening. In the time that it took for us to leave his living quarters to when we finally found a parking spot, I became extremely irritable due to his carelessness and rather aggressive driving (mostly due to impatience to find a place to eat)... at which point, instead of addressing the issue, I completely shut down, and refused to face him or to confront him about the issue. Of course, in 5-10 minutes of awkward alone time, texting an ex-significant other while seated across from the current love of my life, I realized that I cared too much about the being across from me... and I didn't particularly enjoy being angry, despite everything.... so explained my silent treatment, and we were fine by the end of the meal.
We walked over to the lounge, and circled the block, before we made it to the front door, we ended up having a bit of alone time around the block, where he and I just talked about pet peeves we had, things we knew annoyed us personally, and things we did that annoyed other people... at which point, he randomly tells me that he has a hard time introducing people... mostly because, well, he just didn't, not because he didn't want to, etc. This, of course, explained the lack of introductions the weekend before at the festival, and so, it eased my mind a lot, but then there was the business of meeting all of his friends, if he was not going to introduce me to them... I brushed it off, and told him I was ready for the worst case scenario, and had mentally prepared myself for random awkwardness due to lack of introductions, and we were off in the direction of the entrance, once again. Of course, we didn't end up there, we walked past the entrance, and stood at the corner for a bit, and then he exclaims that "something just doesn't feel right..." and was unable to elaborate on his thought. He brushed this off, and walks steadfastly towards the entrance again, only to stop abruptly and turns to me, and asks "When I make introductions tonight, am I going to introduce you as my friend, ...., or am I going to introduce you as my girlfriend, ...?" After seeing my entirely confused look, he then further elaborates that I had a choice on which he would choose to say... which further confused me.
Insert thought... my friends have exclaimed in the last couple of weeks that it seemed strange that my love and I had not decided on the status of our relationship, and with the amount of time that we have been in contact and dating, it would seem we should be well on our way to some official status. I disagreed, because I wasn't at all awkward with not knowing who he was to me, or who he thought of me as, I was happy with how things were working out, and definitely happy with him. So I didn't find it necessary to have to have "THE talk" just to define something I already felt was there. I didn't need an official term to feel security, because, for some odd reason, with him, I just knew.
So with all that into consideration, I was appalled, elated, extremely happy, but yet, very confused. We never really talked about it, and out of the blue, he was asking to introduce me to his friends as his girlfriend. I never really realized any of those thoughts crossed his mind, or that he had considered me a potential... anyone. I really enjoy being around him, and I love his company, but having him bring it to my attention was more than I could have ever asked for... and I'm so happy that I had ultimately decided to stay with him this past weekend.
It's funny because I never thought I needed anyone, but when people ask me if I see us together in the future, I just know this: I don't see myself without him, ever.
Tuesday, September 25
Sept 25, 2007
September has come and gone, it seems. Month end is this Friday, and I cannot wait! Waves to Wine is also this weekend, and I have missed volunteering by myself.
I've been overwhelmed with a lot of work, and honestly, I don't like to complain, but it seems I'm being overloaded. It is not that I cannot say "No" when I've had enough, but rather, I'm taking on the roles of more than one person, more like three individuals, and taking on new responsibilities from other members of my team. It's all a good learning experience, because I make the mistakes that are necessary for me to learn to grow.
It's difficult, because my manager is new, one month old actually, and she's already come in sweeping her broom. She's dictating how things should run, for the most part, sure a dictatorship has worked in other places, but somehow coming from a background different than my group, on top of not knowing any of my responsibilities and then running the show blindly does not entirely bode well with me. I have been really patient, trying to understand what her point is, or why it is that she wants to do things a certain way. Of course, I also believe that she is very wordy/ and lengthy when she doesn't have to be. She'll go around and around explaining one thing, when really she doesn't have to.
Simply put, there is a simple answer for a lot of things, and she makes it complicated, because in a sense she wants to believe there is complexity in everything we do. There are no shortcuts for her.
In any case, the most irritating part isn't the managing, but rather her constantly telling me that I should push my schedule back, and that I should leave. On top of telling me that one could work 24 hours a day if need be, she means almost literally that she has more work and could stay AT work for 24 hours because HER work never ceases.
I dislike hypocrites, she talks about time management and she's at work until 7-8PM every night. She talks about having a balanced lifestyle, and she comes into work looking like she could use another couple of days off. She says I should push going into work back, but she doesn't know what I do. She says if I need help I should ask, she doesn't even know what I do!
Anyway enough ranting, I miss human interaction with people less high-strung. I need community service! YESSSS to Waves to Wine, and the Multiple Sclerosis Society!
I've been overwhelmed with a lot of work, and honestly, I don't like to complain, but it seems I'm being overloaded. It is not that I cannot say "No" when I've had enough, but rather, I'm taking on the roles of more than one person, more like three individuals, and taking on new responsibilities from other members of my team. It's all a good learning experience, because I make the mistakes that are necessary for me to learn to grow.
It's difficult, because my manager is new, one month old actually, and she's already come in sweeping her broom. She's dictating how things should run, for the most part, sure a dictatorship has worked in other places, but somehow coming from a background different than my group, on top of not knowing any of my responsibilities and then running the show blindly does not entirely bode well with me. I have been really patient, trying to understand what her point is, or why it is that she wants to do things a certain way. Of course, I also believe that she is very wordy/ and lengthy when she doesn't have to be. She'll go around and around explaining one thing, when really she doesn't have to.
Simply put, there is a simple answer for a lot of things, and she makes it complicated, because in a sense she wants to believe there is complexity in everything we do. There are no shortcuts for her.
In any case, the most irritating part isn't the managing, but rather her constantly telling me that I should push my schedule back, and that I should leave. On top of telling me that one could work 24 hours a day if need be, she means almost literally that she has more work and could stay AT work for 24 hours because HER work never ceases.
I dislike hypocrites, she talks about time management and she's at work until 7-8PM every night. She talks about having a balanced lifestyle, and she comes into work looking like she could use another couple of days off. She says I should push going into work back, but she doesn't know what I do. She says if I need help I should ask, she doesn't even know what I do!
Anyway enough ranting, I miss human interaction with people less high-strung. I need community service! YESSSS to Waves to Wine, and the Multiple Sclerosis Society!
Wednesday, August 22
Aug 22, 2007
On another note, I see Robert dear again tomorrow for the FAIRRRRRRRRRR after I get my diploma, and after I return some items at the mall. Then, another weekend date with him on Friday before labor day to go see the Da Vinci exhibit in SF. =) I'm starting to see this as dating, and I like it a lot.
I also think my exboyfriend who is my really good friend is a little annoyed by it, because he seemed a little hostile to me today, when I raved about it... telling me there are a lot of guys in the Bay Area, I could easily find one if I wanted to... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I also think my exboyfriend who is my really good friend is a little annoyed by it, because he seemed a little hostile to me today, when I raved about it... telling me there are a lot of guys in the Bay Area, I could easily find one if I wanted to... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Aug 22, 2007
I went to my first personal training session today, and boy! was it exciting. Okay, I sound like a little boy, but it really was a lot different than I had expected.
First, I want to say, I'm really glad I opted for the Fitness Plus package that allowed me 5 sessions with a personal trainer.
Second, I'm super excited I had heeded the advice of the guy who signed me up for my membership. He recommended a guy named Andrew Jung, and all I knew at the time was that the guy just came back from Thailand, and was a professional in Thailand. Really, it was the fact that he said "I'm looking into a personal trainer, too, and I'm thinking of getting Andrew as my trainer", so that won me over!
So let's begin.
I was really skeptical about personal trainers, although I have a really ripped girlfriend who works at the same gym as a personal trainer. I thought that because I am slim, and jog most days, and eat more healthy than most of my friends, it was enough to keep me in tip-top physical condition. Another girlfriend had joined the gym about two months ago, and had raved about how effective and successful her personal training sessions were... but even then, I was not especially keen to the idea of having someone tell me how to exercise. Way to be open-minded, right? Yeah.
I have to admit, I was thoroughly uneducated about the benefits. I'm not raving about it, really, I'm just really glad there is someone there to educate me about how to eat right, and the myths about using various mechanisms for exercising.
I have five sessions with this Andrew character, and let me tell you! He is fun! He divulges a lot of information, sometimes more personal than I care to know, but maybe that's why some people develop feelings for their trainers, because they feel that their really making a connection with someone, when really, their making connections with every one of their clients.
I had first taken notice of my trainer when I had walked into my Friday night workout session with my girlfriend, it was a little past 9:30PM, and well, the place was deserted, it left the gym with mostly gym buffs, arms the size of my thigh, or bigger. I was going in for the first time, and had assumed that my trainer would be there only on weekdays during the day, so when I caught a glimpse of this Asian male, relatively built, without realizing it, I searched for his name tag, and then it dawned on me. He was my trainer.
I was pretty much really intimidated because he's really built, and looks like he trains seriously. Possibly the reason why he was recommended with such esteem! I pretended in later workouts at the gym that I didn't really know who he was, even though I knew perfectly well. I saw him every time I went, no matter the time, 9-11PM on a Friday night, early Saturday morning for Yoga, after work hours on a Tuesday afternoon, and each time, he and I would make eye contact, and each time, I thought, how wonderful it would be to see the expression on his face when he realizes that this random slim character was really to be training with him for the first time, ever!
So it was just like that, he was very charismatic, and very friendly. Joked, and acted a fool every couple of seconds, introduced me to other trainers at the gym, and briefly mentioned that he had recognized me from my previous gym sessions. After the warm up period, he finally divulged some pretty intimate details of his life, etc, 24 years old, born the same year about 5-6 months before myself, randomly drives out to gyms just to check out the gym, and how he's a fitness nazi when it comes to his clients. It was all in good fun. He measured my body to see what my body fat mass was, and laughed when I said I had back fat.
The best part was when I found out my body fat is at 31%, which is right at the higher end of the threshold. So my goal is to be in between 20 and 31, somewhere at 25%. He also wanted to check my posture, so he had me raise my arms above my head sitting next to my ears, and to have my feet spread, shoulder width apart, and to squat. After a little instruction, I squat to my comfortable position, and raised myself, feeling self-conscious, I asked how many more he wanted me to do to check my posture. He commented on the depth of my squats, and then told me he wanted me to do about 10 more, which seemed odd to me, but I did as he asked. When we finally returned to the desk, he said, the reason he asked me to do so many was that he didn't see any noticeable mistakes, and he didn't really believe it, so he wanted me to do more, in case he just wasn't paying enough attention. Apparently, I am the only client of his that has had perfect squat posture. Good news! =)))))
After all of this, he is going to be watching my diet, and will work me super hard, mostly because we both have a lot of energy and because I can joke with him on the same scale... he will ensure that I reach a long term goal of 112 lbs, increasing muscle mass, and decreasing about 6 lbs of fat mass, to reach the 24.25% body fat.
All along I thought I was too slim to have to seriously work on my body, but BOYYYYYYYYY was I wrong.
I think I may really enjoy my sessions, we'll be working to target my waist, and my arms, but also my overall health. This sounds like a true beginning.
First, I want to say, I'm really glad I opted for the Fitness Plus package that allowed me 5 sessions with a personal trainer.
Second, I'm super excited I had heeded the advice of the guy who signed me up for my membership. He recommended a guy named Andrew Jung, and all I knew at the time was that the guy just came back from Thailand, and was a professional in Thailand. Really, it was the fact that he said "I'm looking into a personal trainer, too, and I'm thinking of getting Andrew as my trainer", so that won me over!
So let's begin.
I was really skeptical about personal trainers, although I have a really ripped girlfriend who works at the same gym as a personal trainer. I thought that because I am slim, and jog most days, and eat more healthy than most of my friends, it was enough to keep me in tip-top physical condition. Another girlfriend had joined the gym about two months ago, and had raved about how effective and successful her personal training sessions were... but even then, I was not especially keen to the idea of having someone tell me how to exercise. Way to be open-minded, right? Yeah.
I have to admit, I was thoroughly uneducated about the benefits. I'm not raving about it, really, I'm just really glad there is someone there to educate me about how to eat right, and the myths about using various mechanisms for exercising.
I have five sessions with this Andrew character, and let me tell you! He is fun! He divulges a lot of information, sometimes more personal than I care to know, but maybe that's why some people develop feelings for their trainers, because they feel that their really making a connection with someone, when really, their making connections with every one of their clients.
I had first taken notice of my trainer when I had walked into my Friday night workout session with my girlfriend, it was a little past 9:30PM, and well, the place was deserted, it left the gym with mostly gym buffs, arms the size of my thigh, or bigger. I was going in for the first time, and had assumed that my trainer would be there only on weekdays during the day, so when I caught a glimpse of this Asian male, relatively built, without realizing it, I searched for his name tag, and then it dawned on me. He was my trainer.
I was pretty much really intimidated because he's really built, and looks like he trains seriously. Possibly the reason why he was recommended with such esteem! I pretended in later workouts at the gym that I didn't really know who he was, even though I knew perfectly well. I saw him every time I went, no matter the time, 9-11PM on a Friday night, early Saturday morning for Yoga, after work hours on a Tuesday afternoon, and each time, he and I would make eye contact, and each time, I thought, how wonderful it would be to see the expression on his face when he realizes that this random slim character was really to be training with him for the first time, ever!
So it was just like that, he was very charismatic, and very friendly. Joked, and acted a fool every couple of seconds, introduced me to other trainers at the gym, and briefly mentioned that he had recognized me from my previous gym sessions. After the warm up period, he finally divulged some pretty intimate details of his life, etc, 24 years old, born the same year about 5-6 months before myself, randomly drives out to gyms just to check out the gym, and how he's a fitness nazi when it comes to his clients. It was all in good fun. He measured my body to see what my body fat mass was, and laughed when I said I had back fat.
The best part was when I found out my body fat is at 31%, which is right at the higher end of the threshold. So my goal is to be in between 20 and 31, somewhere at 25%. He also wanted to check my posture, so he had me raise my arms above my head sitting next to my ears, and to have my feet spread, shoulder width apart, and to squat. After a little instruction, I squat to my comfortable position, and raised myself, feeling self-conscious, I asked how many more he wanted me to do to check my posture. He commented on the depth of my squats, and then told me he wanted me to do about 10 more, which seemed odd to me, but I did as he asked. When we finally returned to the desk, he said, the reason he asked me to do so many was that he didn't see any noticeable mistakes, and he didn't really believe it, so he wanted me to do more, in case he just wasn't paying enough attention. Apparently, I am the only client of his that has had perfect squat posture. Good news! =)))))
After all of this, he is going to be watching my diet, and will work me super hard, mostly because we both have a lot of energy and because I can joke with him on the same scale... he will ensure that I reach a long term goal of 112 lbs, increasing muscle mass, and decreasing about 6 lbs of fat mass, to reach the 24.25% body fat.
All along I thought I was too slim to have to seriously work on my body, but BOYYYYYYYYY was I wrong.
I think I may really enjoy my sessions, we'll be working to target my waist, and my arms, but also my overall health. This sounds like a true beginning.
Tuesday, August 7
Aug 7, 2007
Emailing back and forth, 20 odd emails going just one way. Text messages over the weekend whilest drunk.
That's not infatuation, right? You can't like someone you've never met, right?
Shopping and dinner, and a whole day set aside.
That's not a date, is it?
That's not infatuation, right? You can't like someone you've never met, right?
Shopping and dinner, and a whole day set aside.
That's not a date, is it?
Aug 7, 2007
He bailed on the first.
He asked again.
Maybe he won't disappoint again?
His plan for Saturday August 11: Avoid a 2nd bailout.
Good plan. =)
He asked again.
Maybe he won't disappoint again?
His plan for Saturday August 11: Avoid a 2nd bailout.
Good plan. =)
Thursday, August 2
Aug 2, 2007
he'll finally set a date and not bail at the last possible minute.
he'll ask again.
there isn't any anxiety.
things turn out as expected.
......
he'll ask again.
there isn't any anxiety.
things turn out as expected.
......
Aug 2, 2007
It's been a couple of weeks... and I must say... things certainly have picked up at work. My coworker, the one I've gotten the closest to, started looking for a new position elsewhere in the company about two weeks ago. I dispensed my own experiences and insight to her, although only having held a real job for about two months, I am far more knowledgeable than I previously gave myself credit for. In the past two weeks, she has gone from job application to job offer, and after this weekend, she will be traveling to Scotland to spend time with her in-laws, potentially with a new job when she returns. Before she leaves, she'll be throwing her 1 year old son a birthday party at a jungle themed cafe, and a couple of my coworkers and I plan to attend.
In other news, work has definitely gotten busier. I have been assigned more and more duties, taking on whatever I can handle. Time management definitely helps a lot here, I'm juggling between 4-5 different responsibilities/projects/tasks, and still I don't seem to have enough to do. I often have enough time in between tasks, or even during tasks, to respond to the emails that pop up on Outlook... to give you an idea, a guy that I was "introduced" to and I exchanged 40 emails between the two of us... almost every day of the week.. for the past, well, 2 months that I have been employed at the current company. Anyway, it could just be my mad typing skills. =)
After a year, I am finally at a place in my life that I am 90% content with... and I feel wonderful! Or maybe it's just getting out of the university that did it for me.. I love the work world, and all the responsibilities and duties we have in it. I'm sooooo high on life, right now... except also exceptionally exhausted from it, too.
In other news, work has definitely gotten busier. I have been assigned more and more duties, taking on whatever I can handle. Time management definitely helps a lot here, I'm juggling between 4-5 different responsibilities/projects/tasks, and still I don't seem to have enough to do. I often have enough time in between tasks, or even during tasks, to respond to the emails that pop up on Outlook... to give you an idea, a guy that I was "introduced" to and I exchanged 40 emails between the two of us... almost every day of the week.. for the past, well, 2 months that I have been employed at the current company. Anyway, it could just be my mad typing skills. =)
After a year, I am finally at a place in my life that I am 90% content with... and I feel wonderful! Or maybe it's just getting out of the university that did it for me.. I love the work world, and all the responsibilities and duties we have in it. I'm sooooo high on life, right now... except also exceptionally exhausted from it, too.
Wednesday, July 18
Jul 18, 2007
mmmm
Ever since early yesterday morning, I've been feeling a little down in the gutter. My coworker in the course of our conversation about first time buying and mortgages mentioned her base salary. When I was initially offered the job, I had waited for about two months from the first email from the director to my phone offer to hear back from them. I had lost a lot of hope in working at what seemed like the best company, because of philanthropy, work environment, people and overall growth opportunity... so when HR called my direct line at my then job, I was so ecstatic that I practically jumped out of my desk chair. And you know how the rest goes, without a thought, I agreed to the first job offer... only to regret it 5 minutes after I get off the phone. It was much lower than what I had asked for, but it was definitely more than what I had made previously. By the week's end, I had talked myself into how great it is other than the fact that I didn't exactly get what I wanted, but overall, if I fell on my face on my way to work, I knew I had the coverage to take care of me, and Chuck's philosophy on contributing to the community, and promoting that within was great!
For the last month that I've been there, the thought of my salary never crossed my mind. I of course aspire to be better, to learn more, and to earn more as a result, but it wasn't something that made me worry, at all. Until yesterday. This girl, several months older than myself, having worked at the company for about a year and a half was making about 1/4th more... earning well above what I had asked for... maybe she negotiated, and was more composed than I was. And I know I was excited from the very beginning.
Anyway, I finally took some of the smaller projects that I've been working on in the past month that I've been with the company, and instead of waiting around for people to eventually get to me, I updated and revised the various components of procedures that I worked on, and submitted them. My director calls me shortly to ask if I had mirrored the template that I had received from the team lead in the other team that I work very closely with, and after receiving an answer to his liking, told me that he would forward my documents to the director of the Audits/Controls team, and we would make revisions as needed after he reviews them.
I started to work on the AMD project that has been sitting around untouched for the past couple of months without any updates... and decided that if it was important to my director, it's something I should update, and pronto!
In the midst of my updates to the system, I receive an email from my director about setting objectives and updating if needed. I skim through the website, and decide this is a good opportunity to go in and talk to my director. So I amble in, interrupt his emailing moment, and ask about the objectives.
Since I started working with the company, I have worked on Non Marketplace trading, and have intermittently worked on projects in between trades... and constantly going into my director's office, and various team leads and senior manager's cubicles to tell them that I don't have enough to do. I guess I got my point across. Yesterday afternoon, after the conference call with the people in Phoenix, my director asked me to stay to chat. So we discussed the projects, what I saw as potential downsides and my involvement with the project. This leads to a very vague discussion on redistribution of responsibilities within the two teams that he manages... and because of my constant nagging, they suggested that I help out where I can with projects that the other team has been overloaded with, the Non Standard Assets, something that my team lead says would be interesting because not a lot of people know about them, or know how they work.
So anyway, back to today, my director essentially touches on how the objectives are across the teams, and are essentially very general. This goes on to include why we have objectives, and at the year end evaluation (really important!) whatever we've accomplished throughout the year will play an important part, especially if we believe our ratings are not quite up to our own expectations. He mentions that my involvement with SAP would be something to be noted, and I randomly divulge that my involvement with SAP seemed to follow with my involvement with writing procedures and guidelines for Non Marketplace trading. He corrects me at this point and says that there were two reasons for wanting me to work on this project, first was the fact that I'm new and would as a result have a different perspective than those who have been with the company for much longer, and second because everyone else would be too busy to work on such projects. He further states that when I start to get more responsibilities I would probably refuse to work on similar projects in the future. I object to this statement, and so he explains this to me: On a day to day basis, people work their normal 8 hours a day, working on projects like this one would require 10 extra hours a week, how do you think people would be able to accomplish this?
So to explain, yesterday or the day before yesterday, he mentioned how people are often too afraid to take overtime for whatever reason... and he bluntly told me that if I ever had to take overtime, just to take it.
I've never been afraid to work, I've worked long hours before, working weekends, etc, if need be, so working long and hard isn't an issue... so I replied, with overtime. And he nodds. He then says, we have people work on these types of projects, and then when they know the team/department's process better, they can work on corporate projects. Those, he says, are what he thinks are most important. So I asked when he would consider someone to be experienced enough to work on those corporate projects, and he says that's very objective, it depends on the person... between 6 months to a year, and 6 months would be a stretch.
So I'm determined to learn as much as I can in the 6 months that I'm here, and will prove him wrong. I'll stay later if I have to, and get there earlier if I must. I need to get to that corporate project level, and I need to be one step ahead of everyone else. I need to get my engines going, and start trucking, because a lot of people have been there much longer! I need to show them that I can and am able to be that out-of-the-box thinker...!
I am determined.
Ever since early yesterday morning, I've been feeling a little down in the gutter. My coworker in the course of our conversation about first time buying and mortgages mentioned her base salary. When I was initially offered the job, I had waited for about two months from the first email from the director to my phone offer to hear back from them. I had lost a lot of hope in working at what seemed like the best company, because of philanthropy, work environment, people and overall growth opportunity... so when HR called my direct line at my then job, I was so ecstatic that I practically jumped out of my desk chair. And you know how the rest goes, without a thought, I agreed to the first job offer... only to regret it 5 minutes after I get off the phone. It was much lower than what I had asked for, but it was definitely more than what I had made previously. By the week's end, I had talked myself into how great it is other than the fact that I didn't exactly get what I wanted, but overall, if I fell on my face on my way to work, I knew I had the coverage to take care of me, and Chuck's philosophy on contributing to the community, and promoting that within was great!
For the last month that I've been there, the thought of my salary never crossed my mind. I of course aspire to be better, to learn more, and to earn more as a result, but it wasn't something that made me worry, at all. Until yesterday. This girl, several months older than myself, having worked at the company for about a year and a half was making about 1/4th more... earning well above what I had asked for... maybe she negotiated, and was more composed than I was. And I know I was excited from the very beginning.
Anyway, I finally took some of the smaller projects that I've been working on in the past month that I've been with the company, and instead of waiting around for people to eventually get to me, I updated and revised the various components of procedures that I worked on, and submitted them. My director calls me shortly to ask if I had mirrored the template that I had received from the team lead in the other team that I work very closely with, and after receiving an answer to his liking, told me that he would forward my documents to the director of the Audits/Controls team, and we would make revisions as needed after he reviews them.
I started to work on the AMD project that has been sitting around untouched for the past couple of months without any updates... and decided that if it was important to my director, it's something I should update, and pronto!
In the midst of my updates to the system, I receive an email from my director about setting objectives and updating if needed. I skim through the website, and decide this is a good opportunity to go in and talk to my director. So I amble in, interrupt his emailing moment, and ask about the objectives.
Since I started working with the company, I have worked on Non Marketplace trading, and have intermittently worked on projects in between trades... and constantly going into my director's office, and various team leads and senior manager's cubicles to tell them that I don't have enough to do. I guess I got my point across. Yesterday afternoon, after the conference call with the people in Phoenix, my director asked me to stay to chat. So we discussed the projects, what I saw as potential downsides and my involvement with the project. This leads to a very vague discussion on redistribution of responsibilities within the two teams that he manages... and because of my constant nagging, they suggested that I help out where I can with projects that the other team has been overloaded with, the Non Standard Assets, something that my team lead says would be interesting because not a lot of people know about them, or know how they work.
So anyway, back to today, my director essentially touches on how the objectives are across the teams, and are essentially very general. This goes on to include why we have objectives, and at the year end evaluation (really important!) whatever we've accomplished throughout the year will play an important part, especially if we believe our ratings are not quite up to our own expectations. He mentions that my involvement with SAP would be something to be noted, and I randomly divulge that my involvement with SAP seemed to follow with my involvement with writing procedures and guidelines for Non Marketplace trading. He corrects me at this point and says that there were two reasons for wanting me to work on this project, first was the fact that I'm new and would as a result have a different perspective than those who have been with the company for much longer, and second because everyone else would be too busy to work on such projects. He further states that when I start to get more responsibilities I would probably refuse to work on similar projects in the future. I object to this statement, and so he explains this to me: On a day to day basis, people work their normal 8 hours a day, working on projects like this one would require 10 extra hours a week, how do you think people would be able to accomplish this?
So to explain, yesterday or the day before yesterday, he mentioned how people are often too afraid to take overtime for whatever reason... and he bluntly told me that if I ever had to take overtime, just to take it.
I've never been afraid to work, I've worked long hours before, working weekends, etc, if need be, so working long and hard isn't an issue... so I replied, with overtime. And he nodds. He then says, we have people work on these types of projects, and then when they know the team/department's process better, they can work on corporate projects. Those, he says, are what he thinks are most important. So I asked when he would consider someone to be experienced enough to work on those corporate projects, and he says that's very objective, it depends on the person... between 6 months to a year, and 6 months would be a stretch.
So I'm determined to learn as much as I can in the 6 months that I'm here, and will prove him wrong. I'll stay later if I have to, and get there earlier if I must. I need to get to that corporate project level, and I need to be one step ahead of everyone else. I need to get my engines going, and start trucking, because a lot of people have been there much longer! I need to show them that I can and am able to be that out-of-the-box thinker...!
I am determined.
Friday, July 13
Jul 13, 2007
Today has been a very interesting bonding experience with some of my coworkers. Interesting = good. And I've been conferencing with some people in Phoenix, and they seem like a nice bunch, I like them a lot, they're not quite as intimidating as they seemed when we first gathered last Friday. The project is coming along, because Brian is heading it, and I'm just giving my input, and trying to be helpful, but really Brian could manage that project alone, if need be.
Anyway to my topic.
Early this morning I was walking in the direction of the bathroom, down the hall, as I walk past a dark brunette I met briefly earlier in the month when I started, she whispers "I wouldn't go there if I were you.." and hurries along. I turn around confused, and she stops to explain, "It smells really bad in there... you are going to the bathroom, aren't you??" I simply took her word for it, and took the elevator upstairs to use the 8th floor bathroom. I wasn't exactly sure how someone could stink up the entire bathroom, but I wasn't about to find out.
Of course, in the last week, because of my late nights watching this Taiwan Romantic Comedy, I haven't been getting enough sleep, so I've been downing all sorts of caffeine throughout the day to get my system running. Anyway, today I reverted back to the healthier alternative, green tea. With enough tea, I can use the bathroom nonstop. So I'm making my way towards the bathroom, again, and I notice most of the stalls, save for the one that doesn't necessarily lock, and the one between two people... the others were taken. I figured it'd be safer to take the one that locks if someone randomly decides to ram the door, I wouldn't be sitting there half shocked, and half embarrassed. Anyway, I walk into the stall, and I take a turn... and then I start smelling it. I notice these really big jeans from the stall from which the smell was coming... and I just walk back out, and to the elevator.
When I first mentioned the bathroom incident to my coworker int he morning, she disposed of the identity of the suspect leaving the disgusting smell... so I noticed the jeans... and moved, I didn't want to be there when she had let out entirely. Good call, because the smell got worse as I was leaving several seconds later...
Anyway to my topic.
Early this morning I was walking in the direction of the bathroom, down the hall, as I walk past a dark brunette I met briefly earlier in the month when I started, she whispers "I wouldn't go there if I were you.." and hurries along. I turn around confused, and she stops to explain, "It smells really bad in there... you are going to the bathroom, aren't you??" I simply took her word for it, and took the elevator upstairs to use the 8th floor bathroom. I wasn't exactly sure how someone could stink up the entire bathroom, but I wasn't about to find out.
Of course, in the last week, because of my late nights watching this Taiwan Romantic Comedy, I haven't been getting enough sleep, so I've been downing all sorts of caffeine throughout the day to get my system running. Anyway, today I reverted back to the healthier alternative, green tea. With enough tea, I can use the bathroom nonstop. So I'm making my way towards the bathroom, again, and I notice most of the stalls, save for the one that doesn't necessarily lock, and the one between two people... the others were taken. I figured it'd be safer to take the one that locks if someone randomly decides to ram the door, I wouldn't be sitting there half shocked, and half embarrassed. Anyway, I walk into the stall, and I take a turn... and then I start smelling it. I notice these really big jeans from the stall from which the smell was coming... and I just walk back out, and to the elevator.
When I first mentioned the bathroom incident to my coworker int he morning, she disposed of the identity of the suspect leaving the disgusting smell... so I noticed the jeans... and moved, I didn't want to be there when she had let out entirely. Good call, because the smell got worse as I was leaving several seconds later...
Wednesday, July 11
Jul 11, 2007
It's only been about a month since I started here, and I've been a part of a birthday, going-away, company, celebration of some sort at least once a week. With two more such events next Monday and Friday. Although they bring people closer, I feel a little... tired of them, too. I'm super sleepy after the burger, even though at the time, the food didn't seem too heavy...
All I want to do is sleep.
On another note, I cannot wait until Sunday for AIDS Walk 2007! It'll be my 8-9th AIDS Walk that I've volunteered for... and now I'm getting some of my closest friends involved in it, too. Although they probably will not have the same enthusiasm for it as I would, it'll be interesting to see the energy they bring to the event.
I think my fraternity will also be attending the event, so it'll be interesting to see them all there. I wonder if my lb has decided, yet.
All I want to do is sleep.
On another note, I cannot wait until Sunday for AIDS Walk 2007! It'll be my 8-9th AIDS Walk that I've volunteered for... and now I'm getting some of my closest friends involved in it, too. Although they probably will not have the same enthusiasm for it as I would, it'll be interesting to see the energy they bring to the event.
I think my fraternity will also be attending the event, so it'll be interesting to see them all there. I wonder if my lb has decided, yet.
Tuesday, July 10
Jul 10, 2007
I've been involved with charity events for about half of my life, ever since I could safely ride the bus alone. Although I was never able to fundraise for them, I was always able to volunteer at them, giving the support that I could give, even if it couldn't be financial support.
Somehow that doesn't seem like enough. MAybe it's because I have the ability to donate now that makes it seem like everyone else who is able should also donate to the causes that I support. Of course not everyone feels the same way about charity as I do. My friends who spend some $20 on ONE lunch, who spend about $20 on ONE bottle of hair gel, are the same friends who won't donate more than $5 to the cause. That actually makes me a little irritated, and the ones who donate are the ones who won't spend a dollar more on a shirt just because. Ironic, isn't it? It would make moer sense if the ones who spent more donated more, but maybe the idea is that if you spend $20 on charity, that same $20 could go to that ONE extra lunch one could have.
Really, how does that make sense?
Somehow that doesn't seem like enough. MAybe it's because I have the ability to donate now that makes it seem like everyone else who is able should also donate to the causes that I support. Of course not everyone feels the same way about charity as I do. My friends who spend some $20 on ONE lunch, who spend about $20 on ONE bottle of hair gel, are the same friends who won't donate more than $5 to the cause. That actually makes me a little irritated, and the ones who donate are the ones who won't spend a dollar more on a shirt just because. Ironic, isn't it? It would make moer sense if the ones who spent more donated more, but maybe the idea is that if you spend $20 on charity, that same $20 could go to that ONE extra lunch one could have.
Really, how does that make sense?
Jul 10, 2007
I use to wonder how people could send emails from a future time, until I accidentally sent one myself.
I didn't get it, then, though.
If the computer clock is set to a future date, say September 11, 2007, all emails, if sent from Outlook takes on the same date! Exciting!
I didn't get it, then, though.
If the computer clock is set to a future date, say September 11, 2007, all emails, if sent from Outlook takes on the same date! Exciting!
Jul 10, 2007
I wonder how many people happen to come across my blog.
For the most part, I like the idea of not speaking to any particular audience, if an audience even exists. I find it comforting to know that although I am disposing of myself to the world on the internet, my identity is for the most part safe from scrutiny. My actions to those who come across them will mean nothing because I am nothing. I'm another person in the sea of bloggers disposing whatever one wills, without regard for anyone or anything, and that works for me.
I have friends who like(d) to share all their inner thoughts with all their close friends, and at one point in my first year in college, I liked writing some of my thoughts for everyone, too. Probably, (and most likely,) because it was the in thing to do. Even then, I kept two journals, one for my eyes only. Why would I share my deepest and darkest thoughts with people who only deem to know me, who in actuality don't know me at all. They presume to know me, when they've only just scratched the surface, so when I do dispose of my feelings, I feel the seering eyes, and the lightbulbs turn on, because they think, Oh!, I've just figured her out!, then of course, comes the criticism, sometimes, hypocrisy.
I find it especially annoying when people who appear to be my closest friends presume to know me, and all of my actions, behaviors, and opinions, and then proceed to judge me based on them. When really, how long have they really known me, and how long have I had to live with my own decisions, etc?
I am far from a pessimist, although sometimes I may come off as one, and I don't mean to sound so negative, but people really have taken the idea of growing up in an "independent" society too far.
I miss innocence.
For the most part, I like the idea of not speaking to any particular audience, if an audience even exists. I find it comforting to know that although I am disposing of myself to the world on the internet, my identity is for the most part safe from scrutiny. My actions to those who come across them will mean nothing because I am nothing. I'm another person in the sea of bloggers disposing whatever one wills, without regard for anyone or anything, and that works for me.
I have friends who like(d) to share all their inner thoughts with all their close friends, and at one point in my first year in college, I liked writing some of my thoughts for everyone, too. Probably, (and most likely,) because it was the in thing to do. Even then, I kept two journals, one for my eyes only. Why would I share my deepest and darkest thoughts with people who only deem to know me, who in actuality don't know me at all. They presume to know me, when they've only just scratched the surface, so when I do dispose of my feelings, I feel the seering eyes, and the lightbulbs turn on, because they think, Oh!, I've just figured her out!, then of course, comes the criticism, sometimes, hypocrisy.
I find it especially annoying when people who appear to be my closest friends presume to know me, and all of my actions, behaviors, and opinions, and then proceed to judge me based on them. When really, how long have they really known me, and how long have I had to live with my own decisions, etc?
I am far from a pessimist, although sometimes I may come off as one, and I don't mean to sound so negative, but people really have taken the idea of growing up in an "independent" society too far.
I miss innocence.
Monday, July 9
Jul 9, 2007
It reminds me of the 1 in 8 breast cancer statistic!
People skim far too often for their own good. Or they go over the most crucial bit of a statistic, and it changes the dynamic or perspective of the entire fact!!
People skim far too often for their own good. Or they go over the most crucial bit of a statistic, and it changes the dynamic or perspective of the entire fact!!
Saturday, July 7
Jul 7, 2007
I hadn't showered and my hair was a mess, but there was no time now.
---
"Are you going out, too?"
:Yeah...:
"Where are you going??"
:To watch the same movie Andrew watched last night...:
"Who are you going with??"
:-----:
"...."
I had gone shopping, again, prompted mostly from Henry's exclamation that Express was having a sale, and having stopped into a couple of stores a little after our lunch out in Union Square, I drove out to a more local outdoor mall and made several purchases at Ann Taylor Loft, and Express. I bought mostly career clothes, seeing that I have next to no time to wear normal, street clothes, and a couple of relatively nice looking CHEAP, bright colored tank tops (one in yellow, and the other in red). I chose the yellow for the night, and a pair of diesel jeans, flats for dancing comfort, and adorned a navy blue sweatshirt with my flowy top bunched under my sweatshirt to avoid suspicion.
I learned the night before, when put on the guestlist that someone I had previously dated would also be going, per request from a high school friend. Somehow in the time that we stopped dating, and he deciding to part ways with Christianity, he had become rather close to my partying friend. Quite a change from the ways of Christianity, I might add.
For one odd reason or another, I had decided despite the lack of a shower, I would still try as best as I could to look presentable, partly knowing that the person I previously dated would be there. I threw on some eyeliner, and some blush... and 10 minutes later, I get a call, and although I had put my contacts on, with my eyeliner in place... I set my glasses atop, squinted not looking anywhere, or at anyone, in particular, and rushed out the door.
Two seconds later, I whip the glasses off my face, run to the passenger side of the car, and hop in, only to be greeted by my friend's usual gay humor, "ewww what are you wearing?".
Of course, the rest of the guys were dawdling, and we ended up back at my friend's house. With less pressure to hide, I head for the bathroom mirror, and put on the rest of my face. It was only half complete... with my new interest in upscale makeup, applying makeup had transformed into an art creation, each time.
After some slow driving on the freeway, we get to the Mason St., tenderloin district, club Crash. The event is Crash Fridays, a different theme each Friday, created for the masses, with unmatched parallels, even within it's own crowd scene. We had been somewhat misinformed, at least at the time, that the club was quite empty. We walked up to a line, and we were some 20 feet from the entrance, with a second line forming on the opposite side of the entrance. The promoter walked by, thankfully, and my friend secured our free entrance into the club. And with good timing... they started to make people on the guestlist pay $10 cover to get into the club, since it had passed 11PM.
Lo and behold, we walk into a near empty club, and I'm thoroughly disappointed. The guys walk towards what looked like the door to the men's bathroom, and the guys prompt me to follow. I'm a tad withdrawn because I'm not sure where they were leading me. And as it turns out, they were going downstairs TO the bathrooms, not INTO the men's bathroom. The bathroom is crowded with females all too heavily made up, and for the most part, they looked rather uncomfortable, and well, like they party a little too much. They're all scantily clad, and as it should be, I suppose, they are what makes the clubbing scene.
I have a brief conversation with the man sitting on a stool, and then amble up towards the party, only to find that we would go up to the next floor, where the real party was at. I had no idea that the themes and atmosphere would change so drastically, separated by two flights of stairs was what appeared to be a very small dance area, but was much fuller than the more eclectic floor downstairs. Most of the crowd was here, and just as expected, my company of all guys head towards the bar, and I was bought my first drink - redbull and vodka, by a pimply friend of my friend. I down that, no problem!
My own friend who had come with me was nowhere to be found, I see his head some minutes later, walking behind the girl that he had once liked, and vice versa, and I'm stuck with a bunch of guys who dance seldom, or not at all. I had anticipated it, going to the club with a group of guys who don't dance much or at all, or need company to dance well wasn't what I would think of as a good time, so I was somewhat prepared for the long night.
When my friend finally returns to me, he offers to buy a drink, and so goes my second drink - AMF. After a couple of sips, I realize the drink was almost entirely vodka, way too strong from what I've previously had, and in my college years, I would have downed the drink, no problem, but after some months of sobriety, I was not prepared to have a drunken night out with my group of all guy friends. Instead, I offer my drink to my guy friends, all of which turned my drink away with a curt "c'mon finish it, you bought it!"
After drinking most of the drink, I amble over to my friend waiting for the restroom, and we stand around until the restroom frees. While waiting, an old friend from college walks towards my area, and soon enough I learn of his recent relationship break up, and I randomly decide to change hands with his accompanying friend. After all of the bathroom breaks, my new dance partner and I head for the dance floor to dance. By this time, I had had too much vodka in my system, and was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. Although I don’t need alcohol to dance, my inhibitions completely fall short while intoxicated, and I danced like there was no tomorrow. After some minutes of this, my new friend offers to buy me a drink, and goes my third – grey goose shot.
By the end of the night, I had changed hands fairly frequently. I danced with my friend’s coworker who had accompanied his exgirlfriend to the club, and had brought along another of my friend’s, an exgirlfriend to my other guy friend. I had partnered with the coworker, my own friend that had accompanied me, my friend’s friend, the last guy I dated, and the best time I had was jumping up and down to Kelly Clarkson's "Since you’ve been gone".
During the course of the night, my new friend has asked for my number in order to take me out during the day, I had somehow avoided the question, but by the end of the night, I was intrigued enough to tell him to give me his number. I hand him my phone, and he punches in his number. He's probably the smartest guy I've met by far... I wake up this morning, and see a text from an unfamiliar number. I read it, and it's signed Jon. Memories from the previous night rushed back to me, and I fancy the idea that the guy has somehow gotten my number without my knowing. And sure enough, while punching in his number, he had dialed it, so he got my number as a result, and was thus able to send me a quick text later in the night. And it was subtle enough to not seem desperate and intrusive.
What seemed funny to me was my blacked out memory, or selective memory of the night's events. I had exchanged kisses with both of my friends who had exs at the club, and thoroughly enjoyed the earlier exchange with someone I'm only starting to get to know. I do feel a little ashamed of the fact that I had let my inhibitions go, but at the same time, I'm not regretful enough to completely cut off ties to my friends. I brush them off as though they didn't happen, and move on as any other male would in similar situations.
Equally puzzling would be my interaction with the guy I had previously dated. I was not the one to call it off, I had decided for some time after we started chatting that I needed some time to collect myself, and to get myself into the dating mindset. I was still very much into my independence, my time with friends, and all that jazz, but it seemed as though I was asking for too much me-time, and he couldn't hang. He wanted out. I had pretty much anticipated that if he were able to wait for me for some months, I would eventually come around, but then again, not too many people can sit around while the world passes them, waiting for someone who seems not at all interested. And although he had called it off, and said that he felt all of these things about our incompatibility, he only further contradicted what he later tells me. One minute, he doesn't like emailing me, and finds it difficult to talk to me on the phone, and the next minute, he really looked forward to my emails and found our conversations stimulating.
I knew that despite everything, there would be something there. And sure enough, the entire night, the friend who accompanied me to the club was not the only friend to consciously, and actively watch me. He appeared several times throughout the night, often pulling me away from my new friend for his own benefit. Sometime during the night he whispered that I looked really good that night, and although it was flattering, I had stopped being interested in pursuing a relationship with him, and the comment did not do anything for me. I did not fawn over him, probably as he would have wanted me to, or try to get at him like I had first done under the influence. I was polite.
The most shocking part of the night happened in the car...
---
"Are you going out, too?"
:Yeah...:
"Where are you going??"
:To watch the same movie Andrew watched last night...:
"Who are you going with??"
:-----:
"...."
I had gone shopping, again, prompted mostly from Henry's exclamation that Express was having a sale, and having stopped into a couple of stores a little after our lunch out in Union Square, I drove out to a more local outdoor mall and made several purchases at Ann Taylor Loft, and Express. I bought mostly career clothes, seeing that I have next to no time to wear normal, street clothes, and a couple of relatively nice looking CHEAP, bright colored tank tops (one in yellow, and the other in red). I chose the yellow for the night, and a pair of diesel jeans, flats for dancing comfort, and adorned a navy blue sweatshirt with my flowy top bunched under my sweatshirt to avoid suspicion.
I learned the night before, when put on the guestlist that someone I had previously dated would also be going, per request from a high school friend. Somehow in the time that we stopped dating, and he deciding to part ways with Christianity, he had become rather close to my partying friend. Quite a change from the ways of Christianity, I might add.
For one odd reason or another, I had decided despite the lack of a shower, I would still try as best as I could to look presentable, partly knowing that the person I previously dated would be there. I threw on some eyeliner, and some blush... and 10 minutes later, I get a call, and although I had put my contacts on, with my eyeliner in place... I set my glasses atop, squinted not looking anywhere, or at anyone, in particular, and rushed out the door.
Two seconds later, I whip the glasses off my face, run to the passenger side of the car, and hop in, only to be greeted by my friend's usual gay humor, "ewww what are you wearing?".
Of course, the rest of the guys were dawdling, and we ended up back at my friend's house. With less pressure to hide, I head for the bathroom mirror, and put on the rest of my face. It was only half complete... with my new interest in upscale makeup, applying makeup had transformed into an art creation, each time.
After some slow driving on the freeway, we get to the Mason St., tenderloin district, club Crash. The event is Crash Fridays, a different theme each Friday, created for the masses, with unmatched parallels, even within it's own crowd scene. We had been somewhat misinformed, at least at the time, that the club was quite empty. We walked up to a line, and we were some 20 feet from the entrance, with a second line forming on the opposite side of the entrance. The promoter walked by, thankfully, and my friend secured our free entrance into the club. And with good timing... they started to make people on the guestlist pay $10 cover to get into the club, since it had passed 11PM.
Lo and behold, we walk into a near empty club, and I'm thoroughly disappointed. The guys walk towards what looked like the door to the men's bathroom, and the guys prompt me to follow. I'm a tad withdrawn because I'm not sure where they were leading me. And as it turns out, they were going downstairs TO the bathrooms, not INTO the men's bathroom. The bathroom is crowded with females all too heavily made up, and for the most part, they looked rather uncomfortable, and well, like they party a little too much. They're all scantily clad, and as it should be, I suppose, they are what makes the clubbing scene.
I have a brief conversation with the man sitting on a stool, and then amble up towards the party, only to find that we would go up to the next floor, where the real party was at. I had no idea that the themes and atmosphere would change so drastically, separated by two flights of stairs was what appeared to be a very small dance area, but was much fuller than the more eclectic floor downstairs. Most of the crowd was here, and just as expected, my company of all guys head towards the bar, and I was bought my first drink - redbull and vodka, by a pimply friend of my friend. I down that, no problem!
My own friend who had come with me was nowhere to be found, I see his head some minutes later, walking behind the girl that he had once liked, and vice versa, and I'm stuck with a bunch of guys who dance seldom, or not at all. I had anticipated it, going to the club with a group of guys who don't dance much or at all, or need company to dance well wasn't what I would think of as a good time, so I was somewhat prepared for the long night.
When my friend finally returns to me, he offers to buy a drink, and so goes my second drink - AMF. After a couple of sips, I realize the drink was almost entirely vodka, way too strong from what I've previously had, and in my college years, I would have downed the drink, no problem, but after some months of sobriety, I was not prepared to have a drunken night out with my group of all guy friends. Instead, I offer my drink to my guy friends, all of which turned my drink away with a curt "c'mon finish it, you bought it!"
After drinking most of the drink, I amble over to my friend waiting for the restroom, and we stand around until the restroom frees. While waiting, an old friend from college walks towards my area, and soon enough I learn of his recent relationship break up, and I randomly decide to change hands with his accompanying friend. After all of the bathroom breaks, my new dance partner and I head for the dance floor to dance. By this time, I had had too much vodka in my system, and was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. Although I don’t need alcohol to dance, my inhibitions completely fall short while intoxicated, and I danced like there was no tomorrow. After some minutes of this, my new friend offers to buy me a drink, and goes my third – grey goose shot.
By the end of the night, I had changed hands fairly frequently. I danced with my friend’s coworker who had accompanied his exgirlfriend to the club, and had brought along another of my friend’s, an exgirlfriend to my other guy friend. I had partnered with the coworker, my own friend that had accompanied me, my friend’s friend, the last guy I dated, and the best time I had was jumping up and down to Kelly Clarkson's "Since you’ve been gone".
During the course of the night, my new friend has asked for my number in order to take me out during the day, I had somehow avoided the question, but by the end of the night, I was intrigued enough to tell him to give me his number. I hand him my phone, and he punches in his number. He's probably the smartest guy I've met by far... I wake up this morning, and see a text from an unfamiliar number. I read it, and it's signed Jon. Memories from the previous night rushed back to me, and I fancy the idea that the guy has somehow gotten my number without my knowing. And sure enough, while punching in his number, he had dialed it, so he got my number as a result, and was thus able to send me a quick text later in the night. And it was subtle enough to not seem desperate and intrusive.
What seemed funny to me was my blacked out memory, or selective memory of the night's events. I had exchanged kisses with both of my friends who had exs at the club, and thoroughly enjoyed the earlier exchange with someone I'm only starting to get to know. I do feel a little ashamed of the fact that I had let my inhibitions go, but at the same time, I'm not regretful enough to completely cut off ties to my friends. I brush them off as though they didn't happen, and move on as any other male would in similar situations.
Equally puzzling would be my interaction with the guy I had previously dated. I was not the one to call it off, I had decided for some time after we started chatting that I needed some time to collect myself, and to get myself into the dating mindset. I was still very much into my independence, my time with friends, and all that jazz, but it seemed as though I was asking for too much me-time, and he couldn't hang. He wanted out. I had pretty much anticipated that if he were able to wait for me for some months, I would eventually come around, but then again, not too many people can sit around while the world passes them, waiting for someone who seems not at all interested. And although he had called it off, and said that he felt all of these things about our incompatibility, he only further contradicted what he later tells me. One minute, he doesn't like emailing me, and finds it difficult to talk to me on the phone, and the next minute, he really looked forward to my emails and found our conversations stimulating.
I knew that despite everything, there would be something there. And sure enough, the entire night, the friend who accompanied me to the club was not the only friend to consciously, and actively watch me. He appeared several times throughout the night, often pulling me away from my new friend for his own benefit. Sometime during the night he whispered that I looked really good that night, and although it was flattering, I had stopped being interested in pursuing a relationship with him, and the comment did not do anything for me. I did not fawn over him, probably as he would have wanted me to, or try to get at him like I had first done under the influence. I was polite.
The most shocking part of the night happened in the car...
Friday, July 6
Jul 6, 2007
I am bored, at work. Maybe it's because I'm just about through with learning the Non Marketplace procedures, I've written up the guidelines for future employees, and my director is so busy he barely has a minute inbetween scheduled meetings... he's so busy that he often has 2-3 meetings scheduled for the same time! Of course, he can only physically be at one, so he decides the minute of the meetings which to attend. I always have the chats with him, and he apologizes profusely for having to make me wait for something more permanent to do, but still... he hasn't the time. Not just yet.
So I go out to lunch for a little longer, and I don't freak out as much when I come back 10-15 minutes later, because I only come back to an empty cubicle with very little work that requires any serious deadlines. At least when I was working the Nonmarket I had those deadlines and the day seemed a lot shorter, but it did feel like a deadend position...
Maybe it was the July 4th Wednesday off, and there's just staggered work days because market closed early... hmmm
Actually I don't quite know how to describe it. Maybe it's a Friday, and trades are just far fewer.....
So I go out to lunch for a little longer, and I don't freak out as much when I come back 10-15 minutes later, because I only come back to an empty cubicle with very little work that requires any serious deadlines. At least when I was working the Nonmarket I had those deadlines and the day seemed a lot shorter, but it did feel like a deadend position...
Maybe it was the July 4th Wednesday off, and there's just staggered work days because market closed early... hmmm
Actually I don't quite know how to describe it. Maybe it's a Friday, and trades are just far fewer.....
Friday, June 29
Jun 29, 2007
Our systems went down for about 2-3 hours today, right in the middle of running macros for month-end. And the whole dynamic of the situation, of using macros, and how it would be more efficient to have a program run the process instead of locking out computers came up.
It's interesting, although the company is relatively stable, we're still using macros on excel to do our work, when it is evident that people should be creating programs to run the same process. The only drawback is having to create the program... which would take a long time. Or it was suggested that the programs not run on our local computers... but somehow the programs are still loaded onto our local computers, and when macros need to be run for month/quarter/half-year/year end, nearly all activity becomes impossible, because we need excel to do a lot of our work.
I wonder why no one has thought to fix this, or anyone with the capability to...
It's interesting, although the company is relatively stable, we're still using macros on excel to do our work, when it is evident that people should be creating programs to run the same process. The only drawback is having to create the program... which would take a long time. Or it was suggested that the programs not run on our local computers... but somehow the programs are still loaded onto our local computers, and when macros need to be run for month/quarter/half-year/year end, nearly all activity becomes impossible, because we need excel to do a lot of our work.
I wonder why no one has thought to fix this, or anyone with the capability to...
Thursday, June 28
Jun 28, 2007
When I started at Schwab about a month ago, I thought since the former CEO returned to the company to help the company grow, I would one day, not soon, post outside of the very building which houses his office, and wait until he appeared, so I could either take a picture with him, or just introduce myself. (A fan thing to do, I know)
I was going downstairs to get my usual afternoon beverage at the Cafe on the first floor, and just as the door opened, the floor was swamped with men in business suits. It was a little strange, but I brushed it off as another potential client that upper management was trying to schmooze. Just as I walked in front of the group, a man says "Mr. Schwab, this way...", so I did a double and triple take of the group of 20 - 30 men, and spotted Charles Schwab near the corner of the group of men.
He looks exactly like his profile picture on the internal website, the Schweb!, except seeing him in person is so much more thrilling than seeing him on the web. He would probably be the first "celebrity" I have seen SO close, I potentially could have reached my arms out and touched him, had I known he was in front of my face the entire time. Too bad I saw him just as I was passing by him to go through security.
*Phew*
Anyway, isn't this interesting....
Execution of Mentally Ill Killer Blocked on NYTimes.com today.
I was going downstairs to get my usual afternoon beverage at the Cafe on the first floor, and just as the door opened, the floor was swamped with men in business suits. It was a little strange, but I brushed it off as another potential client that upper management was trying to schmooze. Just as I walked in front of the group, a man says "Mr. Schwab, this way...", so I did a double and triple take of the group of 20 - 30 men, and spotted Charles Schwab near the corner of the group of men.
He looks exactly like his profile picture on the internal website, the Schweb!, except seeing him in person is so much more thrilling than seeing him on the web. He would probably be the first "celebrity" I have seen SO close, I potentially could have reached my arms out and touched him, had I known he was in front of my face the entire time. Too bad I saw him just as I was passing by him to go through security.
*Phew*
Anyway, isn't this interesting....
Execution of Mentally Ill Killer Blocked on NYTimes.com today.
Monday, June 25
Jun 25, 2007
I often thought that my closest friends would be the most understanding; however, through the years, I've also learned they are the ones most likely to stab you in the back and not have any regrets, and if not stab in the back, they "fight" the dirtiest because over time they've in a sense gained my confidance and trust.
Last night for the first time, I felt really betrayed. Although it was between the two of us, it was still what I'd consider a "low blow". I made a comment, and retrospectively, I probably should have chosen my audience for that comment more carefully, but I had thought that he'd be truly accepting of any opinion I had, merely because he's a close friend and should know that my comments are entirely my opinion. Yet at the same time, even without disclosure, that fact should be duly noted.
I commented on how another friend and I wanted to date older guys.
I guess to begin with, there was a problem there, my close friend is OUR age, so he may have already taken that to be insulting, and maybe not even insulting so much, that.
In any case, he stupidly asks, why would you want to?
So I explained why I wanted to, and how I felt that guys our age didn't have the same mentality. Noting nothing further than that. He somehow got enraged, and decided to make completely belligerent remarks, without having thought over what he was saying. He essentially started telling me what I was saying, (putting words in my mouth) that what I WAS saying was that guys my age were not UP TO PAR. Not my words.
I further explained that I thought guys my age acted younger, and for example the guys that we met the previous night, although were "much older" seemed no older than late 25-26, which is essentially perfect because mentality and personality, everything as one, how a person behaves adds to the age factor. Of course this latter part is an embellishment to further explain my train of thought. I told him no more than that the guys from the night before seemed like they were OUR age.
I'm not sure if this seems out of the blue, or not, but I was insulted nonetheless. "I think you only want to date older guys because they're more established, and have more to offer".
No, that doesn't have accusation written all over it. That doesn't show that my CLOSE friend just called me a "gold digger". Maybe some of you think that he didn't actually say that, but coming from someone who has been my friend for some 9 years, that's hurtful. Yes I made a generalization that I shouldn't have made to him, possibly only to females, because apparently I have a really sensitive friend, but no less, it was my opinion based on my experiences. And outright he says that's what I'm doing.
I'm sure if I confided in some of my other closer friends, they'll simply reject my feelings, and tell me that he had no intention of saying what I thought he said, instead, he was just stating a fact, that I am generalizing a whole group of people.
Yes, I do admit, for the umpteenth time that I did generalize. I did in the course of our discussion/argument tell him that in choosing to date an older man, the chance of meeting someone who still acted/behaved as though they were 14 was smaller. His only remark was that I didn't make any sense. I'm sure I made perfect sense. Dating someone my age there's a 75% possibly higher chance that he still thinks/wants to be in college. And to add on top of that, I'm already much older than most of my friends, because I was born several days later than the cut off date. I've never acted as though I was 12 when I was 12, and have not acted that way while growing up. I was forced in a sense to grow up and fend for myself, and here comes someone who's just beginning to understand me and what I have to live with telling me what I'm after when making a choice for myself. Hmmm interesting.
It only makes me that much more angry when discussing it. Thankfully I have the one friend who agrees, and to make it even better thinks he's also a little well young for his age. I often feel like I have to explain why I think what I think to him, as though explaining to a 2 year old why it is that the sky is blue... maybe not that bad.
Vent over!
Last night for the first time, I felt really betrayed. Although it was between the two of us, it was still what I'd consider a "low blow". I made a comment, and retrospectively, I probably should have chosen my audience for that comment more carefully, but I had thought that he'd be truly accepting of any opinion I had, merely because he's a close friend and should know that my comments are entirely my opinion. Yet at the same time, even without disclosure, that fact should be duly noted.
I commented on how another friend and I wanted to date older guys.
I guess to begin with, there was a problem there, my close friend is OUR age, so he may have already taken that to be insulting, and maybe not even insulting so much, that.
In any case, he stupidly asks, why would you want to?
So I explained why I wanted to, and how I felt that guys our age didn't have the same mentality. Noting nothing further than that. He somehow got enraged, and decided to make completely belligerent remarks, without having thought over what he was saying. He essentially started telling me what I was saying, (putting words in my mouth) that what I WAS saying was that guys my age were not UP TO PAR. Not my words.
I further explained that I thought guys my age acted younger, and for example the guys that we met the previous night, although were "much older" seemed no older than late 25-26, which is essentially perfect because mentality and personality, everything as one, how a person behaves adds to the age factor. Of course this latter part is an embellishment to further explain my train of thought. I told him no more than that the guys from the night before seemed like they were OUR age.
I'm not sure if this seems out of the blue, or not, but I was insulted nonetheless. "I think you only want to date older guys because they're more established, and have more to offer".
No, that doesn't have accusation written all over it. That doesn't show that my CLOSE friend just called me a "gold digger". Maybe some of you think that he didn't actually say that, but coming from someone who has been my friend for some 9 years, that's hurtful. Yes I made a generalization that I shouldn't have made to him, possibly only to females, because apparently I have a really sensitive friend, but no less, it was my opinion based on my experiences. And outright he says that's what I'm doing.
I'm sure if I confided in some of my other closer friends, they'll simply reject my feelings, and tell me that he had no intention of saying what I thought he said, instead, he was just stating a fact, that I am generalizing a whole group of people.
Yes, I do admit, for the umpteenth time that I did generalize. I did in the course of our discussion/argument tell him that in choosing to date an older man, the chance of meeting someone who still acted/behaved as though they were 14 was smaller. His only remark was that I didn't make any sense. I'm sure I made perfect sense. Dating someone my age there's a 75% possibly higher chance that he still thinks/wants to be in college. And to add on top of that, I'm already much older than most of my friends, because I was born several days later than the cut off date. I've never acted as though I was 12 when I was 12, and have not acted that way while growing up. I was forced in a sense to grow up and fend for myself, and here comes someone who's just beginning to understand me and what I have to live with telling me what I'm after when making a choice for myself. Hmmm interesting.
It only makes me that much more angry when discussing it. Thankfully I have the one friend who agrees, and to make it even better thinks he's also a little well young for his age. I often feel like I have to explain why I think what I think to him, as though explaining to a 2 year old why it is that the sky is blue... maybe not that bad.
Vent over!
Sunday, June 24
Jun 24, 2007
Okay, it's not so dramatic as the title... anyhow...
Although for the most part, my life seems almost entirely defined by work, things have been interesting otherwise... at least for the brief moments that I do engage in the outside life.
I have found my career. The only downside is that the woman who has been training me somehow decided that I was hired for the sole purpose of taking over her responsibilities so that when she returns from maternity leave, she would be able to learn something new. I don't complain often, and I'm usually content, but I will not let someone walk all over me, without my objections! After much conversation, I learned that in some grand scheme of things, there is a reorganization abrewing, and part of this reorganization is cross training everyone in the section so that everyone is familiar with everyone else's work, for day to day security, in the off chance that everyone who happens to know one particular task is out, there will be others who can fill in. Currently there are at most 2 people who know any given position, and no more. So the director, who hired me, is trying to start me off in what we call the Non Market desk so that I can learn to use the systems, and to see hands-on what trading encompasses. Although my purpose at the organization has not been finalized, their intent for me has never been, at least when my team lead and the others discussed what they wanted me to be responsible for, to stay at the Non Market desk, not in the long run. So that's good news...!
In other news, for the first time last night, I think I may have been very blatantly hit on by an older man.
Sunday afternoon, Henry calls unexpectedly to ask what my plans were for the night, and later discloses that he had free tickets to this invite-only party at Club Fanatics in SF. After some more discussions, Lauren and Cynthia joined the bandwagon, and at 10:00PM we were getting ready, and for the first time, I was actually consciously applying make-up as though I wanted to go home with someone other than the people I arrived with. To our utter disappointment, the club event was an entirely invite-only, closed party, that was half empty for a club that size. We mulled around for a bit, until Henry finally relented and let us leave the place.
We ended up at Bubble Lounge on Montgomery, where Henry and I had firsted decided to go many months ago, only to find it deserted, and unlit. Our recollections of the place were a little biased, until we got there, and the place was slammin'! Okay, the place was crowded, and well, not super fun, but still crowded enough to say that the place was not boring.
We walked from the entrance to the dance floor, crawled through the stench of too many human bodies in one living space, and found the bathroom and eventually walked back up the stairs to the front entrance area. Eventually we decided it was too late to go anywhere else, so we'd stay, find some seats and hang out, catch up, etc, except there were no seats available. WE paced from the front to the back, and retraced our steps to this one man sitting alone, only none of us were bold enough to ask to sit with him, because we weren't "drunk enough". So my friend and I were laughing about it, and eventually I let my eyes wander and lock gaze with this older Asian male sitting right behind my friend, with no intention to... his gaze was seductive, and one of longing, but well, far too old for my taste, and it scared me a little. I joked about the possibility and likelihood that the guys at the table would somehow offer us to sit with them, and we laughed about that. And sure enough, about 5 minutes later, one of the guys move over, and asked us to sit with them, commenting on the fact that they would not bite.
My friend jumped at the chance, and sat down. I was hesitant, because it was too predictable, and well too inviting for my taste, but eventually sat down beside her and my guy friend. All the while exchanging texts with my guy friend that I was suppose to meet up in the city. That didn't happen of course, but still it was attempt during the entire time we were at the lounge. The lone white guy of the group chatted up my friends, eventually asking my guy friend how he's lucky enough to hang with such "beautiful women", then asked if he was filipino. At the word "filipino" I wondered what the guy thought I was, so I asked. That was the flood gates opening...
the conversation literally went to his perception of my looks, and it was a rather uncomfortable position to be in, considering I didn't even formally meet him like the others. The guy made some really bold, and forward comments to me, and asked for confirmation from my guy friend, my guy friend however put it more lightly, so it was okay... he referenced my white shorts, and having noticed me early on when we had walked by... and well, kept refering to them. He even mentioned having noticing them to my good friend/ex roommate before he commented on it when we were engaged in conversation.
If that's not weird, I don't know what is. It wasn't even a comment about me, it was "I noticed you walking by earlier in your white shorts...", why thank you, I like my white shorts, too!
HAHA
Although for the most part, my life seems almost entirely defined by work, things have been interesting otherwise... at least for the brief moments that I do engage in the outside life.
I have found my career. The only downside is that the woman who has been training me somehow decided that I was hired for the sole purpose of taking over her responsibilities so that when she returns from maternity leave, she would be able to learn something new. I don't complain often, and I'm usually content, but I will not let someone walk all over me, without my objections! After much conversation, I learned that in some grand scheme of things, there is a reorganization abrewing, and part of this reorganization is cross training everyone in the section so that everyone is familiar with everyone else's work, for day to day security, in the off chance that everyone who happens to know one particular task is out, there will be others who can fill in. Currently there are at most 2 people who know any given position, and no more. So the director, who hired me, is trying to start me off in what we call the Non Market desk so that I can learn to use the systems, and to see hands-on what trading encompasses. Although my purpose at the organization has not been finalized, their intent for me has never been, at least when my team lead and the others discussed what they wanted me to be responsible for, to stay at the Non Market desk, not in the long run. So that's good news...!
In other news, for the first time last night, I think I may have been very blatantly hit on by an older man.
Sunday afternoon, Henry calls unexpectedly to ask what my plans were for the night, and later discloses that he had free tickets to this invite-only party at Club Fanatics in SF. After some more discussions, Lauren and Cynthia joined the bandwagon, and at 10:00PM we were getting ready, and for the first time, I was actually consciously applying make-up as though I wanted to go home with someone other than the people I arrived with. To our utter disappointment, the club event was an entirely invite-only, closed party, that was half empty for a club that size. We mulled around for a bit, until Henry finally relented and let us leave the place.
We ended up at Bubble Lounge on Montgomery, where Henry and I had firsted decided to go many months ago, only to find it deserted, and unlit. Our recollections of the place were a little biased, until we got there, and the place was slammin'! Okay, the place was crowded, and well, not super fun, but still crowded enough to say that the place was not boring.
We walked from the entrance to the dance floor, crawled through the stench of too many human bodies in one living space, and found the bathroom and eventually walked back up the stairs to the front entrance area. Eventually we decided it was too late to go anywhere else, so we'd stay, find some seats and hang out, catch up, etc, except there were no seats available. WE paced from the front to the back, and retraced our steps to this one man sitting alone, only none of us were bold enough to ask to sit with him, because we weren't "drunk enough". So my friend and I were laughing about it, and eventually I let my eyes wander and lock gaze with this older Asian male sitting right behind my friend, with no intention to... his gaze was seductive, and one of longing, but well, far too old for my taste, and it scared me a little. I joked about the possibility and likelihood that the guys at the table would somehow offer us to sit with them, and we laughed about that. And sure enough, about 5 minutes later, one of the guys move over, and asked us to sit with them, commenting on the fact that they would not bite.
My friend jumped at the chance, and sat down. I was hesitant, because it was too predictable, and well too inviting for my taste, but eventually sat down beside her and my guy friend. All the while exchanging texts with my guy friend that I was suppose to meet up in the city. That didn't happen of course, but still it was attempt during the entire time we were at the lounge. The lone white guy of the group chatted up my friends, eventually asking my guy friend how he's lucky enough to hang with such "beautiful women", then asked if he was filipino. At the word "filipino" I wondered what the guy thought I was, so I asked. That was the flood gates opening...
the conversation literally went to his perception of my looks, and it was a rather uncomfortable position to be in, considering I didn't even formally meet him like the others. The guy made some really bold, and forward comments to me, and asked for confirmation from my guy friend, my guy friend however put it more lightly, so it was okay... he referenced my white shorts, and having noticed me early on when we had walked by... and well, kept refering to them. He even mentioned having noticing them to my good friend/ex roommate before he commented on it when we were engaged in conversation.
If that's not weird, I don't know what is. It wasn't even a comment about me, it was "I noticed you walking by earlier in your white shorts...", why thank you, I like my white shorts, too!
HAHA
Wednesday, June 13
Jun 13, 2007
Isn't this funny?
negligence
How often have you heard, "trust me, I'm a doctor."? Or things referring to how much better informed, or educated medical staff, doctors, surgeons, etc. are?
I only wish people would be less ignorant...
negligence
How often have you heard, "trust me, I'm a doctor."? Or things referring to how much better informed, or educated medical staff, doctors, surgeons, etc. are?
I only wish people would be less ignorant...
Jun 13, 2007
Yesterday morning, after the usual morning trading routine, I have literally no work from 9AM to around 11AM. In the past week I have cleaned up my notes from the activity, but seeing that I'm going into the end of my second week, most of my notes are more than elaborate. So I went in to speak with my director, and told him, for the second time, that I had free hours between these hours. He racked his brains for something to preoccupy me.
He came up with the monthly error report that they have had issues with at the beginning of each month. The finances department sends a detailed report of all the profits and gains from the previous month, and asks each department to justify the numbers. My director had decided to find out from where all the numbers came, and had not had the time to do the grunt of the work. He asked me to see if one column added up to the number found in the summary, at the end.
He was mainly concerned with the losses to the company, and after some hundreds of monetary transactions, the numbers matched. Good, we were done. Wrong. The conclusion only solved one of the problems, the larger problem were a couple of "unrealized profit and losses". The numbers seemed entirely random, and were not easily detectable on the detailed report. My instructions were simply "play around with these numbers and see if you can get this number".
The report, for all fund companies' transactions in a month, included columns: buy/sell, quantity (units), price, average price, position, and profit/loss, with rows: opening balance, the dates of transactions, and closing balance. At the end of each fund, was the market price, unrealized p&l, and the realized p&l.
He came up with the monthly error report that they have had issues with at the beginning of each month. The finances department sends a detailed report of all the profits and gains from the previous month, and asks each department to justify the numbers. My director had decided to find out from where all the numbers came, and had not had the time to do the grunt of the work. He asked me to see if one column added up to the number found in the summary, at the end.
He was mainly concerned with the losses to the company, and after some hundreds of monetary transactions, the numbers matched. Good, we were done. Wrong. The conclusion only solved one of the problems, the larger problem were a couple of "unrealized profit and losses". The numbers seemed entirely random, and were not easily detectable on the detailed report. My instructions were simply "play around with these numbers and see if you can get this number".
The report, for all fund companies' transactions in a month, included columns: buy/sell, quantity (units), price, average price, position, and profit/loss, with rows: opening balance, the dates of transactions, and closing balance. At the end of each fund, was the market price, unrealized p&l, and the realized p&l.
The realized P&L was easy to calculate, they were simply the difference between the day's transactions at the previous price before correction multiplied by the day's quantity, and the day's transactions at the corrected price multiplied by the new day's quantity.
The uneralized P&L just didn't make sense. Especially when I looked at the numbers, unrealized didn't jump out at me, as realized had. I played around with some numbers, and came to the sad conclusion that my director had played me a fool... had decided to give me an unsolvable problem (that potentially no one before me, outside of the finances department, or the creator of the macro).
It was at this point that I decided that there had to be a way to calculate the numbers. I had three funds with the same problem, most of the other transactions were not flagged. By simply going over the ones with problems, I couldn't see what was wrong, so I glanced over the hundreds of pages of other transactions, and noted the difference between the two sets. The most notable part was that the ones without issues had the same beginning and end balance, usually equivalent to zero, while the ones with issues arose from having different balances. At this point, it became clear to me that the thing to consider had to seem out of balance compared to all the others, so I started to single out transaction days with no apparent matching opposite. I manipulated the numbers that looked like they could potentially equal the unrealized.
Still the problem didn't get easier to solve. It was only after noticing that the positions also looked to play a role, did the solution became apparent. An unrealized profit and loss had to come from something that isn't quite apparent, first I thought, well the units are different in the "position" so maybe it's the difference between the two multiplied by the price. That didn't work. Maybe it's the difference multiplied by the average price, still nothing. Or it could be the difference between the open balance and the closing balance multiplied by the price/average price. Nope, not it. After some more of this sort of logic, it came to me!
The market price value had remained untouched in the entirety of the previous calculations, surely they had some impact on the unrealized... for what reason? Not sure. Anyhow it turns out, the market price minus the corrected market price multiplied by the difference between quantity and the current position equals to the unrealized p&l to the penny! SOLVED! Not quite.
When I worked out the other errors in the report, my director came up with another issue... the market price. What impact did it play in the overall picture? Where was the finances department getting this number?
So he called up someone in finances, and walked them through the issue, and the result? Nothing extraordinary. What we concluded after the hour and a half meeting was that the report is pulling phantom units from somewhere in the past, and those numbers roll into each month's report, creating the same problem at the end of each month. Transactions on the last couple of days of the month also roll over into the next month, and do not post onto the current month's report, and then, of course, there's the problem of the market price. We still do not know why the number is being used, when the values in the price column are the prices that the client and the broker use.
It was decided that the report should be scraped, but still finances will need a justification, and an explanation for all the losses and profits. What they need to do is find out where the market price is coming from, what the unrealized p&l signifies, and who owns the report/macro that sends out the report each month.
Easy enough, for now.
The uneralized P&L just didn't make sense. Especially when I looked at the numbers, unrealized didn't jump out at me, as realized had. I played around with some numbers, and came to the sad conclusion that my director had played me a fool... had decided to give me an unsolvable problem (that potentially no one before me, outside of the finances department, or the creator of the macro).
It was at this point that I decided that there had to be a way to calculate the numbers. I had three funds with the same problem, most of the other transactions were not flagged. By simply going over the ones with problems, I couldn't see what was wrong, so I glanced over the hundreds of pages of other transactions, and noted the difference between the two sets. The most notable part was that the ones without issues had the same beginning and end balance, usually equivalent to zero, while the ones with issues arose from having different balances. At this point, it became clear to me that the thing to consider had to seem out of balance compared to all the others, so I started to single out transaction days with no apparent matching opposite. I manipulated the numbers that looked like they could potentially equal the unrealized.
Still the problem didn't get easier to solve. It was only after noticing that the positions also looked to play a role, did the solution became apparent. An unrealized profit and loss had to come from something that isn't quite apparent, first I thought, well the units are different in the "position" so maybe it's the difference between the two multiplied by the price. That didn't work. Maybe it's the difference multiplied by the average price, still nothing. Or it could be the difference between the open balance and the closing balance multiplied by the price/average price. Nope, not it. After some more of this sort of logic, it came to me!
The market price value had remained untouched in the entirety of the previous calculations, surely they had some impact on the unrealized... for what reason? Not sure. Anyhow it turns out, the market price minus the corrected market price multiplied by the difference between quantity and the current position equals to the unrealized p&l to the penny! SOLVED! Not quite.
When I worked out the other errors in the report, my director came up with another issue... the market price. What impact did it play in the overall picture? Where was the finances department getting this number?
So he called up someone in finances, and walked them through the issue, and the result? Nothing extraordinary. What we concluded after the hour and a half meeting was that the report is pulling phantom units from somewhere in the past, and those numbers roll into each month's report, creating the same problem at the end of each month. Transactions on the last couple of days of the month also roll over into the next month, and do not post onto the current month's report, and then, of course, there's the problem of the market price. We still do not know why the number is being used, when the values in the price column are the prices that the client and the broker use.
It was decided that the report should be scraped, but still finances will need a justification, and an explanation for all the losses and profits. What they need to do is find out where the market price is coming from, what the unrealized p&l signifies, and who owns the report/macro that sends out the report each month.
Easy enough, for now.
Tuesday, June 12
Jun 12, 2007
It's now my second week at work, well really, as of tomorrow morning, I'll have completed 2 weeks here at Charlie Schwab. I've been training mostly with one person, occasionally shadowing some of the non-nonmarket people, and weekly cash settlements. I've gone through the process some 3-4 turns alone, and it seems as though hands-on is a better learning tool than the text book, watch as I perform the tasks. And although there is a lot to learn, everything that I've performed up to this point has been relatively routine, at specific times, and most work can be expected to be completed within an hour of two of the start time.
By around 3PM each afternoon, I sit around with literally nothing to do, and I feel guilty for sitting around surfing the internet for personal reasons and not for work, yet there is nothing I can do to change that. So I went to speak with my director after the morning trade, afternoon, etc, and he gave me a mathematical issue to work with, one that seemed to really have no end. Like most jobs, instruction is rare... but this was along the lines of "We work with this report every month, and we get this unrealized number, and we don't know how we get it. Here... play aruond with these numbers, and see if you can get this number." For the first five minutes, I worked ratherly blindly with the numbers, and didn't get anywhere. I thought for a brief second that my supervisor really was out of work, and needed something... anything to keep me busy, so he gave me basically an impossible task, and asked me to figure it out, when there is no tangible
By around 3PM each afternoon, I sit around with literally nothing to do, and I feel guilty for sitting around surfing the internet for personal reasons and not for work, yet there is nothing I can do to change that. So I went to speak with my director after the morning trade, afternoon, etc, and he gave me a mathematical issue to work with, one that seemed to really have no end. Like most jobs, instruction is rare... but this was along the lines of "We work with this report every month, and we get this unrealized number, and we don't know how we get it. Here... play aruond with these numbers, and see if you can get this number." For the first five minutes, I worked ratherly blindly with the numbers, and didn't get anywhere. I thought for a brief second that my supervisor really was out of work, and needed something... anything to keep me busy, so he gave me basically an impossible task, and asked me to figure it out, when there is no tangible
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